Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the...

By LolaBell - 24/4/2015 14:12 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML

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Love

Goodbye Bill

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Yappy neighborhood

By ClairvoyantVamp - 6/7/2016 23:09 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

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By misty_love - 10/3/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

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By Steephx0 - 22/3/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

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By thankzbabe - 4/1/2012 12:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2016 03:15

Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML

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By :( - 17/11/2013 20:27 - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

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By pikachu - 20/1/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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By Sucker - 12/10/2009 19:31 - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:30 - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By ostfae - 21/8/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

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By LostSoul - 1/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By walmart: first time, last time - 12/5/2013 16:37 - United States

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

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By whatproject - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By seablue - 11/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

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By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By jobless - 10/11/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By bellsucker - 4/8/2012 22:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

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By funfettifirework - 18/8/2016 05:08 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

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By whywasitthere - 19/4/2017 09:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By staciefacecat - 14/6/2016 01:03

Today, my drunk boyfriend flipped out and told me I was a total control freak, and that he couldn't handle how weird and clingy I am. All I did was ask if his phone was charged. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By ohsnap - 22/1/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By FMyEx - 6/12/2012 11:50 - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By wish his dad had worn one - 7/6/2014 21:16 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

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By sassy_girl144 - 29/5/2015 10:58 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

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By StillHurt - 19/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 21:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML

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By Dave - 4/10/2012 14:44 - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 12:24 - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By Austin - 17/6/2016 05:57 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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By twitterfailsme - 4/11/2013 12:08 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

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By Anthony Hathaway - 19/10/2018 13:30

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

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By mark807 - 28/4/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

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Top comments

By m1e0l | 12

#6272154 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:58

it takes one to know one

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6272155 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

What a douche. Hope you dump him.

COMMENTS

By m1e0l | 12

#6272154 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:58

it takes one to know one

TheBelt | 19

#6272338 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:17

I hope you mean ex-husband.

brandoneyez1 | 25

#6272418 - Saturday 25 April 2015 4:37

They say the paranoid are the ones doing the cheating.

KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6494911 - Sunday 27 December 2016 23:47

I mean if he can cheat on her and not get caught obviously she can do the same

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6272155 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

What a douche. Hope you dump him.

Dillyduzit | 23

#6272236 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:51

I smell a very justified divorce.
At least hopefully OP can sleep at night knowing his affair also brought him a lot of well-deserved anxiety.

howard007 | 18

#6272354 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:37

Dump her husband...? I dont think it works like that

By Broadway_Vayne | 32

#6272160 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

Wow I'm sorry about that OP. I think he might have been looking for a way to breakup with you if he found anything suspicious. FYL, time to move on from that unfaithful scumbag.