Miscellaneous: Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth;... - FML

By brbkillingmyself - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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Messed up

Broken bum

The past that suits you best

By Anonymous

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By zzzzzz - 30/1/2021 07:59

Wakey wakey

Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML

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By teflon_hammer - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By somanybirds - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By moduschic - United States

Today, at work this woman came up to my counter and handed me gold top covered in gold sequins. I like to chat with the customers sometimes at work so I got all excited and said "Ooh! You shopping for Halloween?" She gave me the biggest death stare. Turns out she wasn't shopping for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 15:02 - South Africa

Fun-filled vacation together!

Today, I found out my boyfriend can't swim and we are about to go on a romantic holiday to Zanzibar where all our excursions include water-based activities. His solution is that I just go do them all by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By jayne_dhoe - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 02:02

Empathy hurts

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

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By ClairvoyantVamp - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

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By tanya - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

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By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By What an ass - 23/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Check this out!

Today, while using my phone camera as a mirror, I managed to broadcast a Facebook Live video of myself applying haemorrhoid cream to my asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Little git

Today, I gave my 7-year-old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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By Nathanael Johnson - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

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By SocietyToday

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 17:01

Damn squares!

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

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By ironic driver - United States

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By fmylyfe - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

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By ILoveAnimals - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By Judgeisalwaysright - United States - Chesterfield

Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML

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By Farva - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By mikay1413

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By Meetingman

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By haileyjunkin

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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Top comments

By DivineZero | 18

#6375995 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:50

I'm all for the holiday spirit, but damn, some people start in on this shit way too early

By whitevenom | 12

#6375998 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:53

I don't like x-mas and damn that's gotta be rough dealing with that. I feel for you.

COMMENTS

By DivineZero | 18

#6375995 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:50

I'm all for the holiday spirit, but damn, some people start in on this shit way too early

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6376051 - Sunday 9 August 2015 15:25

I have two small kids, so Christmas is a big deal for us as a family. I try to start planning out presents and decorations early enough to not get stressed out in the time before the holidays. That means I collect ideas in the first two weeks of November, buy everything in the last two weeks of November, first decorations go up on Dec. 1st, rest gets gradually added over the next three weeks.

August, though? Way, way too early!

Reply

okokalright | 15

#6376251 - Sunday 9 August 2015 20:32

Yeah like halloween and thanksgiving didn't even pass yet. Just a month ago halloween was trending on social media like wtf

Reply

annarcheer | 19

#6376499 - Monday 10 August 2015 1:03

My mum was listening to Christmas music the whole way home from our vacation. It was a 12 hour drive.

Reply

soullyfe | 33

#6376737 - Monday 10 August 2015 7:16

@49: Probably because there's that whole 'Halloween in July' or 'Trick-or-Treating in July'. I can't remember how or why it started though.

By whitevenom | 12

#6375998 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:53

I don't like x-mas and damn that's gotta be rough dealing with that. I feel for you.

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6376092 - Sunday 9 August 2015 16:41

You know if you add a few comas and replace a few words this could be a poem.

Reply

_minifty | 15

#6376193 - Sunday 9 August 2015 19:21

If you add a few commas to anything it becomes a poem

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6376501 - Monday 10 August 2015 1:03

You know I never believed it when people used "I just woke up" as an excuse for a stupid comment and know I believe them.

Reply

NotRussian | 16

#6376537 - Monday 10 August 2015 2:10

Did you know to believe or do you only believe them now?

By rshweky | 17

#6375999 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:54

Christmas spirit!

By WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6376000 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:54

Treating christmas like a presidential race, and starting way before anyone wants or cares about it.

By igg125 | 30

#6376002 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:55

Look at the bright side, she'll have 4 months to think of what to get you and not have to get you something last minute.

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6376134 - Sunday 9 August 2015 18:03

My coworker has all of her Christmas shopping done.

Reply

junpeiIori | 17

#6377076 - Monday 10 August 2015 19:10

Not gonna lie, but my Christmas shopping has been done since this past Tuesday. Not excluding myself, follow USA rugby; so I shop the lie what my foster brothers interests are and shop around that. The hat, jacket and my backpack. But really, most people are batshit angry insane 2 days after my 21st

By FamilyAngel | 4

#6376003 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:55

Probably, proper presents will do the trick ;)
But I'm not shure.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6376011 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:04

FYL as well as your neighbors.

By IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6376012 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:05

ITS HALLOWEEN

By Cads1 | 24

#6376015 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:07

Shit, feel your pain mate.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6376018 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:12

'Tis NOT the season to be jolly. If she start so early it'll all fizzle out by October.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6376540 - Monday 10 August 2015 2:21

Why not be jolly year round?