Love: Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer...

By BornToBeABurden - 09/01/2014 16:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 578

You deserved it 5 668

Love

This Charming Man

BO Central

You tried

Where did you guys come from?

By Brad - 04/07/2021 21:59 - United States

Today, I woke up to find two pitbulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 58

By anonymous - 30/07/2014 02:36 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was at the beach with a group of friends, including the guy I like. As soon as we got to the beach, I ran toward the water and he chased after me. It was a beautiful moment until I looked back at him, tripped, fell on my face and slid down the beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 944

You deserved it 7 448

Oh, hello

By kikuhime - 17/01/2021 02:01

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 883

You deserved it 89

By Owww - 10/07/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 612

You deserved it 409

By Gary - 16/07/2019 20:30

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 246

Make believe

By somebodyelse - 17/08/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, then he said, "Let's pretend you're someone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 728

You deserved it 5 484

Crowded House

By crowded - 20/05/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 061

You deserved it 297

By Disappointed Teacher - 10/12/2013 21:32 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I taught a college course with a group of 30 adults. I was educating them on leadership and gave a 25 minute lecture, with examples like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, and how they changed the world. Then I opened the forum to see who inspired them. The response? Donald Trump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 830

You deserved it 4 810

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 201

You deserved it 20 322

By UnderConstruction - 04/05/2012 14:34 - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 357

You deserved it 4 260

By Noname - 14/03/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 407

You deserved it 212 760

By MikeA - 09/06/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 443

You deserved it 2 070

By Moanie - 15/03/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 225

You deserved it 29 453

A dealer of both drugs and hugs

By fallingforfakenamesandmindgames - 27/07/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 640

You deserved it 477

By sigh - 21/12/2011 12:39 - United States

Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 035

You deserved it 3 094

By MrRadin - 04/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 310

You deserved it 2 331

By Skyler - 24/04/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 188

You deserved it 14 282

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 881

You deserved it 7 176

By BohGlam - 01/12/2016 20:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 138

You deserved it 622

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 525

You deserved it 6 626

By 20 - 31/12/2009 00:28 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 994

You deserved it 3 094

By EyesofStone - 01/06/2016 01:03 - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 106

You deserved it 1 574

Lee Trevi-not

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 12:07

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 1 395

By Anonymous - 19/07/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 80 763

By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - 11/03/2014 13:01 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 316

You deserved it 10 709

By Jake - 02/10/2012 11:52 - United States - Athens

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 465

You deserved it 2 776

By Anonymous - 01/06/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 138

You deserved it 4 747

By FattyMcFatFace - 24/05/2019 22:00

Today, I overheard the popular kids say that they were planning on going to the local fast food restaurant to take pictures of the obese people that go there. Not only do I work there, but my family and I were planning on having dinner there tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 316

By grandma - 08/02/2014 15:12 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 713

You deserved it 7 189

Open-minded

By plaid_is_cool - 05/05/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 362

You deserved it 990

By Ben - 18/06/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 677

You deserved it 7 081

By ReComatosed242 - 09/03/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 906

You deserved it 1 387

By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 628

You deserved it 46 102

Social science

By Josh - 16/07/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 132

You deserved it 2 601

Creepy

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 01:08 - United States - Irving

Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 74

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 04/04/2021 17:00 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I told my dad I’m applying for a big pageant and I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m chosen to compete. I told him that there's a registration fee and a sponsorship fee. I then said that I might not be picked, but he assured me that I would… because they want the money from the fees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 244

By angrymother - 27/07/2016 01:21

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 662

You deserved it 1 700

By AintEasyBeinWheezy - 28/04/2016 18:26 - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 245

You deserved it 1 020

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Top comments

drewflav 17

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:36

What's with the string of nasty parents we've been getting? If you don't want kids, don't have them!

buckeyed 20

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:33

Sorry OP. Maybe she stopped for her pregnancy and craved it immediately after. Or is lamenting the way her body changed.

buckeyed 20

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:33

Sorry OP. Maybe she stopped for her pregnancy and craved it immediately after. Or is lamenting the way her body changed.

WhoWhat_fml 10

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:45

Taking care of children can be stressful. She is probably smoking to cope with stress and anxiety. Still, that isn't very nice of her to say that.

buckeyed 20

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:51

Very true. I'm just hoping she was joking. It's unfair to blame your children for that stuff, anyway.

TheWildRover1 12

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Friday 10 January 2014 2:32

Or, hold it this is big one! or... maybe... The mother has a sense of humour and was joking? I know that that's a difficult one to accept but just think about it for a second!

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Friday 10 January 2014 8:31

That almost sounded like something simon would say.

sunnyray812 42

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:36

What a lovely mother.

JMichael 25

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Friday 10 January 2014 0:37

I wish she was my mom

Sports_guy3 28

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Friday 10 January 2014 2:32

So you want a mother who smokes? What the fuck is wrong with you?!

smokecloud_ 37

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Friday 10 January 2014 6:12

Because a mother who smokes is the WORST kind. :O

abnormalbird 11

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Sunday 12 January 2014 5:39

39 was one of those people who weren't dropped on their heads but was whacked with a macce when they were born.

drewflav 17

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:36

What's with the string of nasty parents we've been getting? If you don't want kids, don't have them!

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Friday 10 January 2014 1:05

I'm actually pretty sure OP's mom was joking.

speakersboom 19

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Friday 10 January 2014 1:47

jokes are funny. what she said wasn't. It was just fucked up.

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Friday 10 January 2014 3:55

...I found it funny.

jakeysmom 12

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Friday 10 January 2014 5:27

I agree. If you don't want a child, use birth control. Don't fuck them up for life by giving them bad self esteem.

DanielleinDC 32

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Friday 10 January 2014 16:28

Societal pressure, duh. Or people have kids for all the wrong reasons and only when it's too late realize they aren't cut out to be a parent. I'm glad I realized that early on and never spawned.

masterofnight 9

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:36

Did you say eat?

AmexBlack 24

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Friday 10 January 2014 6:40

No she wrote 'eat'.

masterofnight 9

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Friday 10 January 2014 23:39

Then why are other people saying "Sorry to hear that"? They didn't hear it, they read it. Unless the read aloud of course.

puggypark 14

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:37

Jesus, sorry to hear that

Welshite 39

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:38

Amen.

Mynamewontfi 40

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Thursday 9 January 2014 23:38

What a bitchy thing to say. I don't understand why parents have to be so mean to their child.

AmexBlack 24

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Friday 10 January 2014 6:44

I reckon some people become parents, not realising entirely how much of a huge commitment being a parent is - physically, emotionally and financially... and then they become kind of resentful towards their children. I'm not excusing OPs mum for what she said, just trying to shed light on it.