Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he...

By Eimii - 6/10/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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Work

Dangling modifier

Ghosted

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By me - 19/12/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

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By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/9/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

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By moon_paw - 28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2017 19:00

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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By Caqtusmonkey - 25/8/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

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By constipated - 3/6/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By anonymous - 10/8/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - 1/2/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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By kill me - 31/1/2009 15:30 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML

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By Kate - 17/10/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By kennarama - 16/2/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

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By mighthavepaidfortwodates - 28/3/2019 22:00

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

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By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By Ringo McDingo - 26/3/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 15:13 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

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By Anonymoose - 19/8/2016 20:06

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 14:28 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2017 06:00

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

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By Too much skin? - 18/2/2018 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

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By a_B_c_D_e_F_g - 27/6/2009 14:29 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - 20/10/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By shylahrc - 3/5/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

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By beerpong26 - 6/2/2009 19:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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By mydadforgetsme - 4/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By come on man - 29/11/2014 17:03 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 22:32 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

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By NoToBombs - 7/11/2014 15:51 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 17:00

Call CPS!

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

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By Amanda Ross - 18/11/2010 23:12 - United States

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

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Top comments

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

Comments

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

MimiKnox | 0

#606307 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:56

I'd ride his empty canon anytime.....we'll make history together

testname | 0

#606314 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:20

asd

testname | 0

#606316 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:23

aaa

saddream | 0

#606392 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 12:54

is he at least a silver fox? if so, go for it ^_~

GreenHacker | 0

#614873 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:19

YDI for leading him on and being a tease.

KittehKatt | 0

#1085056 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 17:25

how is she a tease..?
you don't know...

BoCo_fml | 9

#1111945 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 3:25

Is he rich?? If so marry him and get all the money when he dies!!! lol

By CHRIS1920 | 0

#606233 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

hahhah thats gay n nasty

xxchilloutxx | 0

#606300 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:44

Gay...how?

testname | 0

#606321 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:30

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6082376 - Monday 6 October 2014 5:18

The nasty part i see. But gay? How does that relate to this post at all?

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

9echo | 17

#5951203 - Tuesday 20 May 2014 15:36

What are you talking about? The guy just wants to adopt OP and have a father-daughter relationship, right? Right guys?

Right?

O_O

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606240 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

Hit that.

growingupnextmon | 3

#606285 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:14

Yeah but she would have to be gentle so he doesnt break a hip.

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606313 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:18

If she does it right, she'll break hers instead.

By sadiesykes | 0

#606241 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

eeep!

By TheGasMaskGuy | 0

#606246 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Gotta play the field.

By PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#606247 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Two Words: Sugar Daddy...

crzyry | 6

#606255 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

I have to agree with #8. I'll bet the OP wouldn't think this was an FML if he had offered her 10,000 dollars to sleep with him.

SD86 | 0

#2507572 - Saturday 14 May 2011 9:50

bahaha.

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5829996 - Friday 17 January 2014 16:58

I would think it's wrong even if he offered me a million

By Butcher_1419 | 0

#606252 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:38

sexy harassment time! I like!

By bluelabeled | 0

#606254 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

So you'd date someone 49 years your senior?

You could totally do them in their nursing home.

By JuuChan | 3

#606264 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:47

Hey, at least he told you in a letter instead of cornering you in a dark area of work and telling you with his hands. The old guy has some respect. Be grateful for that!

P.S. if he's rich, go for it!