Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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Miscellaneous

Age ain't nothing but a number

Whatthefuckaburger

Live dumping

By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - 1/6/2013 04:31 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By ScorpioQueen - 21/9/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By motherfucked - 15/1/2016 17:07 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

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By Dora - 12/10/2009 13:21 - Canada

Today, I won 10,555 dollars on scratch cards! My sister got me to do a happy dance and filmed it. The video is on facebook and the tickets were fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my grandmother. Turns out my father found out about my elopement with my husband through my stepmother, because someone she works with told her. We were planning on it being a surprise, and telling people on Christmas. My father won't even talk to me now. FML

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By Crusty - 19/12/2012 20:53

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2010 23:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

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By ge fu yo twa - 25/6/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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By maggie2014 - 23/6/2013 23:48 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By Toolate - 21/12/2016 12:26

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By Kathrynn - 7/3/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

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By Miserable person - 10/9/2019 18:00

Choosing Beggars

Today, after spending 5+ hours of my life painting a portrait of someone's cat for them, I finally finished it, perfect condition, no mistakes. I was supposed to be paid 300 bucks for it. Got 50 bucks because it was too "vibrant." FML

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By TRAMATIZED - 8/9/2009 22:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

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By TrashGirl - 24/6/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By HeShe - 6/9/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML

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By Gross... - 16/8/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By facepalm - 5/2/2013 03:30 - United States - Sayreville

Today, working as a nurse, I saw a patient in for follow-up after a partial leg amputation. I checked her blood pressure and gave her the reading, which prompted her husband to ask what it meant. She replied, "I'm alive." Before I could stop myself, "And kicking" spilled out of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By Anon - 10/3/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By ShitStirringSon - 15/8/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

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By Narehs - 13/1/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By nolife - 5/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

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By Geemeisters - 8/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 16:13 - United States

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

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By sillvy - 13/1/2012 09:32 - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By Gurior - 4/9/2011 07:01 - Canada

Today, the condoms I bought a few years ago as a celebration of dumping my girlfriend due to a lack of sex, have expired. Every last one of them. FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By madseason - 7/5/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

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By satanlovesme - 30/5/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By thanksma - 29/1/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

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Top comments

By Rockflid | 3

#4133402 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:13

Complain to their boss.

By megamandude455 | 10

#4133529 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:29

"and then they called their boss over, who then proceeded to laugh at it too."

Comments

By Rockflid | 3

#4133402 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:13

Complain to their boss.

megamandude455 | 10

#4133529 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:29

"and then they called their boss over, who then proceeded to laugh at it too."

mpj13 | 8

#4133778 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:12

I kind of want to see the picture...

muzy | 23

#4133927 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:43

^ upon which open responded by spitting in their faces and having the last laugh. it's a bit vulgar but appropriate!

muzy | 23

#4133937 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:45

edit: op

LolFMLnot | 10

#4134241 - Thursday 8 March 2012 3:13

I would laugh along, because seriously my student ID is funny looking as well :$

ankoku | 2

#4134347 - Thursday 8 March 2012 3:45

I would respond by lodging a complaint with their corporate office!

Oh, and spitting in their faces too that'd just be hilarious!

straightxedge74 | 0

#4134457 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:22

Then they see your pic and laugh

cookie_3008 | 4

#4134762 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:39

Is your name "Chris P. Bacon" or.."Harry Pitts"...by any chance???

suckingatlife | 9

#4139000 - Friday 9 March 2012 1:20

I hope you got to see a movie for free.

By liv2laugh721 | 0

#4133419 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:14

Aww im sorry
Well at least u know u can make people laugh....

unitedfan11 | 0

#4134440 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:18

You should see my license. It looks like I'm high. My point is everyone looks funny in their licenses so it's justifiable that the two employees laughed. I bet you those employees look just as ridiculous in their licenses...

copy125 | 0

#4134632 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:07

Either op was hit really hard with the ugly stick or he has a really bad fake lol

Suchagoonnn | 4

#4136052 - Thursday 8 March 2012 10:08

^ Who gets a fake to get into movies?

copy125 | 0

#4137065 - Thursday 8 March 2012 16:29

Hence the laughter!

