Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on...

By Olihime - 10/1/2010 18:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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Love

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Headache

Gratitude walks

By bevo - 26/8/2010 02:09 - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

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By Baby - 26/1/2017 08:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 03:19 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By McFired - 23/3/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

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By "of fucking course" - 5/9/2017 06:00

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By and somehow you have a master's degree - 7/11/2017 01:30

Good excuse.

Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 20:44 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 17:00

Leave me alone

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By fuck yuo - 1/9/2012 20:50 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By pagvscgrac - 13/3/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By Tanya - 30/5/2019 11:26

Today, I found shit smeared into the carpet and I wasn’t sure who to blame, the dog, the newborn baby or the 60-year-old alcoholic mother-in-law whose husband had finally thrown her out. I did eventually find her passed out drunk in my flower bed with shit all down her legs though. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 15:33 - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on a bus. When I awoke suddenly, half of the bus was staring at me, with some people chuckling and smiling. I have no idea what I did. FML

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By the_lameo_geek - 21/10/2013 02:16 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By ouch - 16/4/2013 16:17 - United States - Nashville

Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 16:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By lonelyashell - 2/3/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, and on the way back was rear ended in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML

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By RobotUnicorn1209 - 14/8/2015 19:31 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By blew it - 5/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

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By ugh - 8/6/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2012 07:10 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By Jammy238 - 1/2/2010 05:27 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2016 14:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

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By walkingisfun - 2/7/2017 20:00

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 16:07

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

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By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 04:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - 3/3/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By joshualover - 23/9/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

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By apparentlyhesbusy - 23/11/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2017 15:00

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

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Top comments

By hannahuk1986 | 0

#766713 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:36

Count your blessings that there are two girls willing to kiss a klutz like you.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#766685 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:18

smooth

COMMENTS

By icanspellgud | 0

#766671 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:14

first

polkadot1196 | 0

#766698 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:26

STOP BEING AN ATTENTION HOGGER!

Mustardnight | 3

#767654 - Monday 11 January 2010 8:35

Polka you just did the exact same thing. Sry op.

michaelscot23 | 0

#952051 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:50

I pity da fool!

By dtm1973 | 0

#766672 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:14

So you're a clutz. it's ok.

White667 | 0

#768904 - Monday 11 January 2010 22:36

Yeah, I mean just be slow. If you're not good at it, don't rush the process.

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3489842 - Tuesday 25 October 2011 23:46

what a ladies man

SpikedKnuckles | 8

#4993866 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:42

What an idiot. How the hell do you miss. That's embarrassing to all men.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#766685 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:18

smooth

By polkadot1196 | 0

#766695 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:26

STOP BEING AN ATTENTION HOGGER!

By kko138 | 0

#766696 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:25

good, last.

By Erindub | 0

#766701 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:27

At least it wasn't your brother

By Erindub | 0

#766705 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:34

And

By hannahuk1986 | 0

#766713 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:36

Count your blessings that there are two girls willing to kiss a klutz like you.

By Laxloverr24 | 0

#766718 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:40

you really need to get a haircut. no offence. that's just from looking at your picture.

GumboVariation | 0

#767569 - Monday 11 January 2010 7:06

His hair actually kind of reminds me Roger Daltrey in his youth. What's so wrong about it?

eastangels | 0

#3248991 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 1:03

Laxxxxxxxxx

By azurablade | 0

#766720 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:44

fail