Intimacy: Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend...

By Dickhead - 25/11/2011 15:02 - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 502

You deserved it 62 139

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Grammar police alert

Run, run away pronto

By lesson.learned - 21/01/2013 21:39 - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 038

You deserved it 50 391

By Sick - 02/05/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176 745

You deserved it 27 174

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 105

You deserved it 49 493

By unwilling redneck - 24/05/2013 22:48 - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 407

You deserved it 4 572

By Yuuucky - 26/09/2011 16:58 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 561

You deserved it 17 080

By alanh69 - 26/08/2014 19:12 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 242

You deserved it 6 386

Wet dream

By Annettedarling - 21/04/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 923

You deserved it 489

By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 025

You deserved it 4 327

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 16:32 - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 601

You deserved it 11 727

By Anonymous - 23/02/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 791

You deserved it 42 254

By KornyKid - 21/02/2016 08:01 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 678

You deserved it 4 257

By ROBERT - 08/08/2013 18:52 - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 897

You deserved it 5 295

Freak out

By Lee - 05/07/2021 16:01 - United States

Today, my cat had a long dingleberry hanging off his butt. He decided the best way to get rid of it was to freak out and run around the house, shaking shit everywhere. To make it worse, he then licked his still shit covered butt, made a face and promptly threw up. Guess my cat isn’t the brightest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 16:30

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 837

By Lori - 04/11/2015 18:46 - United States - Littleton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 696

You deserved it 1 963

By Merlin - 17/04/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 584

You deserved it 2 318

By Sally - 24/08/2018 22:00

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 520

You deserved it 789

By single and not mingling - 04/06/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 4 009

By Justme - 30/06/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 045

You deserved it 1 463

By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 783

You deserved it 2 578

By achoo - 27/04/2009 12:52 - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 966

You deserved it 8 461

By lostintdot - 31/07/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 888

You deserved it 5 140

By wooed - 03/12/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 9 011

Bigger than...

By Jim - 26/11/2019 16:00 - Canada - Winfield

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 424

You deserved it 480

Not a biology major

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 253

By anonymous - 06/05/2015 13:36 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 603

You deserved it 3 228

By frustrated - 29/06/2011 12:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 619

You deserved it 2 735

By breakinphones - 20/02/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 619

You deserved it 81 589

By hard worker - 22/08/2016 01:03

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 232

You deserved it 1 604

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 529

You deserved it 3 859

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 09:21 - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 575

You deserved it 1 613

By crapedup - 10/10/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 971

You deserved it 3 060

By ZAS - 18/04/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 557

You deserved it 6 248

By Anonymous - 10/06/2018 01:30

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 191

You deserved it 307

By CorpDrone - 03/11/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 540

You deserved it 7 058

Cooked

By That Person - 14/09/2016 00:11 - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 231

You deserved it 12 041

Everyday racism

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 402

You deserved it 3 370

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 137

You deserved it 5 053

By Fitz - 05/05/2009 12:22 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184 584

You deserved it 14 228

By Gemma - 06/01/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 622

You deserved it 3 061

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Top comments

indistructo 3

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Friday 25 November 2011 18:59

you just got buuuuuuuuurrrrned! lol best joke ever

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:02

It'd be really cool if you could fit your whole body into that be completely casual while talking to your girlfriend

indistructo 3

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Friday 25 November 2011 18:59

you just got buuuuuuuuurrrrned! lol best joke ever

DrDilllonReese 12

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:01

Your girlfriend is funny. So funny I would say punny

blackheart24 10

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:09

Bahahaha that's fuckin hilarious. I love this joke.

LexiMariee16 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:14

I love your girlfriend OP!! YDI for acting like a dick in the first place, just be glad she didn't dump your butt!

