Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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Love

DINOSAURS!!

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML

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By ouch - 16/9/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2016 07:58 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By Nylo - 29/1/2018 01:30

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

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By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

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By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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By Jared - 23/10/2015 18:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my car after I got it painted. As I backed up in the parking lot, my car scraped against a pillar. Now I have to put it right back in the shop. FML

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By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - 18/10/2012 19:40 - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

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By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

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By adam - 15/2/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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By Char - 9/9/2012 17:02 - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, I walked downstairs with a couple of bags full of stuff, in preparation for a sleepover at my friend's house. My nine-year-old cousin looked at me and said, "Where're you going? Fat camp?" FML

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By tammy - 15/8/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By Username - 24/11/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

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By Etrius - 17/8/2014 15:19 - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By holycow - 22/2/2010 09:28 - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

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By Thongy - 7/4/2020 20:00 - Canada

Cultural differences

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By DayamyWuzHere - 24/11/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

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By Jobless - 28/3/2020 14:00

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Today, I woke up early, felt very energetic, decided to run a couple of miles and bought muffins for my colleagues on my way to the office. Then my boss told me they're shutting us down. At the end of a day that started really great, I'm jobless. FML

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By Wheel chair bound - 16/12/2016 21:14 - United States - Marion

Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML

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By gracie511 - 29/1/2019 12:00

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

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By Hannah - 17/6/2011 21:24 - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

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By KelseNM - 14/8/2018 14:30

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

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By never again - 30/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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By whoknows?! - 5/2/2010 21:18 - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

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By pandabear - 12/2/2010 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

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By balls - 2/10/2015 05:49 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 17:52 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

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By IHateGroupProjects - 25/4/2012 13:25 - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

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By RequilaRainbow - 26/1/2012 07:34 - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Garrett - 1/10/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

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Top comments

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

By SkardeyKat | 3

#3499459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

I've been in a situation almost exactly like this. Think twice before making any decisions based on fear of the unknown. My children ended up being such a blessing and saved my life. And to think, I didn't even want them!

Comments

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499489 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:42

Anybody have a coat hanger?

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499501 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:46

Anybody have a coat hanger?

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3499527 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:51

Are you the girl with the boyfriend who used the same condom for saving money?

Lanceeden | 12

#3499539 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:54

JELLYLEGS JINX

beckybecks20 | 8

#3499549 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Sucks for you!

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3499763 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:49

I didn't know Kourtney Kardashian was pregnant again.

Grimmerie | 31

#3499790 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:55

20 - Who would have guessed that the counter-curse was just Unjellify?!

By midgetMANjay | 7

#3499420 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

you better keep the child, it's your own fault. a baby shouldn't have to die for your stupidity. YDI

Shrike | 22

#3499453 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

Don't bother feeding this fucking troll, people. Just bury the moron..

midgetMANjay | 7

#3499455 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

lol i knew i would get thumbs downed for that

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3499480 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:41

I really hate anti-abortion idiots, I know I'm feeding the troll

By socoolsophie | 4

#3499427 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:33

You can abort the pregnancy or you can get back with your ex and be a mom tough choice, good luck... Its your fault though.. Just saying they made condoms for a reason

Iknoweverything | 29

#3499546 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Who says you need to be with the guy who knocked you up in order to be a mom? There's such thing as "child support" you know!

RA661 | 8

#3499570 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:02

But a second parent will certainly help a lot more. Nonetheless, it will be responsible of him to do so. (and her as well. YDI)

Daralea | 21

#3499719 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:38

Well, obviously the ex wanted kids, so yay for him!

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3499726 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:40

Alcohol > condoms sometimes sadly.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3499794 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:56

True, 21. It's a false dichotomy. 3 also left out the adoption option.

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3499798 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:57

Adoption is always an option

dcaruso | 1

#3499870 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:16

Stupid fuck. Really? Child support? Working is not an option for u? Go reproduce with your cousin. We need more freak show attractions.

withered | 30

#7605064 - Wednesday 28 February 2018 7:36

Who said that OP's partner would be the one paying child support? OP is the one that does not want the kid and if she gives birth and her ex wants to keep it then SHE would be the one paying.