Work: Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he...

By Eimii - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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Work

Dementia or hate? You decide

Weird kid

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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1886

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107

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By Bareital - 3/12/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom

Commando

Today, the same day I decided to stubbornly go commando because my lazy boyfriend hasn’t taken his turn to do our laundry in 4 days was also the day I split my shorts squatting down to pick up my bag at the bus stop. Ten strangers saw my bare asscrack, and two teenagers started cat calling me for my butt tattoo. FML

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By LCDhell - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

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32249

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By Username

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

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34968

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By DeniedAgain - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I'd had a quarter in my pocket. I find no change in my pocket once I get to the register, so I pull out my credit card. The cashier laughs a few seconds later. My card was declined for a piece of gum. FML

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By mr.palendrome - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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23239

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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55376

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By fatman - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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31599

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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33968

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By noname - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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29618

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By publicenemy - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By IwishIwashigh

Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML

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By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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37643

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By -_____- - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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49918

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

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By Rissa Warrington - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

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33732

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 20:01

Welcome

Today, I had to clean out my husband's brother's room as he is moving. The room was filled with childish toys, mould and years of dust covered everything. Behind and under every piece of furniture were earwax encrusted cotton swabs, hundreds of them. Oh yeah, he's moving in with us. FML

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By Allycat - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 02:00 - United States

Where's my dog?

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the dog sitter I'd left him with while I was on vacation. When I arrived at her house to pick him up, she said, "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about." and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t "leave her premises for trespassing." FML

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By Cerezo - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

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By pumpkinlover89 - United States

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

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By Porkchop05 - Canada

Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I was at the reading of my grandma's will. Apparently I was removed from it some time ago, and the £2,500 I would have gotten went to my cheating bitch of an ex-fiancée. It seems my grandma adored her, and never forgave me for "driving her away" from the family. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

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By AboutToGoKillBillOnSomeone - Australia - Newport

Today, I finally got my wedding photos in the mail. As I looked through them, I soon realized that the lace material on my wedding dress was completely see-through in the sunlight, and my bra and panties were visible in every single outdoor photo. I had an outdoor wedding. FML

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By oops

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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972

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1681

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By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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11182

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By blank - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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35443

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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32466

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By lamortdeshommes - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

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42838

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By Anonymous - United States - Tualatin

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

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20557

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By bbt

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

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3252

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By blahhhh - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

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58340

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By living_thedream - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By habbsrule - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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Top comments

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

COMMENTS

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

MimiKnox | 0

#606307 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:56

I'd ride his empty canon anytime.....we'll make history together

testname | 0

#606314 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:20

asd

testname | 0

#606316 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:23

aaa

saddream | 0

#606392 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 12:54

is he at least a silver fox? if so, go for it ^_~

GreenHacker | 0

#614873 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:19

YDI for leading him on and being a tease.

KittehKatt | 0

#1085056 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 17:25

how is she a tease..?
you don't know...

BoCo_fml | 9

#1111945 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 3:25

Is he rich?? If so marry him and get all the money when he dies!!! lol

By CHRIS1920 | 0

#606233 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

hahhah thats gay n nasty

xxchilloutxx | 0

#606300 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:44

Gay...how?

testname | 0

#606321 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:30

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6082376 - Monday 6 October 2014 5:18

The nasty part i see. But gay? How does that relate to this post at all?

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

9echo | 17

#5951203 - Tuesday 20 May 2014 15:36

What are you talking about? The guy just wants to adopt OP and have a father-daughter relationship, right? Right guys?

Right?

O_O

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606240 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

Hit that.

growingupnextmon | 3

#606285 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:14

Yeah but she would have to be gentle so he doesnt break a hip.

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606313 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:18

If she does it right, she'll break hers instead.

By sadiesykes | 0

#606241 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

eeep!

By TheGasMaskGuy | 0

#606246 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Gotta play the field.

By PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#606247 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Two Words: Sugar Daddy...

crzyry | 6

#606255 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

I have to agree with #8. I'll bet the OP wouldn't think this was an FML if he had offered her 10,000 dollars to sleep with him.

SD86 | 0

#2507572 - Saturday 14 May 2011 9:50

bahaha.

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5829996 - Friday 17 January 2014 16:58

I would think it's wrong even if he offered me a million

By Butcher_1419 | 0

#606252 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:38

sexy harassment time! I like!

By bluelabeled | 0

#606254 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

So you'd date someone 49 years your senior?

You could totally do them in their nursing home.

By JuuChan | 3

#606264 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:47

Hey, at least he told you in a letter instead of cornering you in a dark area of work and telling you with his hands. The old guy has some respect. Be grateful for that!

P.S. if he's rich, go for it!