Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Caught red-handed

Don't shoot the messenger

By ewww - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

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By Mojo_Jojo - China

Today, my crush came to my house to watch movies with me. We were sitting on the couch when he turned to me and said that he had had a dream about me the night before. I moved in to kiss him, thinking he liked me. He then added that I had fallen of a cliff and he had pissed himself laughing. FML

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By feelinnauseous - United States

Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By opinaise - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By GnatEater

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

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By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By bushburn - 1/6/2020 02:00

Pubes of steel

Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML

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By rofindie - United States - Forest Hills

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

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By FlatFoot - United States - New York

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

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By anonymous1 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boss told me I wasn't getting the promotion I'd been angling for. I was so pissed off, I ranted to a coworker about it over lunch. Turns out my boss was just testing how I dealt with rejection before making his final decision. He overheard my rant and me calling him a Nazi bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

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By Chey - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By Ohgodithurts - 19/10/2020 11:00

Roommates from hell, part 4874

Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML

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By somuchforthat - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

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By kittynapper - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

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By Oh - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By Alexismaria - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

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By jennybrev - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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By Mak10 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

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By Dino

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

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By notsober - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

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By and the truth comes out - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

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By Lauren Smith - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

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By lakatkat - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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By kaichennnxx - United States

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

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By LifeFucksUsAll - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

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By LightsOut - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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Top comments

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

By SkardeyKat | 3

#3499459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

I've been in a situation almost exactly like this. Think twice before making any decisions based on fear of the unknown. My children ended up being such a blessing and saved my life. And to think, I didn't even want them!

COMMENTS

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499489 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:42

Anybody have a coat hanger?

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499501 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:46

Anybody have a coat hanger?

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3499527 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:51

Are you the girl with the boyfriend who used the same condom for saving money?

Lanceeden | 12

#3499539 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:54

JELLYLEGS JINX

beckybecks20 | 8

#3499549 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Sucks for you!

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3499763 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:49

I didn't know Kourtney Kardashian was pregnant again.

Grimmerie | 31

#3499790 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:55

20 - Who would have guessed that the counter-curse was just Unjellify?!

By midgetMANjay | 7

#3499420 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

you better keep the child, it's your own fault. a baby shouldn't have to die for your stupidity. YDI

Shrike | 22

#3499453 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

Don't bother feeding this fucking troll, people. Just bury the moron..

midgetMANjay | 7

#3499455 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

lol i knew i would get thumbs downed for that

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3499480 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:41

I really hate anti-abortion idiots, I know I'm feeding the troll

By socoolsophie | 4

#3499427 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:33

You can abort the pregnancy or you can get back with your ex and be a mom tough choice, good luck... Its your fault though.. Just saying they made condoms for a reason

Iknoweverything | 29

#3499546 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Who says you need to be with the guy who knocked you up in order to be a mom? There's such thing as "child support" you know!

RA661 | 8

#3499570 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:02

But a second parent will certainly help a lot more. Nonetheless, it will be responsible of him to do so. (and her as well. YDI)

Daralea | 21

#3499719 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:38

Well, obviously the ex wanted kids, so yay for him!

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3499726 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:40

Alcohol > condoms sometimes sadly.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3499794 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:56

True, 21. It's a false dichotomy. 3 also left out the adoption option.

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3499798 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:57

Adoption is always an option

dcaruso | 1

#3499870 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:16

Stupid fuck. Really? Child support? Working is not an option for u? Go reproduce with your cousin. We need more freak show attractions.

withered | 30

#7605064 - Wednesday 28 February 2018 7:36

Who said that OP's partner would be the one paying child support? OP is the one that does not want the kid and if she gives birth and her ex wants to keep it then SHE would be the one paying.