Intimacy: Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life... - FML

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Spicy

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 436

You deserved it 5 594

Late term

Making connections

Assumptions

By chickenflavouredlaptop - 09/04/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 001

You deserved it 1 013

By jai90 - 03/02/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 154

You deserved it 3 808

Sneaky sneaky...

By Snowflakepandi - 01/09/2017 13:00

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 404

You deserved it 270

Gourmet dinner

By the_emilymohr - 28/03/2020 23:00

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 209

By JohnFarrell - 24/04/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 505

You deserved it 65 895

By ugly5402 - 06/01/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 244

You deserved it 26 721

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 711

You deserved it 4 617

How? Why? When?

By Anonymous - 16/08/2021 22:01

Spicy

Today, I found on my brother's laptop thousands of pictures of my wife naked, in the shower and even a few of us having sex. That fucking creep put spy cams in our bedroom and bathroom. I’m so angry I don’t even know where to turn, hopefully the police can give me a hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 74

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 22:46 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, while at work I got a complaint from a guest. She complained that after spending 2 hours to get her hair done for a wedding, she got drenched with water from a child. I work at a WATER PARK. Thank you for calling me a pathetic asshat for no reason in front of other guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 120

You deserved it 1 238

By themuffinman - 27/12/2011 15:15 - Japan

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 655

You deserved it 3 213

By Laura - 20/03/2012 22:27 - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 748

You deserved it 3 675

By Pooping - 29/08/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 813

You deserved it 1 889

Love bites

By LoveLifeFail - 11/04/2021 14:01 - Canada

Today, the man I love showed me the ring he's going to give to the woman that he loves. Who is someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 151

By anniecook - 27/11/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I saw an old man who needed help crossing the street. I went over to him and helped him across the street. When he thanked me, I said, "No problem, sir." They responded by hitting me in the happy sacks and screaming that they were a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 910

You deserved it 7 207

By mrboston - 01/09/2009 23:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 605

You deserved it 43 014

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 694

You deserved it 3 197

By Lena - 27/03/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 957

You deserved it 7 551

By mochiko - 09/08/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 464

You deserved it 56 205

By Charles - 18/05/2011 17:13 - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 999

You deserved it 3 899

By ktm1313 - 26/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 19 862

By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 126

You deserved it 3 291

Blind love

By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 482

You deserved it 207

Cue Shaggy

By scully11 - 02/08/2011 18:36 - Canada

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 304

You deserved it 3 334

By Anonymous - 29/04/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 727

You deserved it 3 985

By justmyluck - 12/02/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 418

You deserved it 4 859

By FMLMom - 08/08/2012 08:02 - United States - Chula Vista

Spicy

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 755

You deserved it 4 607

By knepmj - 16/03/2016 09:44 - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 953

You deserved it 1 382

By twowords - 08/06/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 852

You deserved it 59 548

Frustrated

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 307

By ILuvYouSoldiers - 26/06/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 326

You deserved it 21 411

By RosesAreRed - 14/02/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 535

You deserved it 3 614

Say yes

By fuckingdonuts - 18/05/2015 02:54 - United States - Edmond

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 955

You deserved it 5 159

By mtorres8789 - 27/06/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 844

You deserved it 80 464

By Hunter cat - 02/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 358

How could you?

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 02:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 669

By Anonymous - 01/05/2016 04:56 - United States - Sandown

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 770

You deserved it 1 503

By jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 830

You deserved it 4 198

By in love with an idiot - 20/11/2016 11:47 - Angola - Luanda

Today, my soon-to-be husband showed up with an animal print suit at our engagement ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 199

You deserved it 1 636

By boringhusband - 08/05/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 648

You deserved it 1 487

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 07:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 013

You deserved it 131

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:11

I would start walking around in a poncho and carrying an umbrella

FightMyLiger 19

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:11

Poland always gets hit first by these global assaults. World War J is upon us!

Comments

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:11

I would start walking around in a poncho and carrying an umbrella

syki 22

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 3:41

Rule 34.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 3:46

A real poncho or a sears poncho?

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 5:50

Op said her brother said everyone, #1, so keep that in mind ~4 years from now when he finishes with Poland and moves to the Americas.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 6:10

If this is such a big deal for him he probably got you a long time ago

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 6:30

Also op need to lock the door when asleep!

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 5:30

^^ It's a Frank Zappa reference. Thumb away for me having to tell you.

FightMyLiger 19

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:11

Poland always gets hit first by these global assaults. World War J is upon us!

flashback.miss 28

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 2:02

All aboard for Switzerland! Neutrality!!!! but seriously, I'm sure he's just messing with you...

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 3:28

31- nah, he's MESSING with you.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:11

He's gonna make it rain?

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:30

chocolate rain.

unknown_user5566 26

Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:44

Since when is jizz chocolate colored?

Shrike 23

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:55

You'd best see a doc about that one, #15. I'm not sure the FML community is exactly qualified to help out with that.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 2:43

More like make it snow

dancinwookie 21

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 7:59

#38- It sounds like you might also want to get that checked out. If your dick is giving off dander...You can't just use Head and Shoulders. I mean you could, but then we'd hear about it.

Ace132 20

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:13

That's just faptastic

BimmerDriver 23

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:15

He's cumming for you, watch out. :)

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 3:30

It's refreshing to see a young man with a definite life goal; so many youngsters don't know what they want to do. And, I don't know why, but I just got a mental image of a stick figure with one arm the size of a Hulk Hogan python.

capslockisgood 19

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 4:31

48 I was going to thumb you up until I read that creepy mental image you had.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 5:24

Gotta admit it was a vivid picture.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 6:58

I wanna thumb you up, 5, but you're right at 69

dancinwookie 21

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 7:54

#48- You just described Trogdor the Burninator. Except he is a dragon with one large human arm.

BradTheBrony 19

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 21:14

TROGDOOOOOR Burninating the peasants!

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:17

That guys going places

inthedopeshow 17

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 2:18

He's certainly ambitious

syki 22

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 2:48

Really? I'd say he's coming places.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:18

I hope he is young, because that is going to be hard, long task. But hey, lets face it, gotta hand it to him for having a goal in the first place.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:30

Puns intended? Lol

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:18

He meant everyone EXCEPT his sister, right? Right??

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:20

what about his mom?

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:32

Or any kids he may have in the future.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:34

Or his Mom's bra

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:56

What about his grandmother? Aunt? Everyone in the world also includes his dad, and his pets? O.o

awkwarddebater 12

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 3:34

Maybe he's Joffrey.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 10:58

More like Jizzfrey.

BradTheBrony 19

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 21:19

More like jizz free. And not jizz-free in the sense of being devoid of semen, but jizz free as in TO jizz, freely and without constraint.

kelseythompson 27

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:19

You're next.

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 23:55

duh duh duuuuuuuh !!

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 1:20

The phrase from Gary Busey in Point Break comes to mind.... "Young, dumb, and full of cum"

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 94

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 34