Health: Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was...

By The Cat Tickler

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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Health

Understandable

And today, on Dr Phil…

Sensitive

By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By sproket

Today, the maintenance man 'fixed' a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

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By myl1f3isfuct - United States

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

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By just die already - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By facepalm

Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML

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By Eric John Los - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

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By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By ieatoreos

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

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By amber - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

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By "Gvinson36"

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

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By Not Gay - United States - Williamston

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

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By poor girl - 27/6/2020 05:03

Chill out, Mom

Today, my mom came over for dinner. She lost her mind, screaming and yelling, because my oven melted the dollar store cooking dish that she insisted on using. Never mind the fact I’m going to have to pay a couple hundred, if not a thousand dollars for a new stove. Oh no, she’s out a whole buck. FML

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By sydneyp3435 - United States - Boerne

Today, I started my job at a kids summer camp. The first little girl to arrive told me to close my eyes and open my hand because she had a "surprise" for me. Yep, a dead, decomposed sparrow covered in all sorts of bugs sure is a surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

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By ColdFoot - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By be_nj - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I had a male customer come up to me and ask me what hours I worked today, like he has done for several weeks now. Immediately after, my manager calls my lane to tell me to watch out for that guy. He has been stalking a co-worker of mine. Apparently, I'm next. FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By -insert clever nickname here- - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

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By Shivvy - United Kingdom

Today, I came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday. Turns out they didn't forget, they just couldn't be bothered to do anything for it. FML

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By Tired

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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By Renée

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

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By herpderp - United States

Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML

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By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - New Zealand

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By stoggie96 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By peachezthelette - 27/12/2020 19:58

Itchy butt

Today, while at work, I had to explain over the phone to my 33-year-old boyfriend how to use Preparation H. FML

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By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00 - United States

Broke

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

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Top comments

By EILIABNMAD | 7

#7692663 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:12

Did you finish your conversation at least?

By chyiochan | 31

#7692661 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:05

Ah yes, one of those secret Fresh Breath life hacks!

COMMENTS

By chyiochan | 31

#7692661 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:05

Ah yes, one of those secret Fresh Breath life hacks!

By EILIABNMAD | 7

#7692663 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:12

Did you finish your conversation at least?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7692704 - Thursday 13 September 2018 16:54

That’s the pits!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7692714 - Thursday 13 September 2018 17:07

That reminds me of the time I almost put my lemon gel toothpaste on my face instead of my face cleanser one morning in college.

By Zekfen | 17

#7692717 - Thursday 13 September 2018 17:11

At least you won’t have to worry about upper lip sweat!

How has everybody passed over the fact that she was talking to herself? Or is this a normal thing people do?