Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about... - FML

By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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There's no helping some people

Late term

Toxic parents

By Awkward - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

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By Lindsey Taul - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

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By doggybag - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By dantko - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By bonnmo - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Can they do that?

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

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By MsGlaDos - United States - Austin

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

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By FML1994 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

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By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By dempasi - United States - Utica

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

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By Tris

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By FUCK - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

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By WhitneyHouston - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By oops - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By coward - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

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By Ready to break up - 8/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

Smells like victory

Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - De Pinte

Today, my co-workers decided in our meeting with my boss that everything is my fault. When asked for examples, they couldn't come up with any. Now they are mad at me, because I'm apparently good at my job. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new Ipod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano Ipod, I decided to bang my old Ipod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

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By part time all the time - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

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By Ashley - United States - Bellerose

Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML

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By ManderDander - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

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By I get the hint

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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By notgettingany - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

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By MyPrecious... - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought the ring my boyfriend bought for me had fallen off while emptying the trash into the bin. After panicking and emptying a week's worth of rubbish onto the ground, I found my ring safe and sound. On my other hand. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

COMMENTS

By Mynxie | 26

#7449104 - Thursday 4 May 2017 16:51

Why didn't you check for a pulse on her neck? Much easier

By Tarlachia | 33

#7453122 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:05

So, you're in the middle of sex and fondling her breasts are what she's concerned about?

Reply

Zahafiz Aqil | 4

#7476975 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 11:30

Lol narcolepsy definition means.
extreme tendency to fall asleep when in relaxing surroundings.
Lol that just makes it 3 times more funny

By RichardPencil | 30

#7453143 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:35

You were having sex, but she's upset you were fondling her breasts?

Was it because you were running the bases backwards?

By Timothy Keplinger | 3

#7453147 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:40

Honestly tho since u didn't check on the neck and was searching for a heartbeat on her chest u kinda were fondling her breasts tho y she was concerned about this during sex the world may never know

Reply

TinScarecrow | 15

#7454461 - Sunday 14 May 2017 10:34

Oh, yeah, cause when you're freaking out you think "let me move my hand from her chest to her neck to check her vitals". It was probably just closest to where his hands were already

By Cali | 54

#7453154 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:48

Nap attack!

By Druu | 53

#7453156 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:51

Still counts!

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7453159 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:52

You would think she might have mentioned thst so you wouldn't freak out thinking she was dead. I place this on her!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7453171 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:29

I find this situation to be both awkward and very weird. She should have warned you that she was narcoleptic before you went down to "business."

By RedCronos | 17

#7453203 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:19

That sucks for both of you.

By pdelapuente92 | 11

#7453208 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:28

U sure she was awake before sex? ?