Intimacy: Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Out of it

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

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By poseidon5213 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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By Mkimmi - United States - State College

We can tell

Today, I had to fall asleep to my next-door neighbors having sex because our walls are paper thin. What bothered me the most wasn't listening to them doing it, but knowing that she was faking it. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By jnr1234 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By loser - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By Anonymous - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

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By EmmaG123 - United States

Today, I sent my mom an email with "Bad news" for the subject. At the end of her reply, she said, "And don't scare me! I thought you were going to tell me you're pregnant!" I AM pregnant, and wanted to surprise her on her birthday. Guess I should get her something less disappointing. FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By MacGrouber - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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By FunFun in the Sun - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By allergic - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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By Whoops - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By bride - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

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By Kika - France

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

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By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Grindyloo

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

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By LexMarie12

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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By jess - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By swaiteATC - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

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By A.Summers - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By anon - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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By guh - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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Top comments

By fisheatsbear | 6

#914040 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:13

so did you?

By PsychoMerk | 0

#914068 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:19

I wish I could fly :(

COMMENTS

By fisheatsbear | 6

#914040 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:13

so did you?

Horney4her69 | 0

#914060 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:18

I hope she did. sucks when you don't get to finish.

Tripout | 0

#914088 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:22

YEA did you. I WOULDNT call this a fake. US GUYS ARE N A DIFFERENT STATE OF MIND ONCE WE GET GOIN

mattbeverly | 0

#914163 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:47

and u asked her 2 join

fisheatsbear | 6

#914165 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:48

oh oh oh oh oh! I got first :)))))

RustyGuns | 0

#914195 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:59

FHL for you bein a selfish tramp and not letting him finish.

selan_fml | 0

#914201 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:01

props!

sublimaze | 6

#914290 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:46

she "flew out of the room" to go ride her dildo. she finished the job, you should have too

mmastermetallica | 0

#914326 - Thursday 4 March 2010 18:16

finish only if time permits, she has to get back to the kitchen asap! or go hot it from behind while she makes the sandwhich. moms busy w her dildo anyway apparently

reyemrein | 0

#914682 - Thursday 4 March 2010 20:55

The FML is that the mom walked in. It's a good thing her bf wanted to finish or else he would show up on gaydar.

myman47 | 0

#914706 - Thursday 4 March 2010 21:03

how close to finishing were u

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#914832 - Thursday 4 March 2010 22:12

sounds like my ex when I was already past curfew once again and my dad hated and he always wanted to pull in a abondoned parking lot to have a quicky EVEN THO I WAS ALREADY PAST CURFEW. ugh.

cookiemobzta | 0

#914943 - Thursday 4 March 2010 23:24

you have a good man on your hands

WhatANoob | 0

#916089 - Friday 5 March 2010 5:43

A quicky? fun fun fun fun fun in tha car

killerviral | 0

#916167 - Friday 5 March 2010 6:17

threesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

glen12 | 0

#916372 - Friday 5 March 2010 8:42

u always let the guy finish

homicyd | 0

#917762 - Saturday 6 March 2010 0:56

thats what you get dont do that if your not grown up enough to live on your own.

drilher244 | 0

#918366 - Saturday 6 March 2010 8:37

hey! you can't get a guy started and not let him finish!

Aj4710 | 0

#933387 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:14

BLUE BALLS SUCKS!!!!! FINISH HIM!!!!

kingace | 0

#965957 - Sunday 21 March 2010 22:50

haha 109, i read that and thought of mortal combat.

dancmgg | 0

#970605 - Monday 29 March 2010 16:11

did ya?

MissBoo111 | 21

#2811736 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:50

keyword "boyfriend" not husband. that's what u get for not having your own place and being not being married before you have sex. I say UDI for being and idiot and having sex before marriage!

cocainewhore | 30

#6079329 - Thursday 2 October 2014 16:43

#102 why? Plenty of guys don't get the girl to finish every time.

By ringmybell_fml | 0

#914041 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:13

yum?

majones | 0

#914065 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:19

My boyfriend is really awesome. FML

vinny916vp | 0

#914143 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:38

wassup

metalhead256 | 0

#914152 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:43

ummmmmm ok?

bihero | 0

#914213 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:06

#3 awesome dp...

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#914383 - Thursday 4 March 2010 18:50

anytime someone is "walked in" it is an automatic ydi!!!

mccarty_2 | 0

#914421 - Thursday 4 March 2010 19:11

u 2 are hot were r u from

abels74 | 0

#917577 - Friday 5 March 2010 23:32

he's gay

By flyer_fan13 | 0

#914066 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:19

fourth bitch

Tripout | 0

#914099 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:24

WRONG bitch

xoxogrrrr93 | 0

#914216 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:07

lmao !

dan13mey | 0

#914298 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:54

Win Tripout.

Dwight_A_R_Manag | 0

#914808 - Thursday 4 March 2010 21:52

nope! don't people lock doors anymore. you deserve it for not using your brain

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#914835 - Thursday 4 March 2010 22:14

my room doesn't have a lock on the door...prob for that reason...

that's also probably why I don't have a comp in my room...or that im unable to send pictxts....hmmm

sum1savemeh | 0

#915085 - Friday 5 March 2010 0:35

I don't have a lock on my door either :( my parents won't let me have a cp in my room either

By PsychoMerk | 0

#914068 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:19

I wish I could fly :(

Tripout | 0

#914106 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:26

what

fisheatsbear | 6

#914127 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:33

this made me laugh :D

Fedor_is_KING | 0

#914159 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:45

Hahaha that's great.

17 the OP said the mom "flew" out of the room.

ElMetalero | 0

#914464 - Thursday 4 March 2010 19:43

lmao i could imagine her just flying out the window

By o0XMzMayX0o | 0

#914073 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:20

why are u having sex in ur house?maybe that's why you get "interupted".....

cantfightfate | 0

#914203 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:02

is she supposed to have sex outside? most people I know have sex in their house...most the time anyway :)

CallMeHush | 0

#914292 - Thursday 4 March 2010 17:51

Right you have sex in YOUR house, not mom

emmaa3451 | 11

#4119379 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:21

OP lives with their mom .. *facepalm*

By caralho_fml | 0

#914080 - Thursday 4 March 2010 16:21

as if u wouldn't keep goin wats the worst that can happened have sex n not finish it of ur mum knows who cares get the job done n enjoy urself atleast u can b happy about somethin