Miscellaneous: Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn...

By Anonymous - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Running commentary

Medicare for all, please

By Failed_Dad - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By loner - United States

Today, I was sitting in class when the most popular girl in my grade came up to me holding birthday invitation cards. I've never been invited to a birthday party, so I was so excited when she handed me a card only to hear her say, "Mary is on your bus, will you give this to her?" FML

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By ThatHurts - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By TheLastSerenade - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

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By Chatons - Switzerland

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

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By - 28/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom - London

Golden child

Today, my mum went and told everyone she only went to the doctor after being ill because my brother told her to. It was me who'd been telling her for weeks to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Tilton

Love is a battlefield

Today, after I finally got up the courage to open myself up to someone new after going through a brutal divorce, it was going great until he went back to his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

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By still laughing - United States - Providence

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

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By ADD - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

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By Elizabeh - Canada

Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML

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By WaltTheFuckDad - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By Tanner - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

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By Jean - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

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By "sadh3"

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

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By -_- - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

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By S. - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

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By ELLI

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours unloading boxes into my new apartment. After unloading the entire truck and making trips up and down two flights of stairs, I heard a knock on the door. Apparently the landlord gave me the key to the WRONG apartment. Mine is downstairs. FML

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By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By whitefox123 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Really? - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By kezbabes - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By lahiros - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By girlthatstoofat - United States

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

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By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By qhorin halflung

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

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By WetWalking - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By LilShawty2000 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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Top comments

By caplox | 6

#5309068 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:31

what an ass.

By sens3sfailing | 24

#5309076 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:33

Just be glad he didn't come with the same attitude as Peter and do something so inappropriate to do at a wake only Seth McFarland could think it up.

COMMENTS

By caplox | 6

#5309068 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:31

what an ass.

lolkaela | 6

#5309110 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:39

definitely time for him to find a new girlfriend...

beddington | 7

#5309128 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:45

Come on. Nothing says " I'm sorry for your loss." like Peter Griffin

marxistbkly | 3

#5309397 - Saturday 5 January 2013 6:17

Is it possible to gargle ass appropriately?

kwyk | 23

#5309552 - Saturday 5 January 2013 8:19

Your mum seemed to think so.

rangermedic77 | 5

#5309646 - Saturday 5 January 2013 10:19

I'm tired of coming to the comments on fmls and the first one is always a very short, very obvious statement that's completely worthless. I need more of the funny shit I used to see

Catkam623 | 27

#5310611 - Sunday 6 January 2013 2:13

So why don't you write the first comment?

201chasew | 22

#6091886 - Friday 17 October 2014 16:22

in his defense, wakes are meant to pay respects to the deceased, not dress well to impress the others at the funeral home.

By sens3sfailing | 24

#5309076 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:33

Just be glad he didn't come with the same attitude as Peter and do something so inappropriate to do at a wake only Seth McFarland could think it up.

smartman136 | 8

#5309175 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:19

I could see it now. "Hey, she kinda looks like opie. If i just fix this *bone crack noise* there. Don't she look like opie?"

m3lyc | 18

#5310351 - Saturday 5 January 2013 21:36

Macfarlane, not Macfarland, dumbass.

By LolPieRofl | 11

#5309081 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:34

"You dont understand me!" *runs away*

By asleepingbear | 8

#5309082 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:34

So heartless or he is to dumb to know what a wake is

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5309100 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:37

I see your username is 'asleepingbear,' but please, add the extra 'o' to make it 'too.'

kakarot2 | 11

#5309188 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Deviant_fml | 5

#5309201 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:36

Someone looks like an idiot... since it IS 'too dumb' =P

michaeljcaboose | 7

#5309208 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:39

Goku, we will leave saving the earth to you any day, but obviously English is not your strong point. In this case, 'too' is correct.

BeepBeepSwerve | 9

#5309464 - Saturday 5 January 2013 7:03

lol @35

Metallica36176 | 16

#5309879 - Saturday 5 January 2013 15:58

31- Even though I like DBZ and normally I would overlook certain things , this time I cannot. You are a dumbass. Its ok to a point to correct someone, but when you're wrong it makes you a bigger dickhead than what you were originally. What the hell dude?? Why were you trying to be mean?