Intimacy: Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came....

By snortingspunk - 03/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 338

You deserved it 4 077

Intimacy

Walk the line

Boozehounds

Alexa, play "Panic" by The Smiths

By ChrisC - 10/07/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, my boss came to my cubicle to give me my annual performance bonus. I was asleep at my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 412

You deserved it 62 098

By Nigel - 13/07/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 388

You deserved it 13 288

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 229

You deserved it 16 659

By Anonymous - 23/07/2010 00:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 772

You deserved it 16 828

By Anonymous - 06/02/2017 05:00 - United States - Houston

Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 249

You deserved it 1 578

By Creep - 28/03/2009 00:24 - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 300

You deserved it 149 181

Family values

By Jaime and Cersei sittin in a tree - 04/11/2020 13:02 - United States - Madison

Today, I complimented my girlfriend on her new, very detailed bikini wax. She proudly said, "Thanks! Troy’s been doing them for me since the all the salons have been locked down." Troy is her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 126

Tis the season…

By naomi3271 - 29/11/2021 03:59 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I went early Xmas shopping for my daughter and almost spent my whole paycheck for the week on her, only to have some asshole grab my bag and run off, stealing all her gifts, all in front of a security guard and store employee, who did nothing to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 98

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 867

You deserved it 6 052

By s13495 - 24/10/2013 15:52 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 996

You deserved it 6 360

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 805

You deserved it 1 909

Submission

By Anonymous - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 413

You deserved it 1 814

By konichiwa - 02/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 821

You deserved it 34 519

By Brrrb - 05/03/2009 05:22 - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 971

You deserved it 8 073

By driver - 25/11/2009 22:24 - New Zealand

Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a longhaul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose. 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response: "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 518

You deserved it 2 629

By thinkimquitting - 25/06/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 949

You deserved it 2 560

By moerae - 03/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 803

You deserved it 603

By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 13:57 - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 132

You deserved it 2 346

By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 986

You deserved it 6 206

By Maleficia - 19/01/2017 08:25

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 822

You deserved it 1 460

By poluxe - 16/10/2011 21:08 - France

Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 189

You deserved it 7 887

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 448

You deserved it 6 317

By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 21:49 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 159

You deserved it 6 763

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 139

You deserved it 4 044

By Demotivation - 02/07/2013 14:35 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 365

You deserved it 3 070

By somebody - 08/06/2012 23:13 - United States - Lexington Park

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 291

You deserved it 2 066

By lonely - 15/04/2013 03:45 - United States

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house. After asking him what was wrong due to his weird attitude, he responded with, "This isn't working; I'm in love with my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 637

You deserved it 4 511

Just joking, dude!

By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 135

You deserved it 4 190

He's trying to kill you!

By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 803

You deserved it 199

By Anonymous - 01/03/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 992

You deserved it 45 677

By OiVey - 01/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 253

You deserved it 1 531

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 871

You deserved it 5 425

By paintfarts1976 - 10/05/2013 19:01 - Ireland - Mullingar

Today, my husband angrily accused me of cheating on him. It turns out he thinks that because I've been spending time with my brother recently, the two of us must be having some kind of incestuous affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 047

You deserved it 4 213

By Anonymous - 21/07/2015 17:50 - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 846

You deserved it 8 249

Hardly getting used to it

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 863

You deserved it 1 771

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 241

You deserved it 289

By lisa - 22/12/2010 18:03 - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 440

You deserved it 51 628

By Mary - 04/12/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 882

You deserved it 4 064

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 809

You deserved it 11 837

By LanaStidolph - 02/12/2017 06:00

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 466

You deserved it 388

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Top comments

ComoEsJuan 24

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:25

That's snot good.

UnidentifiedFun 37

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:29

Upon reading this FML I think I cringed harder than I ever have in my entire life. Fyl

ComoEsJuan 24

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:25

That's snot good.

derangedplanet 23

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:37

cum on? seriously with the puns again...:)))

Railroader 16

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:45

You just blew it

MissMollie_85 12

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Thursday 3 December 2015 20:28

Don't overerect!

coops456 14

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Thursday 3 December 2015 23:19

This comment chain was spectacular

PhinIt2WinIt 24

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Thursday 3 December 2015 23:26

*clap*fap*clap*

countryguy91290 16

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Friday 4 December 2015 1:18

Why is every one getting all spunky about it?

katachristic 19

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Friday 4 December 2015 4:56

Don't worry, it'll all blow over soon

derangedplanet 23

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Monday 7 December 2015 4:07

@80 how does that even work? do puns about girls sneezing cum on you turn you on? I've never really understood those jokes unless they're severely ironic.

Timmip12 9

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Saturday 13 February 2016 2:15

Are you dumb

corky1992 33

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:26

Gross lol.

joeyl2008 29

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Thursday 3 December 2015 20:13

Yeah it is. I think I'm going to stop sucking dick.

Mathalamus 24

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Thursday 3 December 2015 22:02

Agreed. Hence why I banned blowjobs for me in perpetuity.

Hammer1722 19

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Thursday 3 December 2015 23:01

Just cause it happened to one person doesn't mean it will happen to you.

Kinglue 17

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:26

Ahhh... C'mon you blew it...

cheeology 22

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:27

Well, Atleast you had 1/7th of an orgasm too?

Xion0014 20

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Thursday 3 December 2015 22:32

I thought sneezing was 1/10th of an orgasm xD

cheeology 22

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Friday 4 December 2015 14:16

Ugh I thought it was 1/6th... who knows anymore!

derangedplanet 23

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Thursday 3 December 2015 18:28

You're probably right....this sounds like a horrifying experience. I can't imagine it would feel good...plus it probably wouldn't all come out...awgh that'd be awful. worse than sneezing ramen

DarkusOmegaX 14

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Thursday 3 December 2015 19:32

How would you go about sneezing Ramen? It sounds like it hurts.

KK3137 31

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Thursday 3 December 2015 20:02

You eat it and then sneeze while it's still in your mouth. It happened to me while eating spaghetti bolognese, the pasta and meat went up into (and partly out of) my nose.

Bloodmorphed 7

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Thursday 3 December 2015 21:50

I sneezed out eggs before. was in a hurry to get to school so eating in the car. sneezed egg everywhere was funny as hell.

Xion0014 20

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Thursday 3 December 2015 22:33

I once sneezed grains of rice out of my nose xD

PhinIt2WinIt 24

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Friday 4 December 2015 1:09

i hate rice in your nose .... but i once was drinking root beer that was fresh, but it fizzed up and went up and out my nose... also painful

najraa 19

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Friday 4 December 2015 2:43

You should try sneezing when you have to throw up.. It was a very long time ago but i remember it like it was yesterday. The horror.

oiler 21

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Friday 4 December 2015 4:01

I remember having a bloody mouth. then sneezing out blood. It was horrid

derangedplanet 23

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Friday 4 December 2015 4:43

I have done every subject in this list. but I have never sneezed semen. hahaha. but dear god did I not mean to start this but what a beauty.

Vegan_Cannibal 19

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Saturday 12 March 2016 20:12

I've accidentally done every single one in this list. With rice, meat, while drinking something... Including the semen. It's not nice, I can assure you. But the worst part, undoubtedly, is feeling sticky inside your nose and be unable reach it and clean.