By BRELLA - 3/2/2009 19:58 - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

British Broadcasting Corporation

Long story short

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 23:00

Incognito browsing

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

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By lottielondon - 4/5/2011 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

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By Dean Heffern - 22/2/2011 14:28

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By mala_19 - 12/6/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2013 00:21 - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2012 14:19 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles - 15/6/2017 16:00

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By a little less poor at least - 21/4/2013 16:03 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML

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By ripo95 - 26/11/2008 06:18 - France

Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

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By tulisa - 21/2/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - 6/4/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 06:50 - United States

Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying "yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 16:17 - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By thebrokentardis - 22/9/2014 06:45 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By TANT - 22/3/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

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By clostar - 19/1/2016 20:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By Kate - 7/6/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 17:07 - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By Professor FacePalm - 28/11/2016 23:22 - United Kingdom

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 09:15 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how gays are destroying the "sanctity of marriage". I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

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By okaythen6 - 9/12/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

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By randomusername99 - 5/5/2014 21:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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By oops - 21/9/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By cousin of the groom - 7/8/2018 01:30

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

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By Cammy - 29/4/2009 07:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

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By blackntangirl - 18/7/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

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By awalc - 20/12/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I woke up with Skittles super glued to my forehead. FML

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By yeueid - 31/3/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

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By "Sarah Ellsberry" - 13/9/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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By Me - 31/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Zizi - 4/7/2015 13:18 - Norway - Mosj?en

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

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By CBM2012 - 7/2/2009 04:58 - United States

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

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By love_today - 30/5/2010 02:36 - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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Top comments

By arms_akimbo | 0

#86 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 7:50

But did you finish? Giggity giggity goo.

By 8ranko | 0

#557 - Saturday 7 February 2009 22:17

almost hapened to me....you got do give her sugar...
is fun to F*** in a car while eating chocolats :D

Comments

By arms_akimbo | 0

#86 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 7:50

But did you finish? Giggity giggity goo.

By alpuppy | 0

#91 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 10:39

Also curious if you finished...that'd be a major turnon

By 8ranko | 0

#557 - Saturday 7 February 2009 22:17

almost hapened to me....you got do give her sugar...
is fun to F*** in a car while eating chocolats :D

By 2random | 0

#696 - Sunday 8 February 2009 16:26

haha , and u kept going didnt ya ??

By flyingdjs | 0

#1197 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 3:00

rustybullethole has the best comments ever..

By Stephen_fml | 0

#5555 - Monday 23 February 2009 0:10

you should've caught her

By wicked_fml | 0

#6984 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 8:46

didn't she warn you ahead of time? if she didn't that's her own fault!

By jsmith1199 | 0

#42090 - Thursday 19 March 2009 5:12

now u have the best sex story u could ever ask for- "dude i was banging this one chick so hard that she PASSED OUT!!"

By rainstorm | 0

#44110 - Friday 20 March 2009 2:39

i think the girl definitely had it worse. -_-

By dekz | 0

#47269 - Saturday 21 March 2009 11:30

you need to practice safe sex mate