Intimacy: Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

On a leash

Fancy a pint?

By BadGuyLuck - United States

Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML

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By Wet Britches - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

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By Jaime - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

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By extraflavour - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By reserved - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

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By Workplace woes - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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By :( - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By htothecr - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By welptbh - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me of hormones like a heroin addict". FML

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By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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By a - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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By moronforadad - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

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By Shalamar - Canada

Today, the new guy at work - who is probably at least ten years older than I am - admired the photo on my desk of myself with my husband and teenage daughters and asked "Are those your grand-children?" I'm in my 40's. FML

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By Fail - United States

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

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By reedcarter

Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML

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By Bad Artist - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link to a "horrible" tattoo that he found online, that a guy had gotten at my tattoo parlor. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

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By carrie - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

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By peachesthepigeon - United States

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

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By EmbarrassedMess - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

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By SilverAuthor - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

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By Minnie - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

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By mylifeisamovie - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

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By jkim - United States - San Diego

Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By undanya__four - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By DeepFriedZombie

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

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By Yes - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 17:01

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

Today, my sisters took me to a gay bar to celebrate my birthday. All was going well, until the drag queens demanded anyone with a birthday on stage. My sisters forced me to go. Turns out, it was for a twerking contest. I can't dance and have social anxiety. When I got off the stage, I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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Top comments

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

COMMENTS

By metallica_wins | 20

#5817438 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Well, hormones are a bitch.

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5817453 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

She wants the D

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5817500 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:09

And a cockblock too.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5817519 - Sunday 5 January 2014 11:48

A period ain't never stopped nothing but a sentence.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5817749 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:38

#38, that's a good one!

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5817765 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

Best. FML. Ever. (in a 'FYL' kinda way)

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820805 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:25

lmao...#38 I love your comment

By 712sash | 25

#5817439 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:02

Does matter, didn't have birthday sex.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5817524 - Sunday 5 January 2014 12:09

if she's that sad over not getting birthday sex you must be doing something right.

Reply

kjack49044 | 18

#5817676 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:44

Yes, she's got her priorities straight.

Reply

Rulerray97 | 25

#5817922 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:04

A period never stopped anything but a sentence.

Reply

Jabberwockyy | 13

#5817957 - Sunday 5 January 2014 20:42

#109 that was already said just a couple of comments ago, try to be more original.

Reply

twelve_oh_seven | 11

#5817993 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:23

haha Ikr

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5819777 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 15:40

If I were Op, I'd be the one crying

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820808 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:27

#109 you are several comments too late dear.....

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5824156 - Saturday 11 January 2014 13:26

Or just use the back door if they're into that...

By umchayul | 4

#5817440 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

You can still have sex. I'm sure she'll give the best devil's wings

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5817469 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:24

Be happy OP! Your girlfriend genuinely loves sex!! :-)

Reply

Fuaaad1994 | 31

#5817560 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:20

#42 people who don't like having sex, obviously.

Reply

hansam | 12

#5817591 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:53

When the river runs red, take the dirt road

Reply

little_one1 | 14

#5817634 - Sunday 5 January 2014 14:48

Oh HELL no, 54!

I'mjustkiddingmyboyfriendandiareexperienceddirtroadtravelers.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5817655 - Sunday 5 January 2014 15:21

#61 i should punch you after reading your comment

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5817704 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:30

#61, your comment made my head hurt.

Reply

vipirius | 18

#5818001 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:30

Damn it, now I really wanna know what 61 said.

Reply

TheLittleBear | 19

#5818072 - Sunday 5 January 2014 23:16

Don't worry #121, you're better off not knowing.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818563 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:04

What did #61 say

Reply

SThompson90 | 7

#5819080 - Monday 6 January 2014 21:04

#150, the same thing the fox said

Reply

manga_fml | 15

#5826059 - Monday 13 January 2014 14:09

devil's wings?

By EternalRest | 5

#5817441 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:03

At least you know she was looking forward to having sex with you?

Reply

StzaCrack666 | 18

#5817447 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

imo its kinda cute

Reply

boating_guy | 33

#5817766 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:59

if they really want it, just ride the crimson ride.
alternatively, if the river runs red, take the dirt road home.

