By OhHeySlogan - 06/11/2011 18:24 - United States

Today, I picked up a broken piece of seemingly velvety cactus to show my mom. I now have a million microscopic, painful splinters in my fingers. FML
I agree, your life sucks 11 960
You deserved it 40 935

OhHeySlogan tells us more.

I'm the OP. That's what I did and it worked. Haha I'm still finding a few stragglers though.

Top comments

AngryBeaver32 8

Put a thick layer of glue on your fingers and let it dry completely. After it's good and dry, peel the glue off and it should pull at least some of the splinters out. Also, call your doctor if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours.


...or a million little pricks. I would hate to work at a school.

"Oh, look, a cactus, I HAVE to show my mother this amazing water-absorbing plant!"

It's so smooth! I must touch it, and rub my genitals with it! Aww shit just kidding....

Why are you kidding? That's what I use all of my cacti for. Or am I doing it wrong...

Damn_Hippster 11

"Now son don't touch that cactus" *son touches cactus* "your dead to me" (asdf movie 3)

If you've ever pierced your scrotum, you might be doing it wrong. Otherwise, carry on.

I only pierced the scrotum my first time. But you know the saying, practice makes perfect!

What? No, that's preposterous. What would make you think that?

enonymous 8

Keyman the person behind you looks like he didn't get that memo in time

I once had a cactus I kept by my desk (I dunno I'm a ******* idiot) ad when I was lighting a candle using a match I think I struck it to hard and it broke and fell on the cactus. That shit caught on fire in under 3 seconds it was insane.

I ******* hate those things!! Bust out the warm water and tweezers, this is gonna be painful.

I'm about to tell an actually relevant story about a cactus. About 2 years ago, I licked one, and I didn't get a single little splinter.

Here's a relevant story about a cactus: I've never had one.

But I may or may not be high as **** on Peyote right now, which comes from cacti...

13FTW 9

Damn dillon, only the first time? My scrotum looks like it was given a handjob by Edward scissorhands. Got any tips?

Mad_Alien 8

The green part actually was velvety. The spots on it had the tiny thorns that you couldn't see. My mom had expressed an interest in that type of cactus previously. I don't live in Texas (or Arizona where I'm vacationing) I'm from Massachusetts, and I'm a girl. Does that basically answer all the questions?

#142 it doesn't matter how much candy he offers you, it's never a good Idea to let edward scissorhands anywhere near your scrotum. Just saying

Come on 154. Can I call you Sarah? Sarah, we're joking with you. It's understandable to joke about an FML. It is a humor website after all...

13FTW 9

But, 163, you don't understand, he had trident layers. It's legit.

bugmenotmofo 34

Put them on your head and pretend to be Pin Head!

ImFrackinBored 13

I know exactly how this goes---from childhood expereince grabbing a potted cactus to see how the fuzzy stuff felt....

Oi. Among the painful puns, you seem to be the king/queen (as applicable). Congrats...

Are you retarded ? Why the **** else is gunna happen

xGraycloud 4

*what & question mark at the end?

Brice28_fml 10

Apparently she is the retarded one.. Grammar is a bitch huh

Uhm that was my stupid spell check. Thanks asshole.

Brice28_fml 10

You're welcome! :) I'm just glad I could help you get pissed at me over the Internet! Have a great life! :) hahaha

bizarre_ftw 21

Ahhh 13 yo trolls, pathetic and a wedgie waiting to happen

kewlkate 9

Yeah, spell check isn't THAT off. I have a feeling it was the user. You seem to be quite capable of reading, so you should be able to read a sentence and make corrections grammatically.

It wasn't that off ! It was why instead of wat,

Stupid spell check! Must have miscorrected the right word this time huh? Try 'what'

Give her a break. Shes the 4th commenter, theres a pretty good chance of her spelling a word wrong.

tweetbaby14 18

We got it the first two times.

unomo 0

There should be a question mark at the end of the second sentence, why should be what, and there should be no space between "retarded" and the "?" F. See me after class.

They give you time though to go back and correct it after commenting.

Lol dumb bitch is trying to debate on grammar.

Your stupid and rom Canada no wonder you don't have good grammar

OP was hoping that if she rubbed it hard enough a genie would pop out

33. I would like to point out that since you are such a "grammar Nazi", theres no such sentence with so many exclamation marks on it. So therefore you failed grammartically. :(

Yea, if you're going to try to blame spell check... You should at least try to spell the intended word correctly. "Wat" is in no way, shape, or form "what"... And it's that kind of crap that makes me glad I'm not a moron, or from your generation. Call me a grammar Nazi all you want, I'd rather not see the English language go down the toilet out of laziness for what... One simple letter?

160 you are a moron. If you are going to say Canadians are stupid and do not use proper grammar, then you should punctuate your sentences properly. Also checking your spelling would also help before hitting the submit button.

Brice28_fml 10

183- I'm not trying to be a grammar Nazi. Hell, I'm a freshman in high school.

leadman1989 15

185 - Then thou tounge and script doth betray proper English.

I can't stand people who constantly correct spelling & grammer, especially where technology is concerned. It's rude and you look uptight. I got the jist of it and kinda agree. Who picks up a cactus like that and expects different results?

Brice28_fml 10

195- wow bring my generation into this. Just because I used exclamation marks as a joke now my entire generation is being brought into this. Look, I use this website for fun. I also piss people off on this website. So while you may watch this religiously and find any time to jump on somebody's back, go ahead. Meanwhile, since I'm a retarded 9th grader that is as intelligent as a 6th grader, I'm going to continue living my every day life!!! O look, an improper sentence, how bad of me.

Brice28_fml 10

Yes, I am bawling. It's called sarcasm. I use it 24/7 because it's fun. I am the worst thing that has ever happened to society. I can't go on anymore man. Look what you did to me. Over this website. O look, a sentence fragment. I just keep having emotional breakdowns on here. I have to apologize over this.

This thread caused my vocal cords to emit giggles.

Brice28_fml 10

Well go ahead I have nothing better to do. I did my homework, went to swimming and marching band practice. Now I'm just pissing you off and watching two and a half men. Any more comments you want to say about me?

Brice28_fml 10

All right obviously we are both using sarcasm. When type (for example right now) I'm not being serious no matter what it seems. Honestly, I wouldn't mind being friends with you. That isn't sarcasm there. It's up to you, continue bitching at each other or just ending this.

This is me throwing in my two cents... The importance of grammar can mean the difference between: "Helping my Uncle Jack of his horse." And... "Helping my uncle jack off his horse."

ikickgingers 15
thebaconweave 0

are you a 16 year old middle schooler that dropped out?

natashax21 5

No middle schooler I've ever met was 16.....

Pretty sure that was part of the joke 34........

That infect should look a little more like ",infact,"Auto correct bested me again.

Well, I actually knew a 16 year old middle schooler. He was in 8th grade and finally gave up and dropped out.

kurquizu 3

Your welcome, lieutenant sarcasm!

And when I said this, I meant that when you think of cactus, you usually think sharp, painful spikes on a plant

daydreamer244 13

Cactuses should come with a sign that says 'WARNING: very pointy and sharp.'

I think Mother Nature did that for them. If the pointy-ass spines aren't enough warning on their own, the flowers will do it. Have you ever smelled a cactus flower?

95 - Lol, there is a sticker that says not to put your hand in a running engine. Win.