Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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Rock, hard place

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By Xbieblette51 - 19/8/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

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By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 05:29 - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By Awkward - 19/7/2012 02:15 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 14:00

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By lonely-mind - 17/9/2018 06:30 - United States - Jackson

Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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By lefthandspanker - 27/8/2015 16:34 - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2017 02:00

Today, I got better phone reception crossing an inlet on a ferry than I normally do at my own house. FML

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By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By margelover - 11/10/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

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By Work_sucks - 29/11/2016 07:05

Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon" - 20/4/2017 16:00

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By Taco Hell - 19/10/2012 06:43 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By wtfseriously - 9/5/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

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By breathalizard - 2/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2017 10:04 - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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By Andrew - 23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By pissed - 10/5/2015 14:34 - United States - Dearborn

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 04:26 - United States

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

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By mad flyer - 21/2/2010 05:47 - France

Today, after my first flight landed late, I burned out my lungs sprinting full speed for 10 minutes to catch my next flight. The gate number on my ticket was wrong. It had been changed to one right next to where I had originally pulled up to. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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By The Fishing Pole - 15/6/2017 18:00

So, are you in or are you out?

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

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By lonelyheart4ever - 13/8/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2018 08:30 - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By B-ran - 5/1/2010 00:29 - France

Today, I was taking a dump at the Home Depot. After I was finished, I was bent over and pulling the toilet paper out of the holder. I pulled too hard, causing the dispenser lid to fling open and smack me on the back of the head. FML

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By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By thetalkingvagina - 9/6/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 12:31

Today, I found a "white power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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By blah. - 5/4/2010 10:14 - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By EmberLove - 17/1/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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Top comments

By caled123 | 0

#172795 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:58

who cares? its not hard to say 'that was my brother' and noone will take it seriously...

By FMY_FYL | 0

#172799 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:59

Your secret's out.

Comments

By NoBounceNoPlay | 0

#172787 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:57

Ahahaha... owned.

Reply

michaelscott23 | 7

#2532461 - Thursday 19 May 2011 8:50

suck on dem lemons!!!!

By brittbrittT | 0

#172789 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:57

well go figure, i would have done the same thing.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#172793 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:58

LMAO!!!!!
thats halarious!
but ur bro does suck

By caled123 | 0

#172795 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:58

who cares? its not hard to say 'that was my brother' and noone will take it seriously...

Reply

usnwife | 18

#4031267 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:36

That's exactly what I was thinking. Why the fuck is this a big deal? If I got a message like that I would know it was some sort of prank, unless it was somehow being talked about in a conversation (don't know what kind of fucked up conversation that would be though!) but I'd ignore it, or laugh it off. Who cares!?

By saywattt | 0

#172796 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:58

He's probably just using you as a cover up. Don't feel too bad about. Get revenge...

By FMY_FYL | 0

#172799 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:59

Your secret's out.

By shiroun | 0

#172801 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 1:59

Bow chica bow wow.

Reply

zendaddy0 | 0

#1783272 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:40

lol red vs blue

By eclipseking666 | 0

#172803 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 2:00

I would have done the same thing!

Reply

panic222354 | 0

#948197 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:00

same except u would have 2 piss me off bad

By classy | 0

#172804 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 2:00

Um, gross?

By mk1o3o | 0

#172805 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 2:00

YDI for pissing off your younger brother.. ? ppl that click "YDI" are idiots

Reply

kEnNy172 | 0

#1111921 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 3:11

you look like you enjoy that same sensation