Miscellaneous: Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use... - FML

By chapstick - 09/01/2014 03:23 - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 838

You deserved it 13 647

Empathy lives

The one with the asshole friend

The virus claims another victim

By vomitingnow - 22/07/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I had a fight with my little sister. Later she apologized and made me dinner to make up for it. I thought it was pretty good until I found out that instead of using Parmesan cheese in the recipe, she used foot shavings from her Ped Egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 130

You deserved it 6 912

By Sam - 01/11/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 757

You deserved it 58 808

Preference

By Windstar - 07/04/2009 07:32 - Canada

Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 760

You deserved it 7 938

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 014

You deserved it 3 047

Get ready to rumble!

By Leyla - 14/07/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 289

You deserved it 34 246

By bruisedandconfused - 12/02/2019 12:25 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 186

You deserved it 10 757

By monkeyzz - 12/10/2012 11:11 - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 439

You deserved it 6 937

Be reasonable, people

By SailorVenus93 - 20/03/2020 06:00

Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 017

You deserved it 118

By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 954

You deserved it 9 001

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 14:13 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 567

You deserved it 1 570

By ugh - 21/04/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 959

You deserved it 30 796

By Anonymous - 04/01/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 669

You deserved it 2 037

By Kaluhaluha - 25/08/2018 13:00

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 561

You deserved it 214

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 415

You deserved it 75 086

By Kellie - 31/12/2010 09:55 - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 329

You deserved it 3 077

By Anonymous - 07/10/2018 12:00

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 4 251

By DirtyCharmed - 01/11/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 610

You deserved it 2 618

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 21:52 - United States - Lake Dallas

Spicy

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 473

You deserved it 53 089

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 06:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 808

You deserved it 8 022

Hot pixels

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 16:59

Spicy

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 529

By JFC - 17/07/2016 19:56

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 027

You deserved it 998

By FuglyBetty - 24/02/2016 22:48 - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 987

You deserved it 1 703

Nice try

By Anonymous - 02/11/2020 13:59

Today, after spending days writing up an offer for a condo so my boyfriend and I could move in together with our 9-month-old, we found out they accepted a different offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 278

By zoearcu - 17/04/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 829

You deserved it 3 510

By WHOO HOO AIDS - 01/06/2013 18:52 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 561

You deserved it 3 713

By Becca - 31/01/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months asked me to spend the night at his apartment for the first time. I had to poop really bad when I got there, so I used his only bathroom. He went after me, and came out a few seconds later, gagging. Apparently, I clogged his toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 997

You deserved it 7 003

By sallymay - 08/02/2018 13:00 - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 527

You deserved it 1 530

By VedaLynn - 03/12/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, it's my 21st birthday and my dad has decided to take away my ID in fear that if I have even one drink to celebrate I'll become a raging alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 2 672

By maggu - 11/02/2013 04:26 - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 124

You deserved it 7 384

By waymoreiwanted - 15/02/2014 03:21 - United States - Ashland

Spicy

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 830

You deserved it 9 586

By klsdhjla - 15/02/2010 01:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 163

You deserved it 5 577

By Diogo Filipe de Almeida - 29/07/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 008

You deserved it 2 772

By Kreen - 02/02/2012 08:10 - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 032

You deserved it 44 428

By showerstupid - 04/04/2009 08:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 336

You deserved it 44 637

By Anonymous - 15/08/2018 20:30

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 704

You deserved it 418

Doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 21:30

Today, someone let my puppy escape. I didn't know, until I arrived home and hit him with my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 84

By Can you say "bandwagon"? - 03/10/2012 21:33 - United States

Today, my neighbors discovered Gangnam Style. Ever since I moved in, they've had an obsession with getting wasted by noon and blasting out shitty music all through the evening. I could just about deal with their dubstep fixation before, but now I just want to blow my own head off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 342

You deserved it 4 678

Wakey wakey

By zzzzzz - 30/01/2021 07:59

Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 01:30

Today, I actually slipped on a banana peel, cartoon-style, breaking my kneecap and dislocating my hip. I will never hear the end of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 041

You deserved it 339

By BetterThanChocolate - 20/04/2014 23:24 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 100

You deserved it 5 583

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:39

Bet you looked beautiful :-D

blackonblight 32

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:40

Hey, if David Bowie can rock glitter lips, why not you? Just channel your inner goblin king.