Futacy 29

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:24

was it a used condom?

mstangchck 9

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:28

Awesome!

soccerguy2 11

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:59

Wear it to dinner with her parents when you do.

xoconnie 8

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:06

wellllll, what can i say... stop acting like a dick fool! come on. and thats really funny lol

jonan1212 5

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:51

You should be glad it fits you.

Feklfekl2222 32

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:52

5- Do you even know he meaning of the word punny? I really doubt you do......

DrDilllonReese 12

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Friday 25 November 2011 21:09

She made a play on the word dick by using both of it's meanings. A pun... Never question me again.

amoscore 5

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Friday 25 November 2011 21:33

I just saw this condom thing on twitter today.

Naitsi 19

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:34

so true :P

hcarp3812 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 3:16

What does OP mean? Just curious, & it's bothering me.

cr3ativity 15

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Monday 28 November 2011 3:16

Original poster

purplishzebraz 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:00

Well she has a point

markrs 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:20

Hahahahaa, your girlfriend is punny!

SirObvious 1

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Friday 25 November 2011 22:00

If you acted like a bitch would you dress as her? Jk

baconftw 9

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Friday 25 November 2011 22:11

Your girlfriend is very creative :D

crimsonlover4 31

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:00

At least she left it unused?

Fruit_Dealer 9

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:16

Its hard to use a condom as a girl when you're alone. Except when you have fruits at your disposal... Another great business opportunity.

TeamSynergy 1

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:49

She was implying that it was a goos thing his girlfriend did not cheat on him.

TeamSynergy 1

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:50

good*

a7xmetal47 0

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Friday 23 December 2011 9:36

He never see it was unused

nlm92 15

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Monday 23 June 2014 16:40

178 if it was used in pretty sure that would be in the fml too.

BigBacker 0

Friday 25 November 2011 19:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

LaughinStock 16

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:53

I highly doubt she is going to have sex with him, unless she's a real dumbass.

BigBacker 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 21:02

I was being facetious...

ikickgingers 15

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Friday 25 November 2011 22:20

If you need to explain you were being facetious - you aren't doing it right.

lex1459 38

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Saturday 26 November 2011 1:42

You sound like the biggest dick of all.

devonisthebest 7

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Friday 29 June 2012 21:51

Really

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:02

It'd be really cool if you could fit your whole body into that be completely casual while talking to your girlfriend

kings1fan 6

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Friday 25 November 2011 22:44

they actually make condom costumes haha

mnmolino 14

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:03

At least she buys condoms

jorrrk 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 5:05

Agreed cause all we need is another dick head on this planet

metallicshadow 16

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:04

sorry, but you just got owned

thebransan 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:04

Wear it proud

joee182 3

Friday 25 November 2011 19:05

she coulda been more creative instead of using some lame joke ha

clw1740 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:08

How is that not creative? Its quite humorous

purplishzebraz 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:16

What is more creative than that

punchline_fml 5

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Friday 25 November 2011 19:31

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

joee182 3

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:09

14:its just me ive heard it before its one of those jokes you laugh at the first time you hear it then after its not funny but thats just me

onecrazybitch 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 20:10

You could've been more creative instead of writing some lame comment.

Yanaa_fml 0

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Friday 25 November 2011 21:42

Well it's not creative, since she didn't come up with it on her own. I saw this on tumblr last month.

ikickgingers 15

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Friday 25 November 2011 22:23

Yes--because nobody reuses phrases they have seen before. Ahhahahaghddjisiii jajsjsjs. uehhfj Diegojdjbd disks sjsjsjsi sjsjsjsi shauaijendndj. ^^ I made that up. It's short in ikickgingers for stfu.

raphanne_fml 33

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Friday 25 November 2011 23:36

#10 Well, it's still more creative than what you wrote on your profile...

awesomeamandas 37

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Thursday 8 December 2016 0:25

84, how do you know she didn't actually think of this on her own? I say things all the time that I've never heard or read anywhere then come across the same thing at a later time. just because YOU saw it on tumblr doesn't mean she did.