Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

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Work name

Who's a good boy?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By ohmylantis - 4/5/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

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By Liz - 27/9/2010 19:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By flop of shame - 17/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was walking into work holding a coffee and a bunch of other things. My employee saw me and held the door. I was almost there when I dropped my coffee, tried to catch it, tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. I heard the door close while still lying there. FML

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By miji - 30/10/2018 19:42

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By Dogsbody - 27/5/2019 02:30

Today, I noticed that my dad scolds me in the same tone of voice that he uses to scold our two dogs. Gives a whole new meaning to being treated like a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with a British accent during my job interview to make me sound smarter. I'm applying for a job at McDonald's. FML

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By tryingtoberomantic - 28/9/2019 14:00 - Australia

Too much of a good thing

Today, I took my boyfriend out to dinner to an expensive restaurant. He overate, and now I have to nurse him through food poisoning. FML

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By cheesylad - 10/6/2017 06:00 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - 23/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By qwerty - 27/11/2018 22:08

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

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By zingle af - 26/7/2017 20:00

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

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By BoobiePain - 16/10/2014 02:33 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2014 10:46 - Australia

Today, my friend thought she would "save me some time" by spoiling Game of Thrones. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 11:23 - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 04:49

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

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By Steven, Customer Service - 17/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Dover Plains

"Where are the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By CrazyInLove - 10/3/2015 06:02 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By KiDCuSHi - 20/8/2011 04:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

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By unwanted - 24/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By BetterThanChocolate - 20/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

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By AustrianCow - 22/12/2015 21:45 - Austria - Linz

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to meet my parents. My mum introduced herself as, "I'm Petra. I'm completely normal." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 09:01 - Mongolia

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

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By baconbreath=| - 13/11/2010 05:12 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

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By oops... - 19/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 16:50 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By rutho - 27/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By kmthomas91 - 11/5/2020 23:00

Stinky

Today, after coming home, my apartment reeked of something fierce. Small animals frequently like to crawl under my apartment since I live next to a wooded area. Apparently, skunks are among those who like to visit, and Febreze isn't helping. FML

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By Deadfish - 26/7/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By ow - 13/6/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

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By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:51 - United States - Seattle

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

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By walkingonsunshine - 22/1/2010 00:14 - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

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By Mad Munki - 7/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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Top comments

By aelabed | 17

#7536624 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:05

Need a follow up on this

By inappropes | 31

#7536630 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:35

At least he knows you like him(alot). Now make the move to ask him out lol.

COMMENTS

By aelabed | 17

#7536624 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:05

Need a follow up on this

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7536663 - Saturday 2 September 2017 10:24

OP's probably going to change her identity and flee the country. I doubt anyone will ever hear from her again.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7536626 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:19

At least it wasn't someone else...for example, your mother.

By pastafanatic | 13

#7536627 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:21

I could not imagine your embarrassment. My apologies OP. But I do agree with others, we definitely need a follow up on this.

By inappropes | 31

#7536630 - Saturday 2 September 2017 6:35

At least he knows you like him(alot). Now make the move to ask him out lol.

Reply

Danne696 | 14

#7536840 - Saturday 2 September 2017 20:46

Do you realize how creepy it would seem for someone to call just to masturbate over the phone and then ask you out on a date?

By ttuseth | 6

#7536634 - Saturday 2 September 2017 7:15

Beyond cringe worthy. So sorry.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7536638 - Saturday 2 September 2017 7:41

Not gonna lie, there's no recovering from a fuck up of that magnitude.

Reply

bjnono001 | 20

#7536883 - Sunday 3 September 2017 0:13

Say it was a prank

Reply

griddy24 | 17

#7813708 - Thursday 20 June 2019 9:42

Unless he’s super into it!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7536639 - Saturday 2 September 2017 8:41

Of course he was, he wasn’t finished masturbating to your phone sex call. Hopefully, he’ll want to escalate to real life soon.

By azouwa | 26

#7536641 - Saturday 2 September 2017 8:57

Sounds like something a teen would do on purpose.

Reply

ahhna | 7

#7549245 - Friday 6 October 2017 1:21

exactly my thoughts!

By iceychiida | 8

#7536643 - Saturday 2 September 2017 9:07

He was either mortified or turned on. I'm thinking if he was on your speed dial, you'll get to laugh it off. Hopefully.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7536672 - Saturday 2 September 2017 10:44

I also feel like if he hadn't hung up after hearing it, then he probably wasn't mortified. Or OP could have been "lucky," and it went to voicemail. A quick text saying, "Just butt dialed you, sorry." should be enough to get him to not even listen to it.

By Miss_080 | 21

#7536644 - Saturday 2 September 2017 9:13

People still use speed dial?