Intimacy: Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit... - FML

By rmL

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

A slight hiccup

Some friend

By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By scaredofhedges - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypool

Today, my grandmother yet again asked where my grandfather is. She refuses to believe us when we tell her that he passed away 6 years ago. She always insists that he's out cheating on her and accuses us of lying to cover his arse. FML

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By OyGeeze28 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By dirtytoes - United States - Houston

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

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By Tagged - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By GreatParenting - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By juli - Taiwan

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

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By whyme - 16/5/2021 20:01

Economic abuse

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

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By bastard - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

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By Susan - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By NotMacklemore - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By DamnThatsHarsh - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - United States - Fort Worth

The L Word

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By jonchavez - United States - Trenton

Today, a girl asked me out on a date to some hot springs, about 2 hours away. After a mile hike, the springs were finally in sight. She then slipped and cut her shin open. I had carry her the mile back and drive her the 2 hours to the ER, where her parents, whom I'd never met, were waiting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. When I got there, the lady interviewing me shook my hand and said, 'Hello, I'm gay.' I found this strange and I didn't know what to say, so I stated, 'Aw, it's OK, I support you.' She looked pretty offended, and I realized why when I found out that her name was Gaye. FML

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By Catremorse - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

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By julian1 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

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By Where is the faith in Humanity - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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By Discouraged - United States - Rockville

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

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By Chubs - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By Mike - 24/5/2021 13:59

Strange domestic arrangement

Today, because I wanted to let my cat have his breakfast before I used the bathroom, which is also his dining room, I learned that when your day starts with shitting your pants, things can only get better from there. FML

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By faulty number - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

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By daughter - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By newbornphotog - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

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By BlackPolarbear - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

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By LadyDeadpool88 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By Foolish - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By crazygirl12 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By carrie - 9/5/2021 14:00

Justify My Love

Today, my husband thinks I don’t love him. Why? Because I won’t poop with him in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

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By anonymous - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

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By Foreverathome - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

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Top comments

By ubbiejames | 0

#113844 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 21:00

#5, the only person he knew that was coming was himself.

By pommeblossom | 0

#39293 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 3:34

Why would you do that if people were coming?

COMMENTS

By csigabajnok | 0

#289 - Thursday 5 February 2009 15:26

Where? In the garage?

Reply

carolinebeast | 0

#921767 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:01

don't real estate agents tell you beforehand whenever they have people come over to your house? and you're supposed to LEAVE like at least half an hour before they come.

Reply

daniiica | 0

#984868 - Monday 26 April 2010 0:43

lol

Reply

JosephHiguera | 0

#1005053 - Monday 24 May 2010 7:22

Ha that's hilarious
in other news.
today, while selling a house to some potential buyers. I opened the Door, only to find the owner wanking in there. something tells me I'm not selling this house.FML

Reply

kurrri | 0

#1021962 - Monday 7 June 2010 0:20

This has to be fake.. and if not then ydi. You probably knew that they would be coming so you shouldn't have been doing it then..

Reply

nuggetFAIL | 0

#1274362 - Friday 20 August 2010 7:27

DID IT FEEL GOOD?

Reply

mis801 | 0

#2407192 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 4:39

that must feel good

Reply

Mr_Saikaly | 35

#2928677 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 9:04

#1 if you could read, you would be able to know that he was in the bedroom

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436454 - Friday 5 April 2013 21:53

I thought they did.

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436473 - Friday 5 April 2013 22:05

Lol'd

Reply

wchil | 14

#6294268 - Monday 18 May 2015 12:36

116 wtf is lol'd? laugh out louded?

Reply

xdafuze | 12

#6577189 - Saturday 9 April 2016 19:19

133 it means laughed out loud

By pommeblossom | 0

#39293 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 3:34

Why would you do that if people were coming?

Reply

thewhitelover3 | 9

#3489156 - Tuesday 25 October 2011 19:42

Maybe he didn't know people were coming that day

Reply

MyNameIsViet | 15

#4862420 - Sunday 26 August 2012 15:06

Well we know at least one person is coming. And it's not the real estate agent...

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436468 - Friday 5 April 2013 22:01

Cause people are stupid sometimes.

Reply

BadLuckGuy1 | 9

#5507990 - Sunday 26 May 2013 22:03

Cumming*

Reply

Cyrus00 | 41

#6532028 - Monday 8 February 2016 20:16

Danger wank.

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#49382 - Sunday 22 March 2009 5:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

0RedPenguin0 | 8

#5086665 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:56

Wow. I have honestly never heard "cunt" as a verb before

Reply

umyeahh | 13

#5213111 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 8:31

"cunting" ?

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436474 - Friday 5 April 2013 22:06

Simmer down, sir. :x

Reply

thecman25 | 14

#6140010 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 1:25

your buthurt is showing

Reply

tylercarolinex | 21

#6311632 - Friday 5 June 2015 19:30

cunting fuckface is one of the funniest verbs i have heard to this day.

Reply

mds9986 | 24

#6439616 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 1:17

.

By someone_else | 0

#54828 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 8:08

If you gotta do it, then you gotta do it.

Reply

justinoCardenas | 2

#6045429 - Saturday 23 August 2014 0:45

you are right

By xMooMoox | 0

#72664 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:17

When I went to look at a house years ago the woman was asleep in her bedroom. Apparently she worked nights. She had no idea we were inside her house! But honestly if your awake you should have heard people walking and talking around your house, I'm sure he was describing things.

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436548 - Friday 5 April 2013 23:35

I would keep my door locked...

Reply

Cyrus00 | 41

#6532030 - Monday 8 February 2016 20:18

Maybe he had porn on really loud?

Reply

NNOTCHO | 23

#6583590 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 15:55

They usually have a key

By JokestrMike89 | 0

#108763 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 0:03

Dude, flick the lock. haha. Sorry, man!

By ubbiejames | 0

#113844 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 21:00

#5, the only person he knew that was coming was himself.

Reply

Zandra | 0

#451699 - Monday 3 August 2009 1:22

WIN

Reply

Bloodbathandbeyo | 0

#991147 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 5:24

LOL

Reply

scoutzoey | 3

#2691549 - Thursday 16 June 2011 3:25

funny shit

Reply

freddyisepic | 2

#2727310 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:58

i added this fml to mh favorites bc of that comment

Reply

HoleyColey | 9

#5307239 - Thursday 3 January 2013 17:48

bahahahaha

Reply

Helped | 35

#5436466 - Friday 5 April 2013 21:59

hahaha. Cool.

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5964504 - Tuesday 3 June 2014 22:55

Hahaha. This comment made my day.

By courtgirl263 | 0

#117770 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:57

haaaa,. that sux!

By xDarkDeathx | 0

#134814 - Thursday 23 April 2009 2:35

HAHAHAHAHAH LMFAO

By derailed | 0

#150223 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 7:59

That's the Guest room...Over here is the Master Bateroom : 0

Reply

Jandude | 9

#975130 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 13:09

WIN