Comments

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:39

Bet you looked beautiful :-D

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:59

Yes, like a well known vampire.

DKjazz 20

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:12

Who? Nosferatu? Dracula? Blacula?

VeganVampyre 26

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:19

Dracula's daughter, obviously

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:19

Those guys are awesome. We wouldn't call them beautiful or sparkly. Just keeping thinking. I'm almost certain it will come to you.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 15:51

classic case of dude looks like a lady

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Thursday 9 January 2014 17:54

shemale ？ Sissy boy ？

Thunderstruck14 30

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Thursday 9 January 2014 18:16

There is no need to question someone's gender just because of some lipgloss. Seriously, that makes no sense at all. Guys are all different, there's short ones, tall ones, ones with long hair, some who dress kind of girly, but that's just who they are on the outside, how they like to express themselves.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 20:09

Yea right #56. I guess tinker bell lips over here shouldn't worry huh

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:51

I'll bet the other "inmates" said that you have a pretty mouth.

TheWildRover1 12

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Friday 10 January 2014 2:24

The efforts of some people to be politically correct are hilarious! I'm all for marriage equality and all that, but cmon there is nothing wrong with calling a guy princess for having sparkly lips! Edit: this hasn't come out in my usually, immaculately articulate way.... but you's know what im on about.

Thursday 9 January 2014 13:40

haha, soumds like u need better friends. this fml made my day

drshn 22

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:39

sounds like you need some friends yourself.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:05

It's not his friends false is was lip gloss.

Jjan04 14

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Friday 10 January 2014 3:38

#87, Stay in school kid.

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Friday 10 January 2014 5:50

Maybe his friend is a girl...

blackonblight 32

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:40

Hey, if David Bowie can rock glitter lips, why not you? Just channel your inner goblin king.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:11

"Dance magic dance."

blackonblight 32

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:15

You remind me of the babe.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 16:05

What babe?

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Thursday 9 January 2014 17:25

Babe Ruth?

cmayer 20

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Thursday 9 January 2014 17:45

No. The babe with the power.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 19:33

What power?

Llama_Face89 33

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Thursday 9 January 2014 21:51

The power of voodoo

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Thursday 9 January 2014 22:40

Who do?

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Thursday 9 January 2014 22:51

What vodoo?

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:52

Or VD

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Friday 10 January 2014 2:31

You do

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 10 January 2014 5:13

Do what?

blackonblight 32

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Friday 10 January 2014 5:19

Remind me of the babe!

lovethenumber13 14

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 6:56

Babe the pig, duh! Everyone knows that pigs are magical creatures worthy of our worship and human sacrifices! Beware! You have proven incompetence by not knowing of such godliness! You shall now suffer the agony of a thousand frying pans for the rest of all eternity!

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:41

Look before you balm

MissleDusting 7

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Thursday 9 January 2014 17:51

Did you make that up?

184886837272837 32

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:41

Rub it all over you so you look like Edward on a sunny day.

Sniper_Chick4110 20

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Friday 10 January 2014 13:17

TWILIGHT!!! Get more glitter and you can pick up younger chicks.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:41

at least it wasn't glitter glue

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Thursday 9 January 2014 14:06

That should never be the silver lining of a situation...

PoofTopComment 4

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:44

I'm sure that they were just envious of your majesty...

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:49

Im sure that they were secretly envying your fashion statement

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:50

Well at least it wasn't Fevistick instead..

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Thursday 9 January 2014 13:50

Lol looks like you were at the strip club. I do like the chap stick cover story though

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 137

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 303