Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started...

By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Late term

By Username - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

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By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By JFC

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By alliwantisabandaid

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By RIP_Nose - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

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By fml - Canada

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By Jenna - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

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My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By lsta - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By Alec - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

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By skrillexblewme - United States

Today, as I sat down in the plane, I realized that for the next seven hours I would be sitting next to a priest who refused to stop praying aloud, and an old man who wanted to tell me the story of how the toothpick came to be. FML

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By lexigan4 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Herdad - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By happybirthday - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

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By cupcakelady127 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By sweetjulie

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

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By YipYop - United States - Brandon

Today, I rode a skateboard down a street past a busy two-story outdoor cafe. As I rode by, a group of people thought it'd be funny to kick stray pebbles at my wheels, trying to make me trip. It worked. My backpack ripped open in the process letting all my school-work float away in the wind. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By dragynfyre - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By Emily Salt

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

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Top comments

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5642429 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:08

Shhh, just be quiet and let it happen...

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5642463 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:18

This isn't a criticism of you, but it really blows my mind whenever I hear a girl talk about sex and her "first orgasm." The idea that you can get to sexual activity without ever masturbating is just crazy weird to me. Love thyself first and you won't be so dependent on jerky boys. You deserve better.

COMMENTS

By crisanba | 18

#5642419 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:05

First time jitters I guess

thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5642528 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:00

If those are what your jitters are like, remind me to never have sexual relations with you

Grayness_ | 26

#5642546 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:11

So you were thinking about it @#35? 0.o

thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5642573 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:25

There's a tough crowd for this fml's comments, it appears

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5642600 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:36

Jesus.. Babies having sex!? What has this world come to!? And I thought teenagers were bad, it's really the toddlers you gotta watch out for.

Sarahandlucas | 9

#5642656 - Sunday 25 August 2013 5:20

Have you realized that every comment you post gets so many negative comments that you have to tap to see it?? Maybe you should look at what your putting BEFORE you send it. Js.

DenBriZel | 31

#5642763 - Sunday 25 August 2013 7:46

How ironic, 56.

By JE553 | 9

#5642424 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:07

Didn't want the mood to be ruined obviously

Grayness_ | 26

#5642542 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:08

Lol. He prolly didn't know and thought that she making those noises were annoying.

addioty | 19

#5642698 - Sunday 25 August 2013 6:03

Sherlock? Is that you?

Grayness_ | 26

#5642703 - Sunday 25 August 2013 6:13

Afraid I am, Watson.

By RealTalk0 | 7

#5642425 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:07

You should've just left then and there honestly..

Nyx_fml | 23

#5642532 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:03

I think that more than leaving, at that moment she just wanted to come.

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5642429 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:08

Shhh, just be quiet and let it happen...

By Jst4kicks | 16

#5642432 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:09

lol at least you were enjoyin it

By jesustitts | 20

#5642437 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:10

At least he didn't just stop and ruin the moment! What are you complaining for?

jesustitts | 20

#5642513 - Sunday 25 August 2013 3:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

jesustitts | 20

#5642539 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5642560 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:17

39 - We're not. It's just that "I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, DUH" is most people's go-to defence when the thumbs down start rolling in.

Rodville | 28

#5642603 - Sunday 25 August 2013 4:38

I have never said that I was just being sarcastic. I accept my thumbs down like a big boy.

As for the OP next time just before he comes choke his ass.

Let the downwards thumbs begin