Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started...

By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

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Intimacy

This Charming Man

Walk on the wild side

Alternative medicine is bull

By badwaitress - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

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By socially awkward - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By Annie - United States

Waste

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML

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By Sandra - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By lonesome - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By pathetic_girl - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

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By Ves - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

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By NotANaturist - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from a new years party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

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By imnotcrying

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

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By Just a joke - 2/11/2020 05:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

No jokes allowed

Today, my boyfriend called my mother stupid and angrily argued with her at a family dinner. Why? We have a long-running family joke that "vegan food doesn't contain calories", and my boyfriend thought my mum said it seriously and was therefore a moron. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

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By emily - United States

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Serbia

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

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By fmfb - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

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By WOCOACH - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By oops - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By justwantingtohelp - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

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By LearnGeographyUSA - United States - Kirkland

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By Talkingbeforethinking

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

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By Unappreciated Grandchild - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

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By haha247 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By Spiller - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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By toothache - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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By catdog552 - United States

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

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By LostInSunday

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

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By GodDaughter - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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By arthise - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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By stalked - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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Top comments

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5642429 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:08

Shhh, just be quiet and let it happen...

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5642463 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:18

This isn't a criticism of you, but it really blows my mind whenever I hear a girl talk about sex and her "first orgasm." The idea that you can get to sexual activity without ever masturbating is just crazy weird to me. Love thyself first and you won't be so dependent on jerky boys. You deserve better.

COMMENTS

By crisanba | 18

#5642419 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:05

First time jitters I guess

thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5642528 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:00

If those are what your jitters are like, remind me to never have sexual relations with you

Grayness_ | 26

#5642546 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:11

So you were thinking about it @#35? 0.o

thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5642573 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:25

There's a tough crowd for this fml's comments, it appears

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5642600 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:36

Jesus.. Babies having sex!? What has this world come to!? And I thought teenagers were bad, it's really the toddlers you gotta watch out for.

Sarahandlucas | 9

#5642656 - Sunday 25 August 2013 5:20

Have you realized that every comment you post gets so many negative comments that you have to tap to see it?? Maybe you should look at what your putting BEFORE you send it. Js.

DenBriZel | 31

#5642763 - Sunday 25 August 2013 7:46

How ironic, 56.

By JE553 | 9

#5642424 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:07

Didn't want the mood to be ruined obviously

Grayness_ | 26

#5642542 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:08

Lol. He prolly didn't know and thought that she making those noises were annoying.

addioty | 19

#5642698 - Sunday 25 August 2013 6:03

Sherlock? Is that you?

Grayness_ | 26

#5642703 - Sunday 25 August 2013 6:13

Afraid I am, Watson.

By RealTalk0 | 7

#5642425 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:07

You should've just left then and there honestly..

Nyx_fml | 23

#5642532 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:03

I think that more than leaving, at that moment she just wanted to come.

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5642429 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:08

Shhh, just be quiet and let it happen...

By Jst4kicks | 16

#5642432 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:09

lol at least you were enjoyin it

By jesustitts | 20

#5642437 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:10

At least he didn't just stop and ruin the moment! What are you complaining for?

jesustitts | 20

#5642513 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

jesustitts | 20

#5642539 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5642560 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:17

39 - We're not. It's just that "I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, DUH" is most people's go-to defence when the thumbs down start rolling in.

Rodville | 28

#5642603 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:38

I have never said that I was just being sarcastic. I accept my thumbs down like a big boy.

As for the OP next time just before he comes choke his ass.

Let the downwards thumbs begin