Miscellaneous: Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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Mother of the year

Sorry…

Bad news

By nanall - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 17:01

Can't feel my tongue

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

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By eMmA01 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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By

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By onething - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 11:31

Unrequited lover

Today, I had to give advice to my best friend and love of my life. What kind of advice? What to wear while on a date with some guy. We're roommates, and she wouldn't stop telling me about everything when she got home. This happens on a regular basis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

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By Flattie

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By M2thaM - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

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By Tamps - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By Oopsie

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

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By fmlsrsly - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

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By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

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By randomusername99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

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By x - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By thebeachisthatway - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By Anonymous

My 21st birthday

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By hamboneghost - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

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By futuregigolo - United States - Strasburg

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

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By lookslikeaboyapparently - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML

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By Hotsauce887 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

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By some explaining to do - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

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By Aerogal - 30/11/2020 17:01

Uber sister

Today, I took my sister to the airport, after she asked me to a week ago. Five minutes into the ride, she told me she wasn’t going to the one 20 minutes away, but the one an hour away instead and gave me no gas money. FM

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mom heard on TV that teens need at least ten hours of sleep a day. Now she makes me go to bed at 7pm. I told her I can't finish my homework in time, and my grades will suffer. She wouldn't listen. Last week, she threatened to punish me if I don't get straight As this semester. FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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Top comments

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

COMMENTS

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

Reply

Mf2307 | 15

#6512433 - Sunday 17 January 2016 5:14

agreed

By halcyon93 | 16

#6512259 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:16

Ordinarily I'd say there's nothing to be ashamed about with that, but asking ones daughter for help is a bit much...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6512598 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:37

And we assume Anonymous is a girl, why?

Reply

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6512603 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:44

the symbol next to ops name is female

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6513009 - Sunday 17 January 2016 21:50

dear god

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#6515880 - Thursday 21 January 2016 2:23

Yeah, its one thing to ask a Son to do something like this (its still wrong, but on a smaller scale)

By emeraldisle | 30

#6512261 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:17

Dads like to look at porn too.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6512265 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:18

Boys will be boys...

By jgriff79 | 23

#6512269 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

I bet he previously bought playboys just so he could read the articles!

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512293 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:46

Haha!!

Reply

Cyrus00 | 41

#7778592 - Friday 8 March 2019 19:18

And he goes to hooter 's just because the food is good.

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6512270 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

That sucks...

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512295 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:47

Haha #9 ;)

Reply

feven | 32

#6512332 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:35

This is true. When my phone used to have a filter, I couldn't search up certain things like simple math problems or science related things because of it.

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6514819 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 21:08

I was so embarrassed when I had to phone up to turn the adult filter off for my mobile phone. The amount that some catch in the filters is ridiculous.

By hfslkp47012759 | 28

#6512276 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:29

He just wanted to know what goatse was. His punishment will come.

By 0h_Boy | 26

#6512287 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:42

How did he "make" you? Surely, you could've said no

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512344 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:02

That's not the issue of the matter.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6512324 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:25

give him a hand

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512346 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:03

Dude... Wtf, that's just messed up and not funny at all...

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6512358 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:19

Someone did since his comment has a like

Reply

McIntian | 12

#6512796 - Sunday 17 January 2016 16:43

I incest you stop