Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had... - FML

By quickfingers100 - 22/07/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 771

You deserved it 10 676

Dementia or hate? You decide

Good kid

Triage

By Anonymous - 07/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 222

You deserved it 1 220

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 01:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 411

You deserved it 2 523

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 10:51 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 2 322

By King_of_hearts - 04/04/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 575

You deserved it 4 815

By Anonymous - 25/03/2009 04:48 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 586

You deserved it 81 173

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 09:21 - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 769

You deserved it 4 512

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 18:50 - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 757

You deserved it 3 436

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 15:32 - United States - Wexford

Today, my aunt informed me that my dad thinks my boyfriend is a loser deadbeat because he hasn't proposed to me after two years of dating and co-habitation. He hasn't asked because I already made it very clear I have no interest in marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 285

You deserved it 4 831

By greenroses92 - 19/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 108

By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Spicy

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 772

You deserved it 8 365

By PlayboyBunny - 19/02/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 503

You deserved it 8 616

By anon - 01/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 952

You deserved it 2 992

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 882

You deserved it 9 132

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 701

You deserved it 6 441

By Anonymous - 25/05/2013 22:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 463

You deserved it 4 857

WTF mom?

By whowhat - 11/07/2013 06:26 - United States

Today, I came home at 1 am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 561

You deserved it 4 019

By PaePae - 14/06/2019 21:31 - United States - Columbia

Spicy

Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 143

TMI

By ew. - 17/08/2010 04:28 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 169

You deserved it 4 840

By healthfoodshmealthfood - 17/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health-foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 867

You deserved it 3 658

Smart kid

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 21:59

Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 92

By Brittany - 03/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 387

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 23:43 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my self-esteem hit rock bottom when I was intimidated by a 10-year-old. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 699

You deserved it 6 737

Brotherly love

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother having sex with the girl from next door, whom I’ve been in love with for years, but alas she isn’t a lesbian. She’s entitled to date whoever she likes, but my brother knows how I feel about her and seduced her anyway in our shared flat, which was a real douche move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 329

By full bladder - 28/04/2015 22:39 - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 868

You deserved it 2 346

Pushover

By Anonymous - 04/09/2020 14:05

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 184

By Parental - 22/01/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 923

You deserved it 5 624

By Renter - 24/03/2011 14:54 - United States

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 608

You deserved it 2 753

Contagion

By breejanai - 11/04/2017 04:00

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chickenpox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 595

You deserved it 291

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry it gets better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 362

You deserved it 2 981

Bass Pro Shop

By superfreak6 - 20/05/2016 13:25 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 819

You deserved it 1 937

By Anonymous - 20/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 406

You deserved it 372

By Ahlph - 20/05/2011 04:43

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 092

You deserved it 28 115

By eeeee - 14/06/2012 20:40 - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 341

You deserved it 2 690

By >_< - 30/08/2013 22:56 - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 503

You deserved it 6 302

Pills, thrills and bellyaches

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 20:00

Today, I came home from surgery to remove my tonsils. It's a much better surgery to have as a kid, because when you get older it's much more painful. I didn't know my mom liked pain killers. I do now, because I have none left and I haven't even taken any yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 28/02/2012 02:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 555

You deserved it 2 633

By Authentik8 - 16/09/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 2 217

By LoveDrug - 17/02/2010 10:49 - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 684

You deserved it 2 829

Dealbreaker

By banarama - 05/02/2021 07:54

Today, I found out that the person I'm seeing is a terrible kisser. I really like them, but it's awful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 168

By QuietGirlSucks - 30/08/2016 15:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 679

You deserved it 4 669

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Top comments

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:25

Doesn't matter have sex

Comments

FUUUandyourmom 16

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

What a wonderful girlfriend you've got there!

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:23

Well atleast shes enviornmentally friendly by using paper instead of plastic.. =]

JangiJangiJangi 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:30

why did op just take it off his head ? stupid. ydi

JangiJangiJangi 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

I mean why DIDN'T he take it off. typo

smurfsarwales 9

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:50

can you finish if you're unconscious?

ismellrealbad 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:00

bird is the word

nixter5 18

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:59

BEST 3 minutes of ya life!!

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Friday 22 July 2011 21:27

30 He was obviously handcuffed to the bed posts.

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Friday 22 July 2011 21:48

That's some kinky stuff right there! I know how to make handcuffs out of a teeshirt... :D lol.

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Friday 22 July 2011 22:48

No you know how to tie someones wrists with a T-shirt.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 0:19

unless OP has a history of hyperventilating.. then. understand. otherwise his gf is stupid and conceited as hell

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:11

Maybe she was planning on suffocating you ;).. You rich?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:46

That's some kinky stuff the 160. (sarcasm)

StopDropNRoll 11

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:27

I don't know how using paper is environmentally friendly. last time I checked paper came from trees....

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Monday 25 July 2011 7:15

We can plant new trees; we cannot plant new oil. Not in the same context, anyway.

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 6:18

Yep. I'm sure THAT's why she put a bag over your head!

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Monday 25 January 2016 0:15

Last time I checked, plastic isn't biodegradable.

sephoraprincess 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

haha.

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

HAHA!

hoodasswhitekid 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:41

HAHAHA!!!

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:46

HAHAHA... wait, thats stupid.

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Friday 22 July 2011 23:28

Moohawhaw!!

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

wow...you uh might wanna look in the mirror and see what she's talking about, 'cause it obviously can't be the reason she gave you.

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:37

Sneaky haha!

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Saturday 23 July 2011 1:04

she has pretty high self esteem for someone who has to make sure guys don't see her naked :$

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Saturday 23 July 2011 1:54

228, is that truly what you got out of it? she thinks her bf is ugly or makes ugly faces in bed.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 2:36

yes it is! because it says the girlfriend says she's really good in bed!! so.. yeah

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:20

Still counts.

hoodasswhitekid 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:38

i wonder if he finished before he fainted

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:42

I know have that sing stuck in my head. It's family day.

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:44

I meant song. Me and my phone are going to have a very stern talk about this.

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:23

I think she might have been a racist

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:32

91, Doesn't matter, have sex.

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Friday 22 July 2011 21:28

But I cried the whole time!

Zestyschmidty 4

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Friday 22 July 2011 21:54

Lol the lonely old island

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Friday 22 July 2011 22:47

163, No. Bob Marley.

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Friday 22 July 2011 23:31

doesn't matter had sex

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Saturday 23 July 2011 4:01

beat me to it

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Saturday 23 July 2011 4:21

lonelyiand and akon!!! love itt lol

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:07

she mightve been a racist

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:54

262- if you love it so much why don't you know the name of the band? I will now be google. Did you mean lonely island? Make comments instead about Lonely island.

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:21

But why would you leave it over your head? I say you deserve it. :P

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:43

I agree sorry but who is dumb enough to allow the bag over your head in the first place???

ismellrealbad 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 21:12

I am!!!!

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Sunday 24 July 2011 0:05

54- a guy who wants a nut.

androiddestroya 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:21

she seriously thought that would help??

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:21

She's a keeper.

Friaza 29

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:21

Paper bag > All

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Saturday 23 July 2011 0:15

what...?

xXxXxMasonxXxXx 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:21

dump her, or next time tell her to poke a hole for ur mouth, nose, and eyes if ur into that kinda stuff >_>

sonangedemusique 2

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:36

your picture!!!! Is that from the Tim Burton exhibit at the MoMA in ny??

ismellrealbad 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:22

is your girlfriend stupid?

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:05

no but you are.

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:10

I like your ear. it's a very nice ear. it has character.

ismellrealbad 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 20:54

thank you

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 24

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 146