Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about... - FML

By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/5/2017 22:00

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

They're everywhere

Lockdown is driving us down

By highlydisgusted - 16/10/2013 03:10 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By fuck - 13/7/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By Misspoopypants - 25/7/2017 05:00

Today, I spent the first two hours of my shift cleaning up liquid poo after an elderly lady sat in one of our chairs and promptly let go of her bowels. I was so embarrassed for her that I even bought her a towel, underwear, and a pair of pants. She then thanked one of my coworkers for all the help. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By blackberrybummer - 25/7/2010 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 00:44 - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By Michele - 18/1/2010 00:32 - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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By WaitingByThePhone - 9/7/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

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By writer4life - 17/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By bandit99999 - 19/8/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

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By fuck's sake - 16/4/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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By Bug5992 - 9/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By karmamaybe - 3/12/2012 20:35 - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By Why's it so cold in here? - 1/2/2015 18:13 - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

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By bablessinbedsty - 5/5/2017 14:45

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By a-scared - 6/8/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2010 14:35 - United States

Today, I have a rash all over my face because yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, I am allergic to the something in the tissues with which I was blowing my nose and wiping away my tears. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - 18/8/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By Shock91 - 11/9/2019 02:02 - China - Beijing

Milky Milky

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

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By IMAWAKE - 17/3/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

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By thanksforthat - 10/8/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

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By zombieguyswife - 28/6/2012 23:44 - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

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By phonemenace - 17/8/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, my 6 ft snake got loose. I found it. It was in my neighbor's backyard, constricting their pet rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 18:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By rosmaizura - 1/10/2010 07:39 - Malaysia

Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML

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By insomniac x2 - 15/8/2013 19:56 - Mexico - Garza Garc

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

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By cmore - 11/3/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 03:47 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

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By drunkenloser - 20/9/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my alcoholism reached a new low when I found myself sitting on the toilet drinking a bottle of wine. FML

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By - 16/6/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

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By disney - 26/11/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

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By Dilly - 10/10/2010 20:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

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By blabla - 23/12/2008 08:57 - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

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By 3.14 - 8/2/2012 11:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

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By not even a sexy bushfire - 25/10/2012 16:27 - Australia - Kelmscott

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

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By kolgate - 15/2/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

COMMENTS

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

Reply

Zahafiz Aqil | 4

#7476975 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 11:30

Lol narcolepsy definition means.
extreme tendency to fall asleep when in relaxing surroundings.
Lol that just makes it 3 times more funny

By RichardPencil | 28

#7453143 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:35

You were having sex, but she's upset you were fondling her breasts?

Was it because you were running the bases backwards?

By Timothy Keplinger | 3

#7453147 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:40

Honestly tho since u didn't check on the neck and was searching for a heartbeat on her chest u kinda were fondling her breasts tho y she was concerned about this during sex the world may never know

Reply

TinScarecrow | 14

#7454461 - Sunday 14 May 2017 10:34

Oh, yeah, cause when you're freaking out you think "let me move my hand from her chest to her neck to check her vitals". It was probably just closest to where his hands were already

By Cali | 54

#7453154 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:48

Nap attack!

By Druu | 53

#7453156 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:51

Still counts!

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7453159 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:52

You would think she might have mentioned thst so you wouldn't freak out thinking she was dead. I place this on her!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7453171 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:29

I find this situation to be both awkward and very weird. She should have warned you that she was narcoleptic before you went down to "business."

By RedCronos | 17

#7453203 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:19

That sucks for both of you.

By pdelapuente92 | 11

#7453208 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:28

U sure she was awake before sex? ?