By sallyfradoodle

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1461

You deserved it

395

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You tried

Vulture

Psycho

By Anon - Australia - Brisbane

At the top of desire

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2075

You deserved it

356

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 15:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Legalize it

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

360

You deserved it

1271

Favorite

By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33228

You deserved it

4004

Favorite

By random875 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37197

You deserved it

2467

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By electricpuddle

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37745

You deserved it

4022

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33023

You deserved it

3297

Favorite

By storyofmylife - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66476

You deserved it

10739

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6971

You deserved it

15445

Favorite

By Anonymous - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12408

You deserved it

21003

Favorite

By oddbrien - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

I agree, your life sucks

7461

You deserved it

4310

Favorite

By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2572

You deserved it

399

Favorite

By sexyhobbit - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45717

You deserved it

7305

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61827

You deserved it

3547

Favorite

By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

695

You deserved it

186

Favorite

By shit - United States

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32915

You deserved it

13725

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25671

You deserved it

1935

Favorite

By Jenna - United States

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32907

You deserved it

5592

Favorite

By Broke - United States

Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72164

You deserved it

28633

Favorite

By waxer150 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27229

You deserved it

8602

Favorite

By MyEarsHurt - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22351

You deserved it

2073

Favorite

By good_aim - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48231

You deserved it

26820

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39733

You deserved it

2078

Favorite

By anoynomous - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40624

You deserved it

5777

Favorite

By fmymouth - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the motorcycle I paid cash for was an illegal import. My plates are canceled, I have to turn in the bike for it to be destroyed, and the seller has vanished off the face of the planet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25717

You deserved it

4398

Favorite

By FabFor87 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6624

You deserved it

509

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3849

You deserved it

607

Favorite

By NotTheMomma

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18539

You deserved it

1897

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45873

You deserved it

6079

Favorite

By jayswizzle89 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24124

You deserved it

69417

Favorite

By Manly Sneeze

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13023

You deserved it

1516

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 10:58

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Today, I had to cancel a plane ticket to a friend's wedding, because first he gave me the wrong date, after which his fiancée cut me from the guests because of Covid safety. Instead of paying $600 to be in the ceremony, I'm paying $400 to not go anywhere because the ticket could only be partially refunded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

945

You deserved it

Favorite

By bleachingmykidsbrains - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25668

You deserved it

1719

Favorite

By still single - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24603

You deserved it

3004

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29763

You deserved it

3150

Favorite

By you fucking idiot - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44366

You deserved it

4340

Favorite

By yellow_sunflowers101 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76364

You deserved it

4852

Favorite

By Nic - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8611

You deserved it

41136

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26427

You deserved it

2009

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36801

You deserved it

22592

Favorite

By shaggyberaddy

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3449

You deserved it

847

Favorite

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Top comments

By Aru Naddon | 6

#7889345 - Friday 13 March 2020 21:13

When you think about it...it’s kind of nice. 🤷🏽‍♀️

By RichardPencil | 30

#7889356 - Friday 13 March 2020 22:12

That escalated quickly.

I'd say he won that round. What else you got?

COMMENTS

By Aru Naddon | 6

#7889345 - Friday 13 March 2020 21:13

When you think about it...it’s kind of nice. 🤷🏽‍♀️

By RichardPencil | 30

#7889356 - Friday 13 March 2020 22:12

That escalated quickly.

I'd say he won that round. What else you got?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7889366 - Friday 13 March 2020 23:13

Ah, love at first sight!

By fjvitt | 14

#7889373 - Saturday 14 March 2020 0:55

The first....but not the last???

By jk_waks | 20

#7889396 - Saturday 14 March 2020 4:16

Made for each other! <3

By MitiMiki | 16

#7889483 - Saturday 14 March 2020 10:59

Kinda romantic, in a way..

By Gubbon | 8

#7889550 - Saturday 14 March 2020 16:36

Cute.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889630 - Sunday 15 March 2020 1:09

You have nice taste in boys. I feel like you have a long line of energy drinking obey wearing boys in your future

By C_J_21 | 2

#7889847 - Sunday 15 March 2020 23:29

Maybe you can be my lucky number 345 😏😂

By boogerjt | 6

#7889879 - Monday 16 March 2020 2:53

I think that quite a compliment.