Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had...

By quickfingers100 - 22/7/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Tense

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By CatBlock - 31/1/2014 06:16 - United States - Decatur

Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cock blocked me. FML

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By fecurtis - 22/1/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I thought it'd be cool and trendy to buy a Blackberry Storm. FML

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By happybidet - 31/10/2016 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 04:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

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By Recon - 17/3/2009 12:16 - Switzerland

Today, I had gone to the store and bought a new wallet. 5 minutes later a security guard asks for my receipt. Turns out I had dropped my receipt. Some guy had picked it up and pretended I had stole his wallet. The guard confiscated my wallet because the guy had "his" receipt to prove it. FML

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By TheSickness - 28/5/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, the girl that I fancy was sick and I offered to hug her, but she protested saying that she didn't want to get me sick. I told her, "If hugging you gets me sick, then I'll just have to deal with being sick." She gave me the biggest hug she could. I haven't stopped puking since. FML

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By failatboys - 14/6/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

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By badhairday - 21/2/2018 01:30

Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, "just trim the dead ends" and "give me an afro" mean the same thing to a barber. FML

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By fartmaster - 22/4/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Modern romance...

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

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By disturbed2103 - 9/7/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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By xpxp2002 - 27/5/2009 09:48 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By Jack - 8/7/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By ptiluinthesky - 24/11/2008 02:56 - France

Today, my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. FML

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By Bouh - 27/12/2012 04:04 - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

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By baffleduncle - 27/7/2019 20:00 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

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By Quackers - 11/4/2012 15:39 - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

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By lizi - 21/8/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By noname - 17/2/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By TrainedBF - 12/9/2009 12:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Gayer men’s team - 2/11/2017 04:00

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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By Punphmelch - 26/3/2014 08:45 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 17:54 - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

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By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By wished i had a cat - 19/10/2018 17:30

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

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By StUbbY - 9/7/2009 14:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

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By Toolmaker - 23/8/2018 15:00

Today, we got the bill from our lawyer. She'd recommended taking my common-law wife's ex-husband to court for child support, so we went to court and won. The judge awarded us over $8300! The bill came to $18,000. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By Dan - 8/10/2009 16:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By EpicFail - 25/1/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I got a text message saying "I'm sorry, I know it's our 4 month anniversary but it's not working out, I need to break up with you" followed by her complaining that I never call her as well. WTF? I haven't had a girlfriend for 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

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By Webmonkey - 8/1/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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By theguy24 - 27/1/2009 12:47 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By scubai - 14/1/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

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By SMRT - 22/10/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

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Top comments

By grapisy | 8

#2952614 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

By BaconDave | 12

#2952700 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:25

Doesn't matter have sex

COMMENTS

By FUUUandyourmom | 16

#2952600 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

What a wonderful girlfriend you've got there!

friscoed | 0

#2952666 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:23

Well atleast shes enviornmentally friendly by using paper instead of plastic.. =]

JangiJangiJangi | 0

#2952785 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:30

why did op just take it off his head ? stupid. ydi

JangiJangiJangi | 0

#2952814 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

I mean why DIDN'T he take it off. typo

smurfsarwales | 9

#2952980 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:50

can you finish if you're unconscious?

ismellrealbad | 0

#2953061 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:00

bird is the word

nixter5 | 18

#2953487 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:59

BEST 3 minutes of ya life!!

iluvboobies | 9

#2953656 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:27

30

He was obviously handcuffed to the bed posts.

wolflover44 | 5

#2953763 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:48

That's some kinky stuff right there! I know how to make handcuffs out of a teeshirt... :D lol.

THEmuffinpan | 0

#2954005 - Friday 22 July 2011 22:48

No you know how to tie someones wrists with a T-shirt.

kcutie | 0

#2954488 - Saturday 23 July 2011 0:19

unless OP has a history of hyperventilating.. then. understand. otherwise his gf is stupid and conceited as hell

Tektite | 14

#2955641 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:11

Maybe she was planning on suffocating you ;).. You rich?

FurryPride | 9

#2957311 - Saturday 23 July 2011 8:46

That's some kinky stuff the 160. (sarcasm)

StopDropNRoll | 11

#2964823 - Sunday 24 July 2011 15:27

I don't know how using paper is environmentally friendly. last time I checked paper came from trees....

roobear | 2

#2970028 - Monday 25 July 2011 7:15

We can plant new trees; we cannot plant new oil. Not in the same context, anyway.

maz_irken | 6

#2977722 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 6:18

Yep. I'm sure THAT's why she put a bag over your head!

Kitouran | 30

#6518928 - Monday 25 January 2016 0:15

Last time I checked, plastic isn't biodegradable.

By sephoraprincess | 7

#2952606 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

haha.

howslife123 | 0

#2952799 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

HAHA!

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#2952912 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:41

HAHAHA!!!

Garyy_fml | 11

#2952969 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:46

HAHAHA... wait, thats stupid.

TheRealHouse | 7

#2954210 - Friday 22 July 2011 23:28

Moohawhaw!!

By XxXHaCkErXxX | 0

#2952610 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

wow...you uh might wanna look in the mirror and see what she's talking about, 'cause it obviously can't be the reason she gave you.

daisyloo | 7

#2953327 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:37

Sneaky haha!

howslife123 | 0

#2954678 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:04

she has pretty high self esteem for someone who has to make sure guys don't see her naked :$

WishResign | 0

#2954847 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:54

228, is that truly what you got out of it? she thinks her bf is ugly or makes ugly faces in bed.

howslife123 | 0

#2955073 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:36

yes it is! because it says the girlfriend says she's really good in bed!! so.. yeah

By grapisy | 8

#2952614 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#2952881 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:38

i wonder if he finished before he fainted

BaconDave | 12

#2952922 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:42

I know have that sing stuck in my head. It's family day.

BaconDave | 12

#2952943 - Friday 22 July 2011 19:44

I meant song. Me and my phone are going to have a very stern talk about this.

spazmattic | 0

#2953224 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:23

I think she might have been a racist

Saltime | 0

#2953288 - Friday 22 July 2011 20:32

91, Doesn't matter, have sex.

TripleD76 | 1

#2953663 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:28

But I cried the whole time!

Zestyschmidty | 4

#2953799 - Friday 22 July 2011 21:54

Lol the lonely old island

Saltime | 0

#2954002 - Friday 22 July 2011 22:47

163, No. Bob Marley.

austin10mink | 0

#2954231 - Friday 22 July 2011 23:31

doesn't matter had sex

masterass333 | 0

#2955355 - Saturday 23 July 2011 4:01

beat me to it

opeagles | 0

#2955423 - Saturday 23 July 2011 4:21

lonelyiand and akon!!! love itt lol

BShady96 | 0

#2955613 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:07

she mightve been a racist

grapisy | 8

#2956574 - Saturday 23 July 2011 6:54

262- if you love it so much why don't you know the name of the band? I will now be google.
Did you mean lonely island? Make comments instead about Lonely island.