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5818382 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:37

If you don't wanna become a mum take it up the bum?

Reply

jgw_it2 | 12

#5822944 - Friday 10 January 2014 9:07

#136 ew.

By loganHchrist | 9

#5817443 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:04

Doesn't matter will get laid

Reply

loganHchrist | 9

#5817446 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:06

** eventually

Reply

davidislost | 11

#5817756 - Sunday 5 January 2014 17:49

That would have been more humorous if you used a pop cultural reference like 'doesn't matter, had sex'

Reply

Apeirophobe | 13

#5818356 - Monday 6 January 2014 4:21

In my opinion such clichés don't add to the comic value.

By Rxted | 8

#5817445 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:05

Nothing's wrong with birthday blowjobs.

Reply

fk18 | 27

#5817465 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:20

Why would she give him a bj for HER birthday?

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817479 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:36

"Happy birthday babe! It's okay, you can still give me a blowjob!"

Whoopdeedoo.

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5817486 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:44

I mean, some girls enjoy it, too, so it really isn't something selfish for OP if she wants to do it.

Reply

happyfingers | 15

#5817496 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:58

By the sounds of it, she probably doesnt.

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5817769 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:11

#26 considering it's her birthday not OP'S yes it is not to mention since she just started her period her emotions are probably a bit high right now so if he brought it up to her it would make her even more upset.

Reply

JanisEvans | 10

#5818685 - Monday 6 January 2014 11:38

No.

Reply

anabanana6994 | 4

#5841119 - Monday 27 January 2014 20:40

Some people enjoy giving head

By LadyDelphinea | 4

#5817449 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:07

Dude that sucks...

By deepvira | 16

#5817454 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:10

Tell her that you are gonna get sex,just not from her! It's your birthday after all!

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5817460 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:16

Are you like dumb or something? Read the FML!

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5817481 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:37

12, either you're a high-strung jerk, or you're illiterate. Can't decide.

Reply

lb0812 | 18

#5817685 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:02

Why not both?? :D

Reply

fullalove | 23

#5817707 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:47

1.it clearly says he takes his girlfriend out for HER birthday.
2. even if it was his birthday, what the hell kind of advice is it to tell him to cheat?

Reply

emirie | 21

#5817713 - Sunday 5 January 2014 16:57

12, your comment was so bad i tried to thumb you down more than once. All girls should avoid you.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5818418 - Monday 6 January 2014 5:00

Not even just all girls. All people should avoid you. Grow up.

Reply

worse__days | 7

#5818564 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:05

It was HER birthday

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5820818 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 12:37

He is BOTH #36

By thelittleghost | 3

#5817458 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:13

At least she enjoys sex with you and just wait you can have belated birthday sex ;3

By BFons | 19

#5817471 - Sunday 5 January 2014 10:26

So why can't you have sex? Might be a little messy, but hell do it in the shower.

Reply

happle | 21

#5817804 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:18

I don't know about other girls, but paired with bloating and cramps, I don't want a penis anywhere near me when I'm on my period.

Reply

kaytasha | 17

#5817829 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:27

Yep that definitely works, especially when feeling are involved, it is a deep intimate moment though not for persons with a blood phobia

Reply

Korra_fml | 23

#5817883 - Sunday 5 January 2014 19:46

actually, sex can help to alleviate cramping.

Reply

Squeaky_Tomato | 14

#5817982 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:13

I actually get more horny on my period.

I vote for the shower or put a towel you don't care about between her and the bed :)

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#5817996 - Sunday 5 January 2014 21:29

My girlfriend's period goes much better if we have sex during that time. OP, do what needs to be done and end her birthday on a high note.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#5818819 - Monday 6 January 2014 14:55

116 -- Whenever I've had sex with a girl on her period, I've always laid out a convenient red towel. Banging while on her period isn't preferable to me, but I'd rather please her. Not really too worried about myself, as long as she's satisfied.

Reply

ImYourPapi | 6

#5833386 - Monday 20 January 2014 19:05

Yup