Ecklcakes | 15

#4137935 - Thursday 8 March 2012 21:00

Well at least they were laughing at your picture rather than your actual face! It means that they're laughing at something which is in the picture rather than something which is displayed on your face normally! :D

By Kypopz | 9

#4133430 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:15

You will ALWAYS look bad on a card, whether it be your license or your student ID.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4133933 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:44

I look terrible in my work ID.

dkaur | 0

#4134179 - Thursday 8 March 2012 2:56

Hmm not true

taerts | 9

#4134200 - Thursday 8 March 2012 3:04

Sadly, student ID's always look like mug shots.

holly1398 | 5

#4134914 - Thursday 8 March 2012 6:28

in mine, my hair is all ruffled from the wind outside and some of mascara is running from the rain :(

Justy101 | 23

#4138139 - Thursday 8 March 2012 22:21

Or if you're making a ridiculous duck face.

By thisbitchlys | 0

#4133434 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:15

sock em in the facee!

yandizzle | 0

#4134900 - Thursday 8 March 2012 6:23

and Thats where you pretend to rob them, see their expression and be like nah I'm just playin and see who has the last laugh then!

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4136647 - Thursday 8 March 2012 14:48

Woah now, let's just calm the fuck down.

yandizzle | 0

#4140315 - Friday 9 March 2012 9:28

It was just a suggestion to make OP feel better. (walks away in shame shaking my head saying no one understands me.)

By studdmuffin1990 | 7

#4133438 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:16

Double fist punch them in the face and as there bent over in pain punch there brown eye! (saw it on T.V. once so it has to work) ;)

RaggleFrock | 13

#4133746 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:04

The tv's never lied to me before!

Havin | 19

#4134208 - Thursday 8 March 2012 3:07

I watched a lot of t.v when I was growing up and I turned out t.v.

Michael_92 | 20

#4135820 - Thursday 8 March 2012 8:31

Cause EVERYTHING on TV is for real. Specially movies, they always portray things accurately.

By desireev | 17

#4133447 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:16

Aww OP!
That must've been so embarrassing! :(
FYL, indeed!

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4133820 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:20

You're seriously so nice and I love reading comments by you :)

desireev | 17

#4134436 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:17

Thank you! I really try to be!
I really appreciate that! You made my day! :D

straightxedge74 | 0

#4134466 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:24

Your both annoying

veryhighsleepygu | 7

#4134566 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:54

You really shouldn't smile it's kinda scary -_-

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4134569 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:54

51 - how so?

And awe you're welcome! Anytime :)

veryhighsleepygu | 7

#4134571 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:54

You really shouldn't smile it's kinda scary -_-

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4134589 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:56

57 - and you really shouldn't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say :3 we're not here to judge anybody

veryhighsleepygu | 7

#4134595 - Thursday 8 March 2012 4:58

Correct me If I'm wrong but isn't telling someone Their nice judging them :/

desireev | 17

#4134955 - Thursday 8 March 2012 6:38

I smile because I'm a happy person. How is that creepy? Lol

veryhighsleepygu | 7

#4134964 - Thursday 8 March 2012 6:40

Didn't say creepy I said scary and because you got a crazy chic face

periwinkle95 | 10

#4135707 - Thursday 8 March 2012 8:08

75- go die in a hole you motherfucker. You're talking about her face? She's pretty. You on the other hand probably look like a pig's ass.

leprechaun23 | 15

#4138202 - Thursday 8 March 2012 22:43

If you complain to the boss maybe he/she will give you free snacks or a free ticket

By A100893 | 30

#4133494 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:23

Jerks.

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4135661 - Thursday 8 March 2012 7:54

those fothermuckers...

By rinkagamine_fml | 9

#4133499 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:24

Well, that's pretty rude. People have no class sometimes. ;[

By ilovefall10 | 21

#4133514 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:26

What the hell is wrong with people these days?
Seriously, no manners.

By neverdrinkSODA | 12

#4133520 - Thursday 8 March 2012 0:26

tear their mandibles from their hollow skulls