Miscellaneous: Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get... - FML

By GonnaLockUpMySpices - 30/10/2015 01:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 864

You deserved it 1 820

Time for a change

Drunken antics

Pile on

Power in Christ

By Sinnersinner - 21/09/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 816

You deserved it 7 564

By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 494

You deserved it 3 905

Practical

By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 818

You deserved it 20 047

By Chris75 - 01/09/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my whole family piled into our station wagon just to watch my mom take part in an arm wrestling contest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 521

You deserved it 3 839

By Anonymous - 08/05/2016 08:42

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 718

You deserved it 2 642

By spoiled22 - 12/10/2011 07:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 838

You deserved it 28 134

By wookieewhosshe - 25/04/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 1 761

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 12/03/2021 23:01

Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 57

By zyordz - 27/06/2009 04:12 - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 800

You deserved it 41 099

By HotCurry - 05/09/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 070

You deserved it 3 504

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 05:52 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was leaning over a fence in a pasture to get a closer look at something. Nobody warned my nuts that it was an electric fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 568

You deserved it 10 991

Tetchy

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 19:58

Today, my partner got mad at me for forgetting to turn off the bedroom light when coming back from brushing my teeth, and has chosen to sleep in our spare bedroom over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 192

By montanadinosaur - 26/04/2015 04:05 - United States - Tampa

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 081

You deserved it 10 720

By moutz - 20/07/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 286

You deserved it 15 301

By Frozen Food Fan - 11/08/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 904

You deserved it 5 513

Sensitive

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 17:00

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 182

You deserved it 103

By Ralph - 04/04/2012 03:02 - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 163

You deserved it 13 272

By kayin - 10/12/2010 01:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 377

You deserved it 6 561

By Anonymous - 21/02/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 033

You deserved it 310

By badhairday - 26/12/2010 01:38 - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 634

You deserved it 5 883

By apparently inexperienced - 11/09/2012 16:54 - United States - Brockton

Spicy

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 625

You deserved it 6 456

By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 174

You deserved it 6 961

By Anonymous - 05/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 206

By KAAALIS - 16/03/2009 02:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736 492

You deserved it 493 845

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

By dumbass stereotypes - 25/03/2020 20:00

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 066

You deserved it 210

By Kika - 20/01/2009 07:59 - France

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 957

You deserved it 4 522

By PrinceOfBritain - 14/05/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 365

You deserved it 3 501

By FML - 05/10/2014 23:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 692

You deserved it 3 153

By goodmorning - 07/09/2014 13:45 - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 633

You deserved it 4 435

By dating a fucking psycho - 14/02/2013 20:06 - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 825

You deserved it 6 017

By dwek - 15/05/2009 11:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 850

You deserved it 61 263

By ifeelfat - 17/06/2014 20:44 - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 8 074

By Michael - 04/01/2010 08:50 - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 009

You deserved it 2 907

By livvlynette - 27/02/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 061

You deserved it 4 243

By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 892

You deserved it 2 359

Repetitive

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 04:01

Today, my husband stormed out to the pub because he couldn’t stand listening to my mother droning on and on about the same stories she always tells and the programmes she watches everyday. He didn’t think of taking me with him, so I had to stay and listen to the boring old bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 678

By fizzie101 - 18/10/2014 21:43 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 379

You deserved it 4 668

By brycepetrillo - 07/09/2013 16:08 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 101

You deserved it 3 965

By marge1010 - 08/03/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 873

You deserved it 9 979

By marray - 23/07/2018 12:46 - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 866

You deserved it 612

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:09

your spice cabinet is locked?

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:42

Apparently it has to be since his roommate might try to break in.

Comments

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:08

Let him do it to teach him a lesson.

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Friday 30 October 2015 14:56

...a chemistry lesson??

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Friday 30 October 2015 16:15

More like a biology lesson

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Friday 30 October 2015 17:07

#1 Shut up Meg.

Mpii 11

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Friday 30 October 2015 18:09

#1 Shut up nutmeg.

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:09

your spice cabinet is locked?

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:42

Apparently it has to be since his roommate might try to break in.

Seabass_Chan 33

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Friday 30 October 2015 15:25

...and now we know why.

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Friday 30 October 2015 15:44

or OP has spices he didn't mention....

Mpii 11

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Friday 30 October 2015 18:11

Or maybe op has some very expencive spices.

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Friday 30 October 2015 23:54

He has a roommate that tries to get high off his nutmeg. Wouldn't you?

zombiekiller52 24

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:09

Was he high when he did this?

ShleeG 23

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:09

Really?! That's a thing people do?

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Friday 30 October 2015 13:11

Makes wicked tea that gives a good high.

OSMC 10

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Friday 30 October 2015 15:44

you had personal experience, high sir?

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Friday 30 October 2015 16:15

Yes but it's actually pretty dangerous. I'd stick to weed or using a whipped cream container if you're really in a tough spot

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Saturday 31 October 2015 6:00

Huffing whipped cream is bad for you though

Cads1 24

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:14

That isn't even a real thing.

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:20

Yes, it is. With sufficient quantities, nutmeg will get you high, but it usually gets you really sick as well. Also, it's lethal if injected intravenously.

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Friday 30 October 2015 13:07

Well then. You learn something new everyday.

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 30 October 2015 13:16

I suspect that if I tried sniffing my nutmeg, all I'd get is a sneezing attack.

chinaski7628 32

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Friday 30 October 2015 17:45

19—you smoke it (not that I've tried it, but that's the word on the street).

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:16

That's pretty pathetic but so is the fact that you lock your spice cabinet.

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Friday 30 October 2015 17:18

The title of the FML says they need to lock up their spices so I'm assuming it wasn't even locked to begin with.

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:22

Did it work?

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:23

Better take his markers so you could get "high" off of them.

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:23

You would have to have way too much nutmeg for him to actually get high. It would only take one time to teach him to never do it again. The weak high isn't worth how violently sick it makes you.

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Friday 30 October 2015 17:26

Thyme for the nutmeg challenge.

StzaCrack666 18

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Friday 30 October 2015 20:57

Yep tried it once in high school never again

kianabanannna 21

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Friday 30 October 2015 12:28

Desperate times call for desperate measures

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 32

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 146