Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth;... - FML

By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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Rock, hard place

Alternative medicine is bull

Lockdown is driving us down

By justjoking - 17/12/2014 01:54 - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

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By I should have kept my mouth shut - 23/1/2013 01:35 - United States - Davis

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

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By Gbeat411 - 25/6/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By Ohwhy - 27/10/2012 11:53 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

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By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By KillMePlease - 11/3/2015 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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By TheDarth - 16/7/2015 22:47 - United States - Bedford

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

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By SadlySally - 1/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Memphis

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

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By PWI_addict - 3/1/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

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By Anthony - 14/4/2016 23:15 - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 18:00

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

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By IGiveUp - 7/10/2018 13:30

Today, at work, I took a call from an angry customer. After listening to his problem and fully explaining how we could fix it, he called me a stupid girl and said I need more training as I obviously know nothing about my job. I'm the company training coordinator. FML

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By lilmamma - 5/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

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By pmony - 2/2/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By Eric Jurgensen - 10/6/2020 17:03

Used

Today, I found out my now ex-girlfriend had only moved in to spite her mother, not because she loved me. Five months of falling in love, just to find out I was just being used to get back at her mom. FML

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By vitalcheese - 20/5/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner... Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

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By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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By yolo is for shitheads - 9/10/2012 16:07 - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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By - 22/3/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By arianelagolden - 4/8/2016 07:27

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By mislabelled mother - 24/3/2018 01:30

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By laywer_man - 7/3/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By Mick - 6/6/2011 14:18

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

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By hungry - 1/1/2015 05:50 - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

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By Squeak - 6/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Bragg

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

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By always-the-responsible-one - 3/1/2010 08:42 - Canada

Today, I just spent half an hour cleaning up my little brother's puke after he got drunk for the first time. All the people who bought him drinks are still out partying and having a good time, while all I can smell is whiskey, Chinese food, and whatever else was in his stomach. FML

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By karmaaa - 16/10/2014 20:56 - United States - Huxley

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

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By Gemini gang - 27/7/2019 04:04

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2016 12:24 - United States - Huron

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 15:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

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By dxplq876 - 17/3/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

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By thanxguys - 17/3/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By tryingnottocare - 6/8/2009 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 15:13 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

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By Sarah - 9/4/2015 20:24 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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Top comments

By DivineZero | 18

#6375995 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:50

I'm all for the holiday spirit, but damn, some people start in on this shit way too early

By whitevenom | 12

#6375998 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:53

I don't like x-mas and damn that's gotta be rough dealing with that. I feel for you.

COMMENTS

By DivineZero | 18

#6375995 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:50

I'm all for the holiday spirit, but damn, some people start in on this shit way too early

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6376051 - Sunday 9 August 2015 15:25

I have two small kids, so Christmas is a big deal for us as a family. I try to start planning out presents and decorations early enough to not get stressed out in the time before the holidays. That means I collect ideas in the first two weeks of November, buy everything in the last two weeks of November, first decorations go up on Dec. 1st, rest gets gradually added over the next three weeks.

August, though? Way, way too early!

Reply

okokalright | 15

#6376251 - Sunday 9 August 2015 20:32

Yeah like halloween and thanksgiving didn't even pass yet. Just a month ago halloween was trending on social media like wtf

Reply

annarcheer | 19

#6376499 - Monday 10 August 2015 1:03

My mum was listening to Christmas music the whole way home from our vacation. It was a 12 hour drive.

Reply

soullyfe | 33

#6376737 - Monday 10 August 2015 7:16

@49: Probably because there's that whole 'Halloween in July' or 'Trick-or-Treating in July'. I can't remember how or why it started though.

By whitevenom | 12

#6375998 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:53

I don't like x-mas and damn that's gotta be rough dealing with that. I feel for you.

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6376092 - Sunday 9 August 2015 16:41

You know if you add a few comas and replace a few words this could be a poem.

Reply

_minifty | 15

#6376193 - Sunday 9 August 2015 19:21

If you add a few commas to anything it becomes a poem

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6376501 - Monday 10 August 2015 1:03

You know I never believed it when people used "I just woke up" as an excuse for a stupid comment and know I believe them.

Reply

NotRussian | 16

#6376537 - Monday 10 August 2015 2:10

Did you know to believe or do you only believe them now?

By rshweky | 17

#6375999 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:54

Christmas spirit!

By WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6376000 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:54

Treating christmas like a presidential race, and starting way before anyone wants or cares about it.

By igg125 | 30

#6376002 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:55

Look at the bright side, she'll have 4 months to think of what to get you and not have to get you something last minute.

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6376134 - Sunday 9 August 2015 18:03

My coworker has all of her Christmas shopping done.

Reply

junpeiIori | 17

#6377076 - Monday 10 August 2015 19:10

Not gonna lie, but my Christmas shopping has been done since this past Tuesday. Not excluding myself, follow USA rugby; so I shop the lie what my foster brothers interests are and shop around that. The hat, jacket and my backpack. But really, most people are batshit angry insane 2 days after my 21st

By FamilyAngel | 4

#6376003 - Sunday 9 August 2015 13:55

Probably, proper presents will do the trick ;)
But I'm not shure.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6376011 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:04

FYL as well as your neighbors.

By IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6376012 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:05

ITS HALLOWEEN

By Cads1 | 24

#6376015 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:07

Shit, feel your pain mate.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6376018 - Sunday 9 August 2015 14:12

'Tis NOT the season to be jolly. If she start so early it'll all fizzle out by October.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6376540 - Monday 10 August 2015 2:21

Why not be jolly year round?