Love: Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on...

By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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Love

Taking stock

Marxism intensifies

People are strange

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

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By ifmlftw - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

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By Maria - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

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By ducklover1 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I got to see a waterfall up close. Too bad it was in my bedroom. FML

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By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 05:02

Alexa, play "Glad to be Unhappy" by The Mamas & The Papas

Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

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By marie - 10/3/2021 16:59

Run, run now

Today, I discovered my husband of 3 years is cheating on me with another woman. Nice to know he has absolutely zero feelings for me at all. FML

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By Gerry - 3/1/2021 17:03

Fate, up against your will

Today, according to my wife of 30 years, I'm finally old enough that I look, smell, sound and act like my father. FML

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By milf - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

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By skanula414 - Sweden - Malm?

Liar, liar

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

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By ___Ruby_____

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By Why Me? - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

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By Betrayed - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

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By Stinky - United States

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

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By aninc - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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By calamity janet

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

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By Emcee - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By TooYoungForThis - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

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By Username

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By iloveryanhiga - United States

Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML

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By shopper242 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By k - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

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By Not Wanted - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By Dave

Today, I said to a girl that I recently started dating, ‘I like you so far’. My phone had other plans and decide to autocorrect far to fat as I hit send. FML.

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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20108

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By lonethong15 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

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By Bryan - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

You had to ask

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

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By heaventlyassbutt - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

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Top comments

By hannahuk1986 | 0

#766713 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:36

Count your blessings that there are two girls willing to kiss a klutz like you.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#766685 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:18

smooth

COMMENTS

By icanspellgud | 0

#766671 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:14

first

polkadot1196 | 0

#766698 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:26

STOP BEING AN ATTENTION HOGGER!

Mustardnight | 3

#767654 - Monday 11 January 2010 8:35

Polka you just did the exact same thing. Sry op.

michaelscot23 | 0

#952051 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:50

I pity da fool!

By dtm1973 | 0

#766672 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:14

So you're a clutz. it's ok.

White667 | 0

#768904 - Monday 11 January 2010 22:36

Yeah, I mean just be slow. If you're not good at it, don't rush the process.

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3489842 - Tuesday 25 October 2011 23:46

what a ladies man

SpikedKnuckles | 8

#4993866 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:42

What an idiot. How the hell do you miss. That's embarrassing to all men.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#766685 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:18

smooth

By polkadot1196 | 0

#766695 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:26

STOP BEING AN ATTENTION HOGGER!

By kko138 | 0

#766696 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:25

good, last.

By Erindub | 0

#766701 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:27

At least it wasn't your brother

By Erindub | 0

#766705 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:34

And

By hannahuk1986 | 0

#766713 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:36

Count your blessings that there are two girls willing to kiss a klutz like you.

By Laxloverr24 | 0

#766718 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:40

you really need to get a haircut. no offence. that's just from looking at your picture.

GumboVariation | 0

#767569 - Monday 11 January 2010 7:06

His hair actually kind of reminds me Roger Daltrey in his youth. What's so wrong about it?

eastangels | 0

#3248991 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 1:03

Laxxxxxxxxx

By azurablade | 0

#766720 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:44

fail