Love: Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/02/2013 20:23 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 811

You deserved it 3 813

Good kid

And today, on Dr Phil…

Litter

By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 146

You deserved it 532

By Classicmen - 19/06/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 857

You deserved it 3 587

By ragingwaffles - 13/08/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 170

You deserved it 3 877

By Anonymous - 24/06/2016 21:35 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 835

You deserved it 1 085

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 463

You deserved it 3 571

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 257

You deserved it 16 322

By Random - 31/01/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 731

You deserved it 3 286

By getting real crafty.. - 05/07/2015 15:51 - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 994

You deserved it 2 001

By nahalDZ - 20/10/2012 17:29 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 412

You deserved it 5 296

By Kulcha - 13/02/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 388

You deserved it 40 348

By Lou Czar - 07/01/2009 23:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 748

You deserved it 81 072

Loud and clear

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 21:30

Today, I found out that my husband wants to leave me. I got the message loud and clear when his girlfriend forwarded me screenshots of all their texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 49

By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 811

You deserved it 3 462

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 18:30

Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 489

You deserved it 237

By wheelmaker - 03/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 688

You deserved it 451

By lucky - 31/03/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 978

You deserved it 17 857

By why - 02/05/2016 20:08 - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 932

You deserved it 872

By Anonymous - 18/03/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 764

You deserved it 256

By Anonymous - 15/02/2016 01:57 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 486

You deserved it 3 285

By porn daddy - 21/06/2017 00:00

Spicy

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 951

You deserved it 431

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 17:07 - South Africa

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 564

You deserved it 2 800

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 718

You deserved it 3 068

By Anonymous - 25/01/2015 07:01 - United States

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 432

You deserved it 2 815

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 18:57 - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 769

You deserved it 13 831

By ohshit - 07/03/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 695

You deserved it 5 633

By xorenae - 27/03/2015 08:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 7 929

By friendless1004 - 12/11/2015 16:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 952

You deserved it 29 009

By Scared4Lf - 19/08/2016 18:10 - United States - Lamoure

Spicy

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 811

You deserved it 1 510

Gross dude, dude

By GhostPenguin - 08/10/2021 11:01 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I had to tell my 30 year-old boyfriend to take a shower, or else he won't for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 149

By nosleep - 30/06/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 499

You deserved it 257

By Noname - 09/03/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 076

You deserved it 8 642

By Unhappymothersday - 17/05/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 448

You deserved it 2 151

By ilovechickens - 15/04/2012 03:46 - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 6 512

By Two wrecks one car - 20/08/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 045

You deserved it 142

Respect Independence Day!

By unpatriotic - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 931

You deserved it 8 117

By Anonymous - 02/06/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 474

You deserved it 2 570

Acceptance

By Anonymous - 08/06/2020 05:04

Today, I can't look my roommate in the eye because he walked in on me showing my drag friends my new dress on Discord last night. My roommate is really conservative. We used to get along so well too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 388

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 139

You deserved it 4 247

By Zephyric - 02/02/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 363

You deserved it 3 463

By JWags - 04/12/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 436

You deserved it 1 469

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Top comments

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:49

Oh, the Romance :) Take hers as an experiment.

zfchatroulette 24

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

What a butthole.

Comments

BntyHntrSeattle 30

Send a private message

Friday 15 February 2013 2:49

Oh, the Romance :) Take hers as an experiment.

Send a private message

Friday 15 February 2013 4:11

Such an ibitch..!

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:49

Hey, you got an iPod AND a kindle! How romantic :D

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:44

You mean used to have an iPod and kindle.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:26

No, I don't. Now he has them, when he didn't before since they were in the girlfriend's possession :P

kelseygoesrawr 8

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Friday 15 February 2013 5:08

Why is two getting thumbed down when both his comments are right? The first one is sarcasm guys, calm down.

capslockisgood 19

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Friday 15 February 2013 6:21

I read the FML as the girlfriend returned it to the store which is probably why 2 got thumbed down.

BlitheNightmare 7

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Friday 15 February 2013 6:44

40 I could be wrong, but it sounds like she returned the items to OP, because she keeps stealing them. so 2 is right.

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Friday 15 February 2013 8:43

I actually read it as she returned it to the store too. But now that I read the comments, both seem possible. So not going to thumb 2 up or down since I don't exactly know what OP meant. :x

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Friday 15 February 2013 10:17

Op did say that she considers it as his valentine present, which I believe he meant that she returned it to him

wallandpiece 16

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Friday 15 February 2013 12:14

It says the iPod and Kindle were 'ageing' (or aging) so it's unlikely the shop would have allowed a refund if they were old and (potentially) in bad condition. Also, why would the girlfriend return those items to the shop without OP's knowledge and call it a Valentine's gift? Use your brains.

DyslexicPanda 12

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 7:30

Because it sounds like he could potentially be saying it was his gift to her that he "bought" her an iPad and iPod touch and sold back his stuff for it, thus making it more of an fml than what is likely actually intended. At least he didn't have to buy her the iPad and iPod though...

zfchatroulette 24

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

What a butthole.

happle 21

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:45

He should puncha her buns.

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:52

Talk about being nasty?

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:51

How thoughtful of her.

perdix 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:53

She gave you your shit back, now that it is shit. When they were new, they were the shit. Now, they are just shit.

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

I dont know about you, but I find my iPod and Kindle to be very usefull and feel no need to replace them anytime soon. :)

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:12

Chew some Orbit gun for that dirty mouth.

perdix 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:28

#7, I found my iPhone made all of my iPods obsolete.

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:43

Unless you're like me and have a shite-ton of tunes on your iPod. I don't own an iPhone so my iPod still holds value to me. I think others might feel the same way but who knows? Maybe I'm a goon.

beanthemouse 13

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:57

Annoying bitch

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:57

That truly takes regifting up to the next level.

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

fuck the glitchy app

zombieslayer83 19

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

shaww 28

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:08

as long as you have sex, it fine.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 274