Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 01:08 - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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Rock, hard place

Bustin' my ass

Spooky

By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By Mr. King - 16/3/2016 08:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

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By Concussed - 17/1/2010 06:22 - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

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By a - 12/2/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

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By Courtney - 26/5/2016 12:12 - United States

Today, at my job as a teacher, I saw a student cut another student's hair, I stopped a group of students from eating glue, and I had to tell a student to put away the toy cars he was playing with. I teach high school math. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 12:05 - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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By Noname - 5/3/2009 06:01 - Canada

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

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By ummmmEW - 13/2/2010 00:04 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

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By Bailey - 5/4/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

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By sadness1992 - 6/11/2012 18:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By mishie1 - 21/2/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 16:47 - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

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By moshgra - 29/11/2010 00:41

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

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By Nigel - 13/7/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By spoony - 19/1/2009 05:32 - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

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By lonelygirl - 14/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a romantic weekend away at a hotel. What is he doing now? On his computer looking up stuff on Craigslist while I am watching t.v. alone. FML

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By facepalm - 5/2/2013 03:30 - United States - Sayreville

Today, working as a nurse, I saw a patient in for follow-up after a partial leg amputation. I checked her blood pressure and gave her the reading, which prompted her husband to ask what it meant. She replied, "I'm alive." Before I could stop myself, "And kicking" spilled out of my mouth. FML

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By Jordan - 10/8/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

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By Shan.nel - 20/11/2017 19:30 - United States - Greer

Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2016 10:38 - United States - Nashville

Today, I've been single for so long, I got butterflies when I went on a date. A date with a character in Grand Theft Auto. FML

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By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 15:12

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

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By Poorlittlelady - 8/10/2018 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML

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By womboman - 30/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 18:30

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By gonesofast - 9/10/2014 17:53 - United States - Quincy

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 07:27 - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

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By Renagirl - 9/9/2013 12:46 - United States - East Hartford

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By feistychick - 25/4/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

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By atomwolf - 9/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

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By happyturtle - 10/10/2013 11:27 - Croatia

Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By 0stvn0 - 16/3/2012 01:18 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STD test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said: "Gonna be honest, Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 12:00

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

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By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - 13/5/2016 20:00 - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By martyn28 - 13/8/2013 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

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By ThunderThighs - 23/7/2014 23:24 - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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Top comments

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

COMMENTS

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5817453 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

She wants the D

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5817500 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:09

And a cockblock too.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5817519 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:48

A period ain't never stopped nothing but a sentence.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5817749 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:38

#38, that's a good one!

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5817765 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

Best. FML. Ever. (in a 'FYL' kinda way)

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820805 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:25

lmao...#38 I love your comment

By 712sash | 25

#5817439 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Does matter, didn't have birthday sex.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5817524 - Sunday 5 January 2014 12:09

if she's that sad over not getting birthday sex you must be doing something right.

Reply

kjack49044 | 18

#5817676 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:44

Yes, she's got her priorities straight.

Reply

Rulerray97 | 25

#5817922 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:04

A period never stopped anything but a sentence.

Reply

Jabberwockyy | 13

#5817957 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:42

#109 that was already said just a couple of comments ago, try to be more original.

Reply

twelve_oh_seven | 11

#5817993 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:23

haha Ikr

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5819777 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 15:40

If I were Op, I'd be the one crying

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820808 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:27

#109 you are several comments too late dear.....

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5824156 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:26

Or just use the back door if they're into that...

By umchayul | 4

#5817440 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

You can still have sex. I'm sure she'll give the best devil's wings

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5817469 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:24

Be happy OP! Your girlfriend genuinely loves sex!! :-)

Reply

Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5817560 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:20

#42 people who don't like having sex, obviously.

Reply

hansam | 12

#5817591 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:53

When the river runs red, take the dirt road

Reply

little_one1 | 14

#5817634 - Sunday 5 January 2014 14:48

Oh HELL no, 54!

I'mjustkiddingmyboyfriendandiareexperienceddirtroadtravelers.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5817655 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:21

#61 i should punch you after reading your comment

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5817704 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:30

#61, your comment made my head hurt.

Reply

vipirius | 18

#5818001 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:30

Damn it, now I really wanna know what 61 said.

