Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give... - FML

By vadoodoo22 - 15/1/2010 05:02 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Headache

By Chris - 1/1/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By :| - 16/4/2011 02:04 - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

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By dJ21 - 15/12/2009 09:23 - Guam

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

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By ugly duckling - 6/8/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

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By lex - 14/2/2013 11:01 - United States

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

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By Mr.Viola - 20/6/2010 06:42 - United States

Today, my future father-in-law, a respectable New England gentleman, bought me an $8,000 viola and bow for our engagement. I was so surprised that I spit a glass of wine from a 60 year old bottle all over his custom-tailored suit. He was not happy. FML

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By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By Graham Watson - 1/7/2019 16:00

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

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By kenleybunch - 12/3/2013 13:22 - United States - Greenville

Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend. 20 minutes into hanging out, he showed up at my door. He still hasn't left, and they're having sex on my couch right now. FML

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By burn - 1/8/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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By Z - 9/4/2011 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

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By stupidlights - 7/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

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By Uncomfortable - 17/5/2013 07:21

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

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By Taylor - 23/2/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 11:56 - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By anonymous - 1/3/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By clean - 16/9/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I made an appointment with a therapist because lately I've been feeling alone and like no one cares about me. I waited at her office for about forty minutes before the receptionist informed me that she must have forgotten about the appointment. I was stood up by even my therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2012 02:00 - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Bliss - 9/2/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 07:17 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By imbx - 13/4/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

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By Bekah - 4/7/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By Chris Chandler - 4/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 12:00

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

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By Noname - 11/2/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Timmay - 5/6/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2018 19:00

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

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By hail science - 10/9/2019 00:01

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 20/12/2013 08:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

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By gimpy - 4/1/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By can't win - 13/1/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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Top comments

By heartagram_in_ro | 0

#775910 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

how did you not know that your " best friend" was dating her before you?

By InternetToughguy | 0

#775958 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:52

get her to give you head then before you blow your load pull out and bust your nut in her eye (from what ive been told it hurts like shit) now as for your friend you should introduce his face to your fist :)

Comments

By heartagram_in_ro | 0

#775910 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

how did you not know that your " best friend" was dating her before you?

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#777398 - Saturday 16 January 2010 5:58

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

picturescrazy | 24

#777556 - Saturday 16 January 2010 8:19

Uh no, that's just plain cruel. It sounds like she was a new girlfriend (if all they'd done was kiss). It's still not okay to cheat, but a kid's for LIFE (unless she gets an abortion, but it's still a lot more serious...), and cheating is something most people get over quickly in new, non-serious relationships... Just saying! Still, OP, FYL ): That guy just gave you shitty advice.

Reply

spidermantexas | 0

#779685 - Sunday 17 January 2010 14:36

#37: Please see a psychiatrist.

OP: Why did you read her text message?

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#781446 - Monday 18 January 2010 5:38

hahaha.. That's probably a good idea..

Reply

kookat195 | 0

#813363 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:30

38 you are beautiful. too bad I might be too young for you... :)

Reply

AlphaXero | 0

#818801 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:39

@57 - F your life for trying to find a chick on FML.

Reply

DamnDatFML | 0

#982005 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 1:43

That's a great revenge process but i think a good ol' White Dragon oughtta do the bitch some good. Search it on
urban dictionary.com

Reply

gooBUZZ | 0

#1758329 - Saturday 27 November 2010 9:49

^. Yes.

Reply

SLiPKNoT57 | 0

#2171268 - Friday 11 March 2011 4:44

that's a great I-fuckin-dea... I might try this out

Reply

ChaCerCam | 14

#6030580 - Thursday 7 August 2014 22:06

#38 because a zombie make-up is just the sexiest thing out there.

By Foxracingluver | 0

#775927 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:27

I agree with number 1 :) end of friendship and relationship I gues haha

Reply

kissiy6 | 15

#2852636 - Saturday 9 July 2011 5:15

why end the friendship?
technically, HE'S the other guy.

By skeleton_skinner | 0

#775942 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By InternetToughguy | 0

#775958 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:52

get her to give you head then before you blow your load pull out and bust your nut in her eye (from what ive been told it hurts like shit) now as for your friend you should introduce his face to your fist :)

Reply

rivimatt | 20

#6485177 - Monday 14 December 2015 22:22

The girl cheated on his friend with him . . .

By taycandy96 | 2

#775992 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:18

Wash ur mouth with soap and water!!!! Yuck, I would hate be u

Reply

mitch707 | 0

#776213 - Friday 15 January 2010 16:39

If you're not gunna kiss any girl thats given head then pickings are gunna be pretty slim. Unless he kissed her right after she sucked off his friend then it doesnt matter.

Reply

Ifuckedthefeartu | 30

#6709030 - Thursday 3 November 2016 18:40

I'm not sure if you're generally against bjs, or you're THAT kinda dude who thinks cum is icky and is like 27.

By Mimorie17 | 12

#776000 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:23

sum bestfriend u have.!

By Nic_hole | 0

#776015 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:35

I agree with number 1 lolz, and your best friend knew about you two I'm guessing??what?! that's really retarded, he was not your best friend obviously! and that girls a slut

By tudor_fml | 0

#776045 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:10

agree with 5

By ashleysmashleyyy | 0

#776050 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:12

you're madd dumb(:

By DorkyBlake | 0

#776078 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:40

brush your teeth! pronto!