By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 11:50 - United States

Spicy
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML
I agree, your life sucks 34 068
You deserved it 3 707

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Well I guess instead of masturbating you can call it snake handling now.

That sucks dude

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That sucks dude

Why is she dating you if she doesn't want to do anything sexual with you? I know sex isn't everything but it's damn important.

Op maybe shes rooting for the other team and she's just with you for another reason. :-/

That's what I was thinking 20.. OP's girlfriend seems like she'd have more fun with me then him. Lol

Actually, it doesn't "suck".

It might suck she said she wouldn't touch it she never said she wouldn't blow it

39- Uh-oh, get ready to be buried by all the defensive teenagers and other "men" that can't imagine actually controlling their little dicks. :O

#39 It's not the most important, but it's one thing if she says she's not ready *yet*, and another entirely different one if she says that she'll *never* want to get close to his dick.

True, 49, true. But I think that the most important thing in this issue is her age. If she's seventeen and find penises slash intercourse horrifying, then she (and OP) has a serious issue. However, if she's about 14 years old, time will probably change her opinion about this subject. Your comment made me remember the 14-year-old "I will never give a blowjob because it's disgusting!" me. The *never* has become a lie, eventhough I was really convinced about it at that time. So let's hope that OP's girlfriend will also become more mature about it. Sex isn't everything, but I think it's the most deeply and intense expression of the love between two human beings.

What do you mean 'are not that important?' shouldn't it be 'is not that important?' I'm no grammar nazi, but that mistake is a grade school error...

If you bothered checking his profile you'd see he lives in Vestfold which is in Norway, so English probably isn't his first language, moron. You're not a Grammar Nazi - you're an idiot looking for an internet fight.

I don't think it's right to say she has a serious issue if she's 17 and finds a penis horrifying - she might be a lesbian.

No, it doesn't "suck."

If a woman still feels that way at the age of 21, then there's a problem. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 years old. And, up until I turned 20, I still was really uncomfortable with it. I think 21 is a safe age for one to know if they're sexually comfortable or not. OP, give her time. She may come around. When the time does come around, let her know how you feel about it. Sex is nothing to be disgusted about or ashamed of. It just needs to happen at the right time when the feelings are mutual between the two of you. Hang in there, OP! :)

Keep in mind, 49, that the FML is written from the OP's point of view; the "never" may be an exaggeration. An alternate possibility, for example, is that she just doesn't want to in the immediate future, and the OP may have misunderstood or misrepresented her wording.

You really had to bring that into this? :P

43, Prepare to be thumbed up by the narrow minded self involved assholes who can't accept that others may have a different way of thinking about their own lives and that, despite being none of your fucking business, because it doesn't ascribe to the definitive romantic archetype it must therefore be wrong.

That's fine, but the people who thumbed this guy down just for saying (neutrally, non-offensively) that sex isn't a big deal to him, are pretty easy to read. Besides, what makes you think your input is welcomed? Go post your long winded, pretentious, crap somewhere else. You must have a lot of time on your hands to go constantly trying sucking the humor out of every other FML and taking the side of the underdog even when you obviously don't buy into the views you're defending. Very sad. Act your age.

What gave you the idea I thought my input is welcomed? I don't really care if it is or isn't...It exists, get over it. I appreciate that you seem to be following my comments though. I'll be sure to post more often so you've got something worth reading.

There's a first time for everything.

Well at least you don't have to worry about Indiana Jones molesting you.

It's because of her pussy troll, Pillowpants, she doesn't want him to bite your "thing" off.

78 - Watch the movie "Clerks 2", I was referencing a scene from the movie. It's also, in my opinion, one of the funniest movies around.

Guess you're not getting any! :(

And she's your girlfriend why?

Because a relationship is more than just sex? Maybe she's a super model or something and doesn't want to have sex or something. And she is just teasing him really bad.

or maybe she's a bitch

Forgive my confusion but... What does being a supermodel have to do with not wanting to have sex? What did I miss?

or maybe she's a bitch

32, just stop. Would you seriously date someone that joked around about something like that and, apparently, had ZERO interest in sex? Yeah, relationships aren't all about sex. But there has to be some degree of intimacy.

Agreed, 62. But asexuality is an actual thing, despite the gross misrepresentation on House a little while ago. 'Intimacy' does not require sex.

Or maybe she's a bitchy lesbian? And just doesn't realize the lesbian part?

An asexual creature is one that reproduces on its own if I'm correct... Correct me if I'n wrong but human beings are not nor have ever been asexual.

Asexual for humans means "not interested by sex"

There is no way anyone would date a woman that would refuse to ever touch her mans penis. Unless of course that man WANTS a life void of pleasure. Have heard of self mutilating people before. Maybe she can eventually find someone that hates themselves enough to stick around her.

Unless you're still in high school you should probably break up with her.

94, that's asexual reproduction. Asexuality as it applies to humans is an identity or an orientation. You know, like how 'homosexual' is an orientation. 102, you're just a little off the mark. It's not a simple disinterest, we actually don't experience sexual attraction. Many aces do have sex drives and enjoy the act of sex, but to some of us it's little more than recreation, and has about as much meaning in our partnerships as going out to lunch. It's just a thing.

109- Sex is not the only to obtain pleasure...

143- it doesn't matter what it can be used for, because he will be using it by himself. What possible good could ever come from a relationship where the woman refuses to be around his unit ever? It only causes mental pain for him his entire life. Yeah right, sign ME up for a lifetime of rejection.

143- what kind of arts and crafts did you have in mind? Do you use yours to make ballon animals?

Well I guess instead of masturbating you can call it snake handling now.

Hahaha... Not funny.

Haha... Not funny. Not a good joke. OP, nice girlfriend.

Must have been better than you thought it didn't get downed in shame

Maybe she'll get over it? ._.

He'd rather she 'get around it'!

Get her to the zoo, maybe she likes hairy monkey tails ;)

That wasn't funny. It should be more like: She should become a herpetologist and learn about millions of different kinds of snakes and ones that are okay to touch and ones that aren't.

Why would she like hairy monkey tails -_-

60, your picture + comment made me laugh, you look like scared pony asking his mum.

Wait a minute, the Stig doesn't talk and most certainly would not make some of the worst comments on FML. Hey everyone 33's a phony! A big fat phony!

The things about snakes is...they seem to attack

This particular snake will happen spit up on her

Some cases you have to have you hand around it for a while before it spits though.

And in some cases it just spits on you with no warning D:

Damn, let's hope she changes her mind.

Well, you better find someone that is into touching snakes then.