Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about... - FML

By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/5/2017 22:00

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6564

You deserved it

578

Tweet

Share

Running commentary

Fairytale ending

Goodbye Bill

By ADT - 9/2/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56328

You deserved it

3806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11810

You deserved it

35677

Tweet

Share

By love4cheese1197 - 2/8/2019 20:00

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1342

You deserved it

221

Tweet

Share

By Elmo - 16/2/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73577

You deserved it

4066

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3206

You deserved it

268

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 11/2/2012 05:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34818

You deserved it

5590

Tweet

Share

By Kelso - 6/2/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48321

You deserved it

2506

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28807

You deserved it

5097

Tweet

Share

By fml - 19/1/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9804

You deserved it

40729

Tweet

Share

By Insomniac - 2/2/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30039

You deserved it

2890

Tweet

Share

By gotadirtydick - 14/4/2017 22:00

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4287

You deserved it

454

Tweet

Share

By Cougar - 24/7/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58517

You deserved it

5177

Tweet

Share

By anon - 27/4/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12803

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2141

Tweet

Share

By abdominates - 23/10/2009 16:48 - Canada

Today, after a long workout I come back to my locker, to find my lock had been cut. I looked inside realizing my phone and ipod had been stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, my keys were gone. I ran out to the parking lot to find an empty spot where my car had once been parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52472

You deserved it

3081

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/4/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5398

You deserved it

349

Tweet

Share

By eliinu - 2/9/2016 02:45 - United States - Middlesboro

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14989

You deserved it

903

Tweet

Share

By m2k - 20/6/2011 14:59 - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32360

You deserved it

7898

Tweet

Share

By hairy - 25/2/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50778

You deserved it

6288

Tweet

Share

By Maddie110110 - 7/6/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31084

You deserved it

6658

Tweet

Share

By PCJJacket - 5/5/2014 17:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52073

You deserved it

26010

Tweet

Share

By Torbey - 14/9/2016 03:49 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14424

You deserved it

1256

Tweet

Share

By Fluory - 7/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30033

You deserved it

3933

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had 2 textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I face planted with my books flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16325

You deserved it

47730

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39548

You deserved it

6919

Tweet

Share

By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20274

You deserved it

31706

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 02:23 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55548

You deserved it

3597

Tweet

Share

By Why Is It Always Me - 21/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5487

You deserved it

2996

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 17:49 - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10538

You deserved it

37662

Tweet

Share

By MamaMia - 25/11/2018 15:30

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2540

You deserved it

593

Tweet

Share

By JennyAndrews - 5/12/2009 08:44 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

I agree, your life sucks

15096

You deserved it

30981

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53547

You deserved it

5057

Tweet

Share

By Frozen - 10/3/2014 14:23 - United States

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43472

You deserved it

4023

Tweet

Share

By Smeagogole - 2/7/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27026

You deserved it

3537

Tweet

Share

By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8411

You deserved it

59884

Tweet

Share

By not_fakingit - 22/9/2013 04:26 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42369

You deserved it

11157

Tweet

Share

By myownperson - 25/10/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42364

You deserved it

3584

Tweet

Share

By Ace - 1/4/2016 02:17 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21719

You deserved it

1772

Tweet

Share

By nutcracker - 23/2/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7157

You deserved it

68144

Tweet

Share

By Dude - 23/10/2010 15:13 - Singapore

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32513

You deserved it

4135

Tweet

Share

By purrfect :/ - 7/7/2016 22:34

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12314

You deserved it

1037

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

Comments

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

Reply

Zahafiz Aqil | 4

#7476975 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 11:30

Lol narcolepsy definition means.
extreme tendency to fall asleep when in relaxing surroundings.
Lol that just makes it 3 times more funny

By RichardPencil | 28

#7453143 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:35

You were having sex, but she's upset you were fondling her breasts?

Was it because you were running the bases backwards?

By Timothy Keplinger | 3

#7453147 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:40

Honestly tho since u didn't check on the neck and was searching for a heartbeat on her chest u kinda were fondling her breasts tho y she was concerned about this during sex the world may never know

Reply

TinScarecrow | 11

#7454461 - Sunday 14 May 2017 10:34

Oh, yeah, cause when you're freaking out you think "let me move my hand from her chest to her neck to check her vitals". It was probably just closest to where his hands were already

By Cali | 54

#7453154 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:48

Nap attack!

By Druu | 53

#7453156 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:51

Still counts!

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7453159 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:52

You would think she might have mentioned thst so you wouldn't freak out thinking she was dead. I place this on her!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7453171 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:29

I find this situation to be both awkward and very weird. She should have warned you that she was narcoleptic before you went down to "business."

By RedCronos | 17

#7453203 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:19

That sucks for both of you.

By pdelapuente92 | 11

#7453208 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:28

U sure she was awake before sex? ?