Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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Serious times

Workaholic

Please like me

By Anonymous - 9/5/2017 04:00

Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

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By itsjustnotfair - 5/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had 2 cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

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By notip - 15/11/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was at work, when this guy came in and paid for his ice cream, then handed me a dollar. I've never gotten a tip before, so I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, I appreciate it." He stared at me with a weird look for a moment, and then said, "Can I just get that in quarters?" FML

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By fartz - 31/8/2013 06:04 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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By wasp infestation - 3/10/2016 04:54 - United States - Aurora

Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 14:02

The cheek of some people

Today, the girl my ex-husband cheated on me with, and left me for, called me and asked for money to bail him out of jail. She asked me because I have my own business and I'm financially stable. FML

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By pot, meet kettle - 5/4/2013 23:21 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I was chatting online with a guy I really like, when he used the word "irregardless." I couldn't help but mention how little sense it makes, since it's a combination of two words meaning roughly the same thing. He replied, "lol what? your stupid." Jesus Christ. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - 6/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By Lee - 10/4/2012 03:50 - United States

Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

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By bearded lady - 8/6/2020 14:03

Can't face it

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - 22/2/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05 - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By teebs - 14/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By suchagoodholiday - 5/10/2015 09:57 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 16:00 - United States

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace (closer to my old apartment). FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 22:03 - Iceland - Akranes

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

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By SadAndAlone - 3/12/2015 16:41 - Sweden - Nacka

Today, I got the most action I've had in months when a stranger fondled my thigh on the subway. It was a blind man, searching for empty seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 16:36 - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By who knows - 5/2/2020 14:00 - United States - Mankato

Tell me the reason

Today, someone took my phone away. Why? Because I was texting my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with one of my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:22 - Germany

Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML

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By oh my soul - 14/3/2018 01:30

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By Lennyr - 28/8/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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By rainey - 3/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

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By fuckoffgramps - 24/1/2016 17:10 - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 18:00

Hygiene 101

Today, my mother refused to talk to me because I wouldn't let her use my deodorant stick. FML

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By mcpeepants - 8/1/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

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By Elayne Warthen - 25/4/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By Jorgina226 - 11/8/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By Lady_Luck - 25/3/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

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By rawr101 - 2/10/2010 06:25 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my ex: "I miss you." I was happy to hear this, so I replied "Really?" I got in return "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you." FML

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By Well then - 1/3/2019 20:00

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

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By iams - 30/8/2018 06:00

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 03:10

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

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By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for her boss. The same boss that, two weeks ago, caused her to come to me crying because he was sexually harassing her at work. When I told her I'd intervene, she told me she'd handle it. I guess she certainly did. FML

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By antisocial - 12/8/2010 08:07 - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

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By Canali18 - 17/9/2016 14:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

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Top comments

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

COMMENTS

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

Reply

Mf2307 | 15

#6512433 - Sunday 17 January 2016 5:14

agreed

By halcyon93 | 16

#6512259 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:16

Ordinarily I'd say there's nothing to be ashamed about with that, but asking ones daughter for help is a bit much...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6512598 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:37

And we assume Anonymous is a girl, why?

Reply

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6512603 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:44

the symbol next to ops name is female

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6513009 - Sunday 17 January 2016 21:50

dear god

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#6515880 - Thursday 21 January 2016 2:23

Yeah, its one thing to ask a Son to do something like this (its still wrong, but on a smaller scale)

By emeraldisle | 30

#6512261 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:17

Dads like to look at porn too.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6512265 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:18

Boys will be boys...

By jgriff79 | 23

#6512269 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

I bet he previously bought playboys just so he could read the articles!

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512293 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:46

Haha!!

Reply

Cyrus00 | 41

#7778592 - Friday 8 March 2019 19:18

And he goes to hooter 's just because the food is good.

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6512270 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

That sucks...

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512295 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:47

Haha #9 ;)

Reply

feven | 32

#6512332 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:35

This is true. When my phone used to have a filter, I couldn't search up certain things like simple math problems or science related things because of it.

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6514819 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 21:08

I was so embarrassed when I had to phone up to turn the adult filter off for my mobile phone. The amount that some catch in the filters is ridiculous.

By hfslkp47012759 | 28

#6512276 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:29

He just wanted to know what goatse was. His punishment will come.

By 0h_Boy | 26

#6512287 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:42

How did he "make" you? Surely, you could've said no

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512344 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:02

That's not the issue of the matter.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6512324 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:25

give him a hand

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512346 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:03

Dude... Wtf, that's just messed up and not funny at all...

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6512358 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:19

Someone did since his comment has a like

Reply

McIntian | 12

#6512796 - Sunday 17 January 2016 16:43

I incest you stop