Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had...

By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Out of it

Instadrama

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By Mutton - 8/3/2021 17:01

Too passionate for me

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

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By Hireme

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By WTF - Poland - Wroclaw

Today, I was driving to work and stopped at a stop light. A full 2 or 3 seconds passed, followed by a car rear-ending me. The idiot driving it got out and gave me hell, calling me a maniac because I braked "too quickly" and didn't give him a chance to react. FML

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By BeboKhaos - United States

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

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By _Asykes_

Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

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By rosesareyellow - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

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By icefly - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

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By fuckmyparents

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

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By itsme

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By caesarinozeppeli

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By bride - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

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By Emily - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Autocorrected - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

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By marriedtoatool - Australia - Sydney

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By an adorable devil - United States - Houston

Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Bad timing

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

No data for you

Today, I got my first Android phone. Being aware that they are somewhat inclined to collecting data about you, I was still surprised when I had to tell the eBay app, of all things, that it wasn't allowed to know how much I exercise. FML

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By spideypowers - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

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By elite

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Random - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

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Favorite child

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By theseguysarewhipped... - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By welcometothefamily - United States

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

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Top comments

By grapisy | 8

#2952614 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

By BaconDave | 12

#2952700 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:25

Doesn't matter have sex

COMMENTS

By FUUUandyourmom | 16

#2952600 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

What a wonderful girlfriend you've got there!

friscoed | 0

#2952666 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:23

Well atleast shes enviornmentally friendly by using paper instead of plastic.. =]

JangiJangiJangi | 0

#2952785 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:30

why did op just take it off his head ? stupid. ydi

JangiJangiJangi | 0

#2952814 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

I mean why DIDN'T he take it off. typo

smurfsarwales | 9

#2952980 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:50

can you finish if you're unconscious?

ismellrealbad | 0

#2953061 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:00

bird is the word

nixter5 | 18

#2953487 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:59

BEST 3 minutes of ya life!!

iluvboobies | 9

#2953656 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:27

30

He was obviously handcuffed to the bed posts.

wolflover44 | 5

#2953763 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:48

That's some kinky stuff right there! I know how to make handcuffs out of a teeshirt... :D lol.

THEmuffinpan | 0

#2954005 - Friday 22 July 2011 22:48

No you know how to tie someones wrists with a T-shirt.

kcutie | 0

#2954488 - Saturday 23 July 2011 0:19

unless OP has a history of hyperventilating.. then. understand. otherwise his gf is stupid and conceited as hell

Tektite | 14

#2955641 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:11

Maybe she was planning on suffocating you ;).. You rich?

FurryPride | 9

#2957311 - Saturday 23 July 2011 8:46

That's some kinky stuff the 160. (sarcasm)

StopDropNRoll | 11

#2964823 - Sunday 24 July 2011 15:27

I don't know how using paper is environmentally friendly. last time I checked paper came from trees....

roobear | 2

#2970028 - Monday 25 July 2011 7:15

We can plant new trees; we cannot plant new oil. Not in the same context, anyway.

maz_irken | 6

#2977722 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 6:18

Yep. I'm sure THAT's why she put a bag over your head!

Kitouran | 30

#6518928 - Monday 25 January 2016 0:15

Last time I checked, plastic isn't biodegradable.

By sephoraprincess | 7

#2952606 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

haha.

howslife123 | 0

#2952799 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

HAHA!

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#2952912 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:41

HAHAHA!!!

Garyy_fml | 11

#2952969 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:46

HAHAHA... wait, thats stupid.

TheRealHouse | 7

#2954210 - Friday 22 July 2011 23:28

Moohawhaw!!

By XxXHaCkErXxX | 0

#2952610 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

wow...you uh might wanna look in the mirror and see what she's talking about, 'cause it obviously can't be the reason she gave you.

daisyloo | 7

#2953327 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:37

Sneaky haha!

howslife123 | 0

#2954678 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:04

she has pretty high self esteem for someone who has to make sure guys don't see her naked :$

WishResign | 0

#2954847 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:54

228, is that truly what you got out of it? she thinks her bf is ugly or makes ugly faces in bed.

howslife123 | 0

#2955073 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:36

yes it is! because it says the girlfriend says she's really good in bed!! so.. yeah

By grapisy | 8

#2952614 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#2952881 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:38

i wonder if he finished before he fainted

BaconDave | 12

#2952922 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:42

I know have that sing stuck in my head. It's family day.

BaconDave | 12

#2952943 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:44

I meant song. Me and my phone are going to have a very stern talk about this.

spazmattic | 0

#2953224 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:23

I think she might have been a racist

Saltime | 0

#2953288 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:32

91, Doesn't matter, have sex.

TripleD76 | 1

#2953663 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:28

But I cried the whole time!

Zestyschmidty | 4

#2953799 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:54

Lol the lonely old island

Saltime | 0

#2954002 - Friday 22 July 2011 22:47

163, No. Bob Marley.

austin10mink | 0

#2954231 - Friday 22 July 2011 23:31

doesn't matter had sex

masterass333 | 0

#2955355 - Saturday 23 July 2011 4:01

beat me to it

opeagles | 0

#2955423 - Saturday 23 July 2011 4:21

lonelyiand and akon!!! love itt lol

BShady96 | 0

#2955613 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:07

she mightve been a racist

grapisy | 8

#2956574 - Saturday 23 July 2011 6:54

262- if you love it so much why don't you know the name of the band? I will now be google.
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