Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

All in the family

Caught red-handed

By Jeepers - 29/6/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By wabbyfish - 14/3/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - 10/6/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By minder97 - 17/10/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By WTF? - 12/8/2013 04:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By Stan017 - 13/3/2017 02:00

Fast and Furious 17: Hot cross buns in the city

Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML

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By thanks hun - 7/5/2020 20:00

Overheard musings

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

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By bumblebee - 13/3/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

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By ShanghaiSam - 17/5/2017 04:00 - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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By dr immature - 23/12/2013 23:11 - United States - Washington

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

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By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 16:51 - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

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By bald baby - 2/12/2018 05:00

Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml

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By caleighrossi - 16/6/2014 00:21 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By howtragic - 17/8/2011 12:13 - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

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By PPP - 28/4/2015 15:05 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By BG1059 - 5/6/2016 02:19 - United States - Irving

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

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By zwillywilly - 10/8/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

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By inapickle - 16/5/2012 08:20 - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2015 22:50 - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By John - 15/11/2009 06:08 - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 05:05 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By goodbyediet - 30/1/2015 11:00 - United Kingdom - Accrington

Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML

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By Fucked - 16/1/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

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By Failsafe - 9/5/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 00:16 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 14:00

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

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By Should have stayed in the closet - 7/6/2018 06:00

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

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By Kolkata - 5/8/2012 23:25 - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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By siighh - 6/7/2011 14:52 - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By somebody - 8/6/2012 23:13 - United States - Lexington Park

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

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By Ben - 3/8/2017 23:00 - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

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By Drewzter - 11/1/2010 03:33 - United States

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

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Top comments

By caplox | 6

#5309068 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:31

what an ass.

By sens3sfailing | 24

#5309076 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:33

Just be glad he didn't come with the same attitude as Peter and do something so inappropriate to do at a wake only Seth McFarland could think it up.

Comments

By caplox | 6

#5309068 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:31

what an ass.

lolkaela | 6

#5309110 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:39

definitely time for him to find a new girlfriend...

beddington | 7

#5309128 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:45

Come on. Nothing says " I'm sorry for your loss." like Peter Griffin

marxistbkly | 3

#5309397 - Saturday 5 January 2013 6:17

Is it possible to gargle ass appropriately?

kwyk | 23

#5309552 - Saturday 5 January 2013 8:19

Your mum seemed to think so.

rangermedic77 | 5

#5309646 - Saturday 5 January 2013 10:19

I'm tired of coming to the comments on fmls and the first one is always a very short, very obvious statement that's completely worthless. I need more of the funny shit I used to see

Catkam623 | 27

#5310611 - Sunday 6 January 2013 2:13

So why don't you write the first comment?

201chasew | 22

#6091886 - Friday 17 October 2014 16:22

in his defense, wakes are meant to pay respects to the deceased, not dress well to impress the others at the funeral home.

By sens3sfailing | 24

#5309076 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:33

Just be glad he didn't come with the same attitude as Peter and do something so inappropriate to do at a wake only Seth McFarland could think it up.

smartman136 | 8

#5309175 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:19

I could see it now. "Hey, she kinda looks like opie. If i just fix this *bone crack noise* there. Don't she look like opie?"

m3lyc | 18

#5310351 - Saturday 5 January 2013 21:36

Macfarlane, not Macfarland, dumbass.

By LolPieRofl | 11

#5309081 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:34

"You dont understand me!" *runs away*

By asleepingbear | 8

#5309082 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:34

So heartless or he is to dumb to know what a wake is

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5309100 - Saturday 5 January 2013 3:37

I see your username is 'asleepingbear,' but please, add the extra 'o' to make it 'too.'

kakarot2 | 11

#5309188 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:30

^if you are trying to correct someone, make sure you are right, otherwise you look like an idiot.

Deviant_fml | 5

#5309201 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:36

Someone looks like an idiot... since it IS 'too dumb' =P

michaeljcaboose | 7

#5309208 - Saturday 5 January 2013 4:39

Goku, we will leave saving the earth to you any day, but obviously English is not your strong point. In this case, 'too' is correct.

BeepBeepSwerve | 9

#5309464 - Saturday 5 January 2013 7:03

lol @35

Metallica36176 | 16

#5309879 - Saturday 5 January 2013 15:58

31- Even though I like DBZ and normally I would overlook certain things , this time I cannot. You are a dumbass. Its ok to a point to correct someone, but when you're wrong it makes you a bigger dickhead than what you were originally. What the hell dude?? Why were you trying to be mean?