Intimacy: Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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Vulture

Great guy

Optimism

By a2 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

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By lilben - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By 23yearoldtoddler - United States

Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By 1415926 - United States

Today, I got a large envelope from a college I applied to earlier. My mom, expecting big news, made my family gather round as I opened it. It ended up being a letter of rejection from not just that school, but all 3 campuses of the state college. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 13:59

So young, so jaded

Today, like every day, I scrolled through my social media feeds, seeing happy couples, people buying houses and landing their dream jobs. I, on the other hand, am a single 23 year-old man in a dead end job that still lives with his parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By Sady_Ct

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By DonPedro - United States

Today, I took a crap at work. When I go to flush the toilet, it clogs and begins to overflow. I leave the bathroom the way it is and as I walk out, my boss comes in. FML

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By pokie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By HiddlePuff - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By guttedgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

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By S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By jm_track - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By stupiddog - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 00:30 - Germany - Wolfsburg

Hello Alanis ? We've got something for you.

Today, two people at work - both higher up than me - called me out for "stomping" when I walk up stairs. I have a disability that causes this. We work at a place specifically for disabled people. FML

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By ss - Australia

Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

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By peanutface - Canada

Today, not only did I miss my bus by seconds, I also saw the bus driver smirking as he drove past me in the middle of the Canadian winter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By GlassJAwkidE - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

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By sharon - United States

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

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By BeastieHouse

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

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By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

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By shotdown - United States - San Francisco

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

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By Boobs McGee

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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Top comments

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

COMMENTS

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5817453 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

She wants the D

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5817500 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:09

And a cockblock too.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5817519 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:48

A period ain't never stopped nothing but a sentence.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5817749 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:38

#38, that's a good one!

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5817765 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

Best. FML. Ever. (in a 'FYL' kinda way)

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820805 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:25

lmao...#38 I love your comment

By 712sash | 26

#5817439 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Does matter, didn't have birthday sex.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5817524 - Sunday 5 January 2014 12:09

if she's that sad over not getting birthday sex you must be doing something right.

Reply

kjack49044 | 18

#5817676 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:44

Yes, she's got her priorities straight.

Reply

Rulerray97 | 25

#5817922 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:04

A period never stopped anything but a sentence.

Reply

Jabberwockyy | 13

#5817957 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:42

#109 that was already said just a couple of comments ago, try to be more original.

Reply

twelve_oh_seven | 11

#5817993 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:23

haha Ikr

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5819777 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 15:40

If I were Op, I'd be the one crying

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820808 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:27

#109 you are several comments too late dear.....

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5824156 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:26

Or just use the back door if they're into that...

By umchayul | 4

#5817440 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

You can still have sex. I'm sure she'll give the best devil's wings

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5817469 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:24

Be happy OP! Your girlfriend genuinely loves sex!! :-)

Reply

Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5817560 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:20

#42 people who don't like having sex, obviously.

Reply

hansam | 12

#5817591 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:53

When the river runs red, take the dirt road

Reply

little_one1 | 14

#5817634 - Sunday 5 January 2014 14:48

Oh HELL no, 54!

I'mjustkiddingmyboyfriendandiareexperienceddirtroadtravelers.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5817655 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:21

#61 i should punch you after reading your comment

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5817704 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:30

#61, your comment made my head hurt.

Reply

vipirius | 18

#5818001 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:30

Damn it, now I really wanna know what 61 said.

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5818072 - Sunday 5 January 2014 23:16

Don't worry #121, you're better off not knowing.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818563 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:04

What did #61 say

Reply

SThompson90 | 7

#5819080 - Monday 6 January 2014 21:04

#150, the same thing the fox said

Reply

manga_fml | 15

#5826059 - Monday 13 January 2014 14:09

devil's wings?

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

Reply

StzaCrack666 | 18

#5817447 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

imo its kinda cute

Reply

boating_guy | 33

#5817766 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

if they really want it, just ride the crimson ride.
alternatively, if the river runs red, take the dirt road home.

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5818382 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:37

If you don't wanna become a mum take it up the bum?

Reply

jgw_it2 | 12

#5822944 - Friday 10 January 2014 9:07

#136 ew.

By loganHchrist | 9

#5817443 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:04

Doesn't matter will get laid

Reply

loganHchrist | 9

#5817446 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

** eventually

Reply

davidislost | 11

#5817756 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:49

That would have been more humorous if you used a pop cultural reference like 'doesn't matter, had sex'

Reply

Apeirophobe | 13

#5818356 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:21

In my opinion such clichés don't add to the comic value.

By Rxted | 8

#5817445 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:05

Nothing's wrong with birthday blowjobs.

Reply

fk18 | 27

#5817465 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:20

Why would she give him a bj for HER birthday?

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817479 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:36

"Happy birthday babe! It's okay, you can still give me a blowjob!"

Whoopdeedoo.

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5817486 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:44

I mean, some girls enjoy it, too, so it really isn't something selfish for OP if she wants to do it.

Reply

happyfingers | 15

#5817496 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:58

By the sounds of it, she probably doesnt.

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5817769 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:11

#26 considering it's her birthday not OP'S yes it is not to mention since she just started her period her emotions are probably a bit high right now so if he brought it up to her it would make her even more upset.

Reply

JanisEvans | 10

#5818685 - Monday 6 January 2014 11:38

No.

Reply

anabanana6994 | 4

#5841119 - Monday 27 January 2014 20:40

Some people enjoy giving head

By LadyDelphinea | 4

#5817449 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:07

Dude that sucks...

By deepvira | 16

#5817454 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

Tell her that you are gonna get sex,just not from her! It's your birthday after all!

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5817460 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:16

Are you like dumb or something? Read the FML!

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817481 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:37

12, either you're a high-strung jerk, or you're illiterate. Can't decide.

Reply

lb0812 | 18

#5817685 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:02

Why not both?? :D

Reply

fullalove | 23

#5817707 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:47

1.it clearly says he takes his girlfriend out for HER birthday.
2. even if it was his birthday, what the hell kind of advice is it to tell him to cheat?

Reply

emirie | 21

#5817713 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:57

12, your comment was so bad i tried to thumb you down more than once. All girls should avoid you.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5818418 - Monday 6 January 2014 5:00

Not even just all girls. All people should avoid you. Grow up.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818564 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:05

It was HER birthday

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820818 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:37

He is BOTH #36

By thelittleghost | 3

#5817458 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:13

At least she enjoys sex with you and just wait you can have belated birthday sex ;3

By BFons | 19

#5817471 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:26

So why can't you have sex? Might be a little messy, but hell do it in the shower.

Reply

happle | 21

#5817804 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:18

I don't know about other girls, but paired with bloating and cramps, I don't want a penis anywhere near me when I'm on my period.

Reply

kaytasha | 17

#5817829 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:27

Yep that definitely works, especially when feeling are involved, it is a deep intimate moment though not for persons with a blood phobia

Reply

Korra_fml | 23

#5817883 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:46

actually, sex can help to alleviate cramping.

Reply

Squeaky_Tomato | 14

#5817982 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:13

I actually get more horny on my period.

I vote for the shower or put a towel you don't care about between her and the bed :)

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5817996 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:29

My girlfriend's period goes much better if we have sex during that time. OP, do what needs to be done and end her birthday on a high note.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#5818819 - Monday 6 January 2014 14:55

116 -- Whenever I've had sex with a girl on her period, I've always laid out a convenient red towel. Banging while on her period isn't preferable to me, but I'd rather please her. Not really too worried about myself, as long as she's satisfied.

Reply

ImYourPapi | 6

#5833386 - Monday 20 January 2014 19:05

Yup