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5818072 - Sunday 5 January 2014 23:16

Don't worry #121, you're better off not knowing.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818563 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:04

What did #61 say

Reply

SThompson90 | 7

#5819080 - Monday 6 January 2014 21:04

#150, the same thing the fox said

Reply

manga_fml | 15

#5826059 - Monday 13 January 2014 14:09

devil's wings?

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

Reply

StzaCrack666 | 18

#5817447 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

imo its kinda cute

Reply

boating_guy | 33

#5817766 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

if they really want it, just ride the crimson ride.
alternatively, if the river runs red, take the dirt road home.

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5818382 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:37

If you don't wanna become a mum take it up the bum?

Reply

jgw_it2 | 12

#5822944 - Friday 10 January 2014 9:07

#136 ew.

By loganHchrist | 9

#5817443 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:04

Doesn't matter will get laid

Reply

loganHchrist | 9

#5817446 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

** eventually

Reply

davidislost | 11

#5817756 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:49

That would have been more humorous if you used a pop cultural reference like 'doesn't matter, had sex'

Reply

Apeirophobe | 13

#5818356 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:21

In my opinion such clichés don't add to the comic value.

By Rxted | 8

#5817445 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:05

Nothing's wrong with birthday blowjobs.

Reply

fk18 | 27

#5817465 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:20

Why would she give him a bj for HER birthday?

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817479 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:36

"Happy birthday babe! It's okay, you can still give me a blowjob!"

Whoopdeedoo.

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5817486 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:44

I mean, some girls enjoy it, too, so it really isn't something selfish for OP if she wants to do it.

Reply

happyfingers | 15

#5817496 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:58

By the sounds of it, she probably doesnt.

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5817769 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:11

#26 considering it's her birthday not OP'S yes it is not to mention since she just started her period her emotions are probably a bit high right now so if he brought it up to her it would make her even more upset.

Reply

JanisEvans | 10

#5818685 - Monday 6 January 2014 11:38

No.

Reply

anabanana6994 | 4

#5841119 - Monday 27 January 2014 20:40

Some people enjoy giving head

By LadyDelphinea | 4

#5817449 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:07

Dude that sucks...

By deepvira | 16

#5817454 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

Tell her that you are gonna get sex,just not from her! It's your birthday after all!

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5817460 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:16

Are you like dumb or something? Read the FML!

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817481 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:37

12, either you're a high-strung jerk, or you're illiterate. Can't decide.

Reply

lb0812 | 18

#5817685 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:02

Why not both?? :D

Reply

fullalove | 23

#5817707 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:47

1.it clearly says he takes his girlfriend out for HER birthday.
2. even if it was his birthday, what the hell kind of advice is it to tell him to cheat?

Reply

emirie | 21

#5817713 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:57

12, your comment was so bad i tried to thumb you down more than once. All girls should avoid you.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5818418 - Monday 6 January 2014 5:00

Not even just all girls. All people should avoid you. Grow up.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818564 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:05

It was HER birthday

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820818 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:37

He is BOTH #36

By thelittleghost | 3

#5817458 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:13

At least she enjoys sex with you and just wait you can have belated birthday sex ;3

By BFons | 19

#5817471 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:26

So why can't you have sex? Might be a little messy, but hell do it in the shower.

Reply

happle | 21

#5817804 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:18

I don't know about other girls, but paired with bloating and cramps, I don't want a penis anywhere near me when I'm on my period.

Reply

kaytasha | 17

#5817829 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:27

Yep that definitely works, especially when feeling are involved, it is a deep intimate moment though not for persons with a blood phobia

Reply

Korra_fml | 23

#5817883 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:46

actually, sex can help to alleviate cramping.

Reply

Squeaky_Tomato | 14

#5817982 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:13

I actually get more horny on my period.

I vote for the shower or put a towel you don't care about between her and the bed :)

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5817996 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:29

My girlfriend's period goes much better if we have sex during that time. OP, do what needs to be done and end her birthday on a high note.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#5818819 - Monday 6 January 2014 14:55

116 -- Whenever I've had sex with a girl on her period, I've always laid out a convenient red towel. Banging while on her period isn't preferable to me, but I'd rather please her. Not really too worried about myself, as long as she's satisfied.

Reply

ImYourPapi | 6

#5833386 - Monday 20 January 2014 19:05

Yup