Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he...

By Eimii - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dangling modifier

DINOSAURS!!

By AshWil - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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65619

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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3740

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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4628

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By nude - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By MommyProblems - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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47903

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By lexibabe - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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6827

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By fuck Star Wars - 14/9/2020 10:02

The Force is weak with this one

Today, I sat through 9 gruelling hours of Star Wars with my boyfriend. I hate those movies with a passion and frankly would rather get a pap smear from Wolverine than watch them. Afterwards, he dumped me for yawning, saying that I didn’t take a “serious” interest in his favorite things. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Killington

Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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27744

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By madmomma - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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31488

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By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00 - United States

Broke

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

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By Jordan - 12/11/2020 05:02 - United States - Herndon

Luck of the draw

Today, I waited 3 hours and paid $360 to have a routine tuneup done on my old car. As I pulled into my driveway, about to turn off the engine, one of my headlights blew. FML

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554

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By telefucked - United States

Today, my parents switched phone companies, which changed the phone number. Two days ago, I dropped off over 15 job applications with my 'old' number on all of them. There is a waiting period before I can reapply anywhere. FML

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32497

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my writing teacher entered in one of my paper grades wrong. After many emails, she said she can't change my grade unless I fax her the original. I need that grade fixed so I can keep my scholarship. I can’t find the paper anywhere. That one paper could cost me $30,000. FML

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By CriminalMistake - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

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By wakinginvegas87 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

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By JazzSpazz - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By otter - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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25498

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By - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Anon - United States - Sacramento

Today, I spent $70 on party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party, another hour decorating, three hours baking and designing a cake, before waiting five hours to hear that she and another bridesmaid had 'moved' the party elsewhere. Cake anyone? FML

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By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

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1352

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By Prego my ego - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

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47948

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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17576

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By LNamesOnly - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

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31542

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By danielle887 - United States

Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML

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43839

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

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By Ihatepants - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

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14832

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By brandiboobarry

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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30646

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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10661

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By bad blood, no shit - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

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26822

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Top comments

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

COMMENTS

By kyleenstar | 0

#606232 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

Now, Thats hot.

MimiKnox | 0

#606307 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:56

I'd ride his empty canon anytime.....we'll make history together

testname | 0

#606314 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:20

asd

testname | 0

#606316 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:23

aaa

saddream | 0

#606392 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 12:54

is he at least a silver fox? if so, go for it ^_~

GreenHacker | 0

#614873 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:19

YDI for leading him on and being a tease.

KittehKatt | 0

#1085056 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 17:25

how is she a tease..?
you don't know...

BoCo_fml | 9

#1111945 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 3:25

Is he rich?? If so marry him and get all the money when he dies!!! lol

By CHRIS1920 | 0

#606233 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:26

hahhah thats gay n nasty

xxchilloutxx | 0

#606300 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:44

Gay...how?

testname | 0

#606321 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:30

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6082376 - Monday 6 October 2014 5:18

The nasty part i see. But gay? How does that relate to this post at all?

By TurdMonkey | 0

#606239 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:29

dayumm what a pimp.

9echo | 17

#5951203 - Tuesday 20 May 2014 15:36

What are you talking about? The guy just wants to adopt OP and have a father-daughter relationship, right? Right guys?

Right?

O_O

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606240 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

Hit that.

growingupnextmon | 3

#606285 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 10:14

Yeah but she would have to be gentle so he doesnt break a hip.

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#606313 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 11:18

If she does it right, she'll break hers instead.

By sadiesykes | 0

#606241 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:31

eeep!

By TheGasMaskGuy | 0

#606246 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Gotta play the field.

By PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#606247 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:33

Two Words: Sugar Daddy...

crzyry | 6

#606255 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

I have to agree with #8. I'll bet the OP wouldn't think this was an FML if he had offered her 10,000 dollars to sleep with him.

SD86 | 0

#2507572 - Saturday 14 May 2011 9:50

bahaha.

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5829996 - Friday 17 January 2014 16:58

I would think it's wrong even if he offered me a million

By Butcher_1419 | 0

#606252 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:38

sexy harassment time! I like!

By bluelabeled | 0

#606254 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:41

So you'd date someone 49 years your senior?

You could totally do them in their nursing home.

By JuuChan | 3

#606264 - Tuesday 6 October 2009 9:47

Hey, at least he told you in a letter instead of cornering you in a dark area of work and telling you with his hands. The old guy has some respect. Be grateful for that!

P.S. if he's rich, go for it!