Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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Instadrama

Time don't heal nothing

Double standards

By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By alie - 9/2/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 17:55 - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

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By minder97 - 17/10/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - 21/5/2011 21:16 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2012 19:23 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

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By NVflood17 - 17/1/2017 08:00

Today, there's lethal flooding in the Reno area, with all roads to my work closed and flooded. My boss still expects me to drive through it, in the dark, to work at 6am. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 18:34 - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

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By detour165 - 26/12/2013 05:30 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 14:24 - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By Ouch - 22/5/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By Fucked4life - 18/4/2018 20:30

Today, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I've had a really bad week and am feeling depressed, and he knows this. He's also just decided to tell me he has a two-month-old daughter. We do not have an open relationship. FML

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By Ben - 18/6/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By massage mama - 4/8/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2013 09:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By bosslady - 30/6/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By fatty magoo - 29/7/2014 18:20 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

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By CatLady - 9/6/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 05:00

Slicey machine go thwack

Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 11:36 - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By Tallie - 1/10/2018 12:00

Today, I fell down the stairs, breaking my foot and tendons. It was the first time I had ever broken anything, and the doctor said that it's the most complicated break he'd ever seen. It's too complicated to operate. Now I'm stuck in a wheelchair for god knows how long. FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2018 15:00

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

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By motherless - 30/1/2013 03:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By TotallyFkd - 22/1/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 14:30

Today, I and several housemates have food poisoning. From what? Last night's Subway, which we only got to avoid eating the pork that was possibly bad as none of us wanted to be sick. FML

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By anonymous001 - 8/1/2013 19:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 22:00

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 04:41 - United States

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

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By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By stop_crying - 11/5/2016 18:55 - United States

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By MrsRODixon - 5/3/2015 12:38 - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

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By ctmoto77 - 24/3/2015 17:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML

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Top comments

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

Comments

By jarrahj | 19

#6512248 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:13

Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

Reply

Mf2307 | 14

#6512433 - Sunday 17 January 2016 5:14

agreed

By halcyon93 | 16

#6512259 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:16

Ordinarily I'd say there's nothing to be ashamed about with that, but asking ones daughter for help is a bit much...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6512598 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:37

And we assume Anonymous is a girl, why?

Reply

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#6512603 - Sunday 17 January 2016 8:44

the symbol next to ops name is female

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6513009 - Sunday 17 January 2016 21:50

dear god

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#6515880 - Thursday 21 January 2016 2:23

Yeah, its one thing to ask a Son to do something like this (its still wrong, but on a smaller scale)

By emeraldisle | 30

#6512261 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:17

Dads like to look at porn too.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6512265 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:18

Boys will be boys...

By jgriff79 | 23

#6512269 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

I bet he previously bought playboys just so he could read the articles!

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512293 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:46

Haha!!

Reply

Cyrus00 | 41

#7778592 - Friday 8 March 2019 19:18

And he goes to hooter 's just because the food is good.

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6512270 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

That sucks...

By mds9986 | 24

#6512271 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:20

To be fair those filters are a pain in the ass. They block things for no reason because they get wrongfully flagged.

Reply

Jayms_fml | 32

#6512295 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:47

Haha #9 ;)

Reply

feven | 32

#6512332 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:35

This is true. When my phone used to have a filter, I couldn't search up certain things like simple math problems or science related things because of it.

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6514819 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 21:08

I was so embarrassed when I had to phone up to turn the adult filter off for my mobile phone. The amount that some catch in the filters is ridiculous.

By hfslkp47012759 | 28

#6512276 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:29

He just wanted to know what goatse was. His punishment will come.

By 0h_Boy | 26

#6512287 - Sunday 17 January 2016 0:42

How did he "make" you? Surely, you could've said no

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512344 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:02

That's not the issue of the matter.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6512324 - Sunday 17 January 2016 1:25

give him a hand

Reply

Talonshere | 14

#6512346 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:03

Dude... Wtf, that's just messed up and not funny at all...

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6512358 - Sunday 17 January 2016 2:19

Someone did since his comment has a like

Reply

McIntian | 12

#6512796 - Sunday 17 January 2016 16:43

I incest you stop