Love and Intimacy: Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dementia or hate? You decide

Vulture

By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By nj - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By sarah - 28/3/2021 20:00

Just a prank, bro

Today, my parents wouldn't stop making fun of my shy bladder by camping out in front of the bathroom door while I’m trying to pee. As a result, I haven’t peed in 10 hours and my bladder is going to explode. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By cynicalcindy - United States

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out : "Are you having fun ?" FML

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By mazey93 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By myhairgetsfrizzywhenwet - Australia

Today, my sister drove past me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

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By wowthatwould - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By rejected - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager tells me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Stuttgart

Today, after taking my crush to the train station late at night, I sat in a local park alone with my thoughts for a while. Two cops appeared out of nowhere and started searching me for drugs and weapons, asking me questions for a good 30 minutes. Not the kind of action I expected tonight. FML

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By Ohhh the pain

Today, after a night of vomiting and diarrhoea, my family forced me to our beach house for the night. I packed my bag and my mum said she put my bag in the car. We get there where we realise she forgot to put my bag in the car. Not a big deal I thought. 5 minutes later I shit and vomited myself. FML

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By deepblue - United States

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

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By Grinch

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

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By jesspie - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

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By marquez_jasmine - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

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By picaru - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By VampiresSayRawr - Canada

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By blacktyaffair - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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By PunchingKennyLoggins - United States

Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML

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By T-Shain - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By alix - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By mraow123 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By strokingitasitype - Canada - Gander

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By Unfortunate - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML

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Top comments

By aelabed | 17

#7536624 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:05

Need a follow up on this

By inappropes | 31

#7536630 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:35

At least he knows you like him(alot). Now make the move to ask him out lol.

COMMENTS

By aelabed | 17

#7536624 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:05

Need a follow up on this

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7536663 - Saturday 2 September 2017 10:24

OP's probably going to change her identity and flee the country. I doubt anyone will ever hear from her again.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7536626 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:19

At least it wasn't someone else...for example, your mother.

By pastafanatic | 13

#7536627 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:21

I could not imagine your embarrassment. My apologies OP. But I do agree with others, we definitely need a follow up on this.

By inappropes | 31

#7536630 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:35

At least he knows you like him(alot). Now make the move to ask him out lol.

Reply

Danne696 | 14

#7536840 - Saturday 2 September 2017 20:46

Do you realize how creepy it would seem for someone to call just to masturbate over the phone and then ask you out on a date?

By ttuseth | 6

#7536634 - Saturday 2 September 2017 7:15

Beyond cringe worthy. So sorry.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7536638 - Saturday 2 September 2017 7:41

Not gonna lie, there's no recovering from a fuck up of that magnitude.

Reply

bjnono001 | 20

#7536883 - Sunday 3 September 2017 0:13

Say it was a prank

Reply

griddy24 | 17

#7813708 - Thursday 20 June 2019 9:42

Unless he’s super into it!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7536639 - Saturday 2 September 2017 8:41

Of course he was, he wasn’t finished masturbating to your phone sex call. Hopefully, he’ll want to escalate to real life soon.

By azouwa | 26

#7536641 - Saturday 2 September 2017 8:57

Sounds like something a teen would do on purpose.

Reply

ahhna | 7

#7549245 - Friday 6 October 2017 1:21

exactly my thoughts!

By iceychiida | 8

#7536643 - Saturday 2 September 2017 9:07

He was either mortified or turned on. I'm thinking if he was on your speed dial, you'll get to laugh it off. Hopefully.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7536672 - Saturday 2 September 2017 10:44

I also feel like if he hadn't hung up after hearing it, then he probably wasn't mortified. Or OP could have been "lucky," and it went to voicemail. A quick text saying, "Just butt dialed you, sorry." should be enough to get him to not even listen to it.

By Miss_080 | 21

#7536644 - Saturday 2 September 2017 9:13

People still use speed dial?