Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was...

By The Cat Tickler - 13/9/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Fashion Police

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:58 - United States

Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - 21/5/2009 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By XxOx - 4/2/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 02:06 - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By huulo - 16/11/2010 10:07

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

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By storyofmylife - 15/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By ip7 - 31/3/2015 19:24 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By Nancy - 8/7/2009 14:01

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By themuffinman - 27/12/2011 15:15 - Japan

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 02:07 - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2016 04:13 - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 19:22 - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By disappointment son - 19/5/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

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By brittaneejanex - 2/6/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By Dariya - 13/2/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 05:24 - United States

Exposure

Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML

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By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By anoymus - 31/5/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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By Annakins - 6/6/2010 18:31 - United States

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

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By kelly - 21/3/2011 07:07 - Estonia

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

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By Lilo4life - 6/8/2015 15:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By lonelyheart4ever - 13/8/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 19:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

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By Badabim - 30/4/2018 20:30

Today, 5 minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 08:00

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By natalieeee - 18/3/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By Wititipwitpwit - 21/1/2009 10:03 - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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By CancerFdMyLife - 26/9/2013 13:50 - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML

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By phonemenace - 17/8/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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By captainlame - 21/3/2013 05:59 - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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Top comments

By EILIABNMAD | 7

#7692663 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:12

Did you finish your conversation at least?

By chyiochan | 30

#7692661 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:05

Ah yes, one of those secret Fresh Breath life hacks!

COMMENTS

By chyiochan | 30

#7692661 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:05

Ah yes, one of those secret Fresh Breath life hacks!

By EILIABNMAD | 7

#7692663 - Thursday 13 September 2018 15:12

Did you finish your conversation at least?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7692704 - Thursday 13 September 2018 16:54

That’s the pits!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7692714 - Thursday 13 September 2018 17:07

That reminds me of the time I almost put my lemon gel toothpaste on my face instead of my face cleanser one morning in college.

By Zekfen | 17

#7692717 - Thursday 13 September 2018 17:11

At least you won’t have to worry about upper lip sweat!

How has everybody passed over the fact that she was talking to herself? Or is this a normal thing people do?