Love: Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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Love

Triage

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In-laws, in-fighting

By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Whoops...

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

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By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By Laura - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

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By fresh single - United States - Pomona

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

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By daughter - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By D: - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

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By JustMyLuck - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By Sadmom - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 23:03 - France

Shut down

Today, I finished an exam in physics class. It counts for 40% of our grade. As I handed my paper in to my teacher, she said to the whole class while talking about me, "You did this wrong; this isn't how you do it." FML

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By Lovestupid - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By unluckymiss - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

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By period_probs - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous

This Charming Man

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

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By sobusy - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By d4rkxf0x - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Porter

Dirty mind

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Get 'em!

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 16:58

Two rooms, two atmospheres

Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML

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By FML - Sweden

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Canceled Wedding

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By TheBeastSwaq - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat across from a cute boy in my English class. I thought it was cute when he winked at me, so I laughed and winked back. I didn't understand why he shot me a dirty look, until I later found out he has eyelid spasms. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By emptypockets - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was pulled over and fined $100 for driving without a license, as I'd accidentally left home without my wallet. I later found my wallet wedged beside my car seat, where it had been the entire time. FML

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By AboutToBeHomeless

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

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By Cottagecheeseha - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

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By wtfdaughter - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By crazyattracts - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

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Top comments

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

By SkardeyKat | 3

#3499459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

I've been in a situation almost exactly like this. Think twice before making any decisions based on fear of the unknown. My children ended up being such a blessing and saved my life. And to think, I didn't even want them!

COMMENTS

By Olovio | 5

#3499419 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

If only you were a witch. You could just point your wand at your uterus and shout FETUS DELETUS!

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499489 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:42

Anybody have a coat hanger?

melchibr_fml | 0

#3499501 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:46

Anybody have a coat hanger?

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3499527 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:51

Are you the girl with the boyfriend who used the same condom for saving money?

Lanceeden | 12

#3499539 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:54

JELLYLEGS JINX

beckybecks20 | 8

#3499549 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Sucks for you!

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3499763 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:49

I didn't know Kourtney Kardashian was pregnant again.

Grimmerie | 31

#3499790 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:55

20 - Who would have guessed that the counter-curse was just Unjellify?!

By midgetMANjay | 7

#3499420 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:32

you better keep the child, it's your own fault. a baby shouldn't have to die for your stupidity. YDI

Shrike | 22

#3499453 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

Don't bother feeding this fucking troll, people. Just bury the moron..

midgetMANjay | 7

#3499455 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:38

lol i knew i would get thumbs downed for that

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3499480 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:41

I really hate anti-abortion idiots, I know I'm feeding the troll

By socoolsophie | 4

#3499427 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:33

You can abort the pregnancy or you can get back with your ex and be a mom tough choice, good luck... Its your fault though.. Just saying they made condoms for a reason

Iknoweverything | 29

#3499546 - Thursday 27 October 2011 18:56

Who says you need to be with the guy who knocked you up in order to be a mom? There's such thing as "child support" you know!

RA661 | 8

#3499570 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:02

But a second parent will certainly help a lot more. Nonetheless, it will be responsible of him to do so. (and her as well. YDI)

Daralea | 21

#3499719 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:38

Well, obviously the ex wanted kids, so yay for him!

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3499726 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:40

Alcohol > condoms sometimes sadly.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3499794 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:56

True, 21. It's a false dichotomy. 3 also left out the adoption option.

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3499798 - Thursday 27 October 2011 19:57

Adoption is always an option

dcaruso | 1

#3499870 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:16

Stupid fuck. Really? Child support? Working is not an option for u? Go reproduce with your cousin. We need more freak show attractions.

withered | 30

#7605064 - Wednesday 28 February 2018 7:36

Who said that OP's partner would be the one paying child support? OP is the one that does not want the kid and if she gives birth and her ex wants to keep it then SHE would be the one paying.