Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him,...

By very analytical - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

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Work

Serious times

Great speech, thanks!

Basic Instinct

By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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By Shoes - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By Lukev7 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burnaby

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone interview with a company. Excited, I prepared for the interview and conducted extensive research on the company. The interview ended within a minute. They'd got the wrong person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By Busted - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

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By Jonnygiant - United States

Today, I was taking a shower after basketball practice. When I got out of the shower I thought no one was home so I thought it might be fun to walk around the house completely naked. I walk downstairs and my mom was eating dinner. Along with 20 other members of her bookclub. FML

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By lifesucks - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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By shellski - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

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By turnedintoinsomniac - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By pixiebubz - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

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By manutdlol - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who's a bit older than me, introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a toddler. Nope, she's a year older than me. FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By shroooms - Slovenia

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

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By "Lifefail887"

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

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By BenjiFurImmer

Today, I found out that when my uncle died, he left me and the rest of my family £2000 each. Only my parents kept and spent my share on themselves. FML

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By theslutmuncher - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By pissed off

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

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By :x - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

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By ravlol - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous

House rules

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

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By grenade - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

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By Can’t Cope

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By thatguythere858 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

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By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

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Top comments

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#6333337 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:32

Well, now all you can do is own it.
Don't have a stick up your ass about it.
Or do, I guess.

By ninjamadi | 16

#6333335 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:32

You kinda walked right into that one. sorry OP

COMMENTS

By ninjamadi | 16

#6333335 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:32

You kinda walked right into that one. sorry OP

allforfun | 23

#6333659 - Saturday 27 June 2015 17:44

Or sat on it

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#6333337 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:32

Well, now all you can do is own it.
Don't have a stick up your ass about it.
Or do, I guess.

Sinjar | 6

#6333453 - Saturday 27 June 2015 11:38

I just commented for the medal.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6333455 - Saturday 27 June 2015 11:49

But what is the medal for?

Gillett | 23

#6333729 - Saturday 27 June 2015 19:22

I don't think that's a stick homie!

By pikachurro | 18

#6333340 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:33

Prepare a costume, become a super villain and take revenge.

By thatonetribute | 31

#6333341 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:33

Dug your own grave there, OP. Sorry.

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6333342 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:34

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6333345 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:35

I think YDI for saying that in a work place.

By Wow_okayyy | 13

#6333348 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:35

You're just gonna have to take it ;D

Gillett | 23

#6333799 - Saturday 27 June 2015 20:01

I believe she already has.

By mzshannababy | 16

#6333349 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:35

that's a tight situation

Gillett | 23

#6333802 - Saturday 27 June 2015 20:02

Yeah "butt" i bet she enjoys those sit-uations!

By JJ_V3N0M | 19

#6333352 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:36

Don't worry OP. I'm sure your little mishap will fade away fast. Just laugh it off and carry on:)

By dakatabg | 31

#6333358 - Saturday 27 June 2015 8:37

They know your sex secret

Gillett | 23

#6333803 - Saturday 27 June 2015 20:03

and now they'll fantasize about her.