Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single...

By dumpedattheclub - 28/3/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

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Love

Serious times

Season finale

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By streaker? - 27/11/2015 14:21 - Germany - Langenhagen

Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

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By weddingbells - 25/1/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

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By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By K123 - 6/6/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

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By facepalm - 28/12/2010 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:11 - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

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By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By Blamethepostman - 16/9/2016 15:10

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

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By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By kayt240 - 4/5/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By NeverEndingBathtime_ - 3/8/2017 20:00

Today, my 2 year old is being potty trained. He got the gist of it and actually did #1 and #2 in the potty and after our little celebratory dance, I went to get him a cookie (it took me 2 seconds). I come back to see him covered in shit and pee because he tried to go empty the potty himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By robinhoood - 20/4/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

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By maxthomkell - 25/5/2016 03:51 - United States

Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

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By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By sucks - 12/3/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By ihatedogs - 22/6/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By nic - 1/4/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By management - 21/2/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - 21/9/2014 05:11 - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Danny - 7/1/2012 10:27 - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By imeanreallytho - 11/9/2015 16:20 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By Central - 29/10/2019 12:00

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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By joolsie - 13/4/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

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By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2017 12:00

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 21:48 - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By nirvana_mama157 - 28/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

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By Penguinsuit - 13/3/2018 01:30

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

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By cookiemonster - 13/8/2013 16:10 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 22:14 - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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Top comments

By darkfaery | 0

#64458 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:02

If you two are not married, then technically, she IS single. And if you don't want her to be single, then you ought to put a ring on it!

By Carolaaine | 0

#64441 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:47

As long as she doesn't try to kiss another boy (or boyS) you're quite safe.. It's just a song

COMMENTS

By Nofuckyourlife | 1

#64437 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

tsim_fml | 0

#2364698 - Sunday 17 April 2011 22:25

no thats what he gets for not saying "my girlfriend and i"

heyyitslo | 6

#2646135 - Thursday 9 June 2011 4:55

hahaha go grammar nazis!

bluerara912 | 12

#5579864 - Sunday 14 July 2013 16:35

I agree the club scene is beyond stupid

Riku714 | 25

#5710997 - Thursday 10 October 2013 13:51

You mean "that's" what he gets.
You may be a grammar nazi but you need work on your punctuation good Sir.

threer | 30

#5717374 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 19:37

Grammar altogether, actually...

By Carolaaine | 0

#64441 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:47

As long as she doesn't try to kiss another boy (or boyS) you're quite safe.. It's just a song

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3110634 - Monday 15 August 2011 6:44

Look at the name "dumpedattheclub" DUMPED at the club

By Jschro14 | 0

#64446 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:49

My girl loves that song and it makes me laugh every time I hear it too. Not really FML though. She was just into the song.

frolick123 | 0

#2624792 - Sunday 5 June 2011 18:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

shutterbug1190 | 14

#3210315 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 8:24

Dudes 23.... Lol...

MrsDruidess | 23

#6410369 - Monday 14 September 2015 9:01

the song is about marriage so yeah, in the context of the song, shes single.

By zoomster | 0

#64450 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:55

definitely not an fml

By Kick62 | 0

#64455 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:01

You're an insecure manchild, she is having some fun at a club, she's not blowing some guy in front of you

Jbiebs82 | 0

#985312 - Monday 26 April 2010 23:06

I luv ur pic

Jbiebs82 | 0

#1001934 - Saturday 22 May 2010 6:55

Everyone thinks your insecure.. and not an fml.. IT'S NOT AN FML!! She was havig fun!

By darkfaery | 0

#64458 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:02

If you two are not married, then technically, she IS single. And if you don't want her to be single, then you ought to put a ring on it!

ryguy1997 | 0

#973659 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:13

no not true if you are in a bf gf you are in a relationship so yeah go check your reasoning.

mathewneill | 0

#1615644 - Thursday 28 October 2010 12:01

ryguy you totally missed the point.have you got no sense of humour?

skizzlerz | 0

#2504636 - Friday 13 May 2011 23:31

actually yes she is technically single. at weddings they ask for all single women to catch the bouquet, and women with boyfriends are included in that.