Love: Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single...

By dumpedattheclub - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

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Love

Whatthefuckaburger

Work sucks, I know

Pleased to meet you

By laundry day again... - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 16:54

Clocked

Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baxter

Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

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By etahrabayraa - 27/6/2020 08:08

Instadrama

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

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By RyoKioKio

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

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By SpaceAstronaut - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

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By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By TheHezzer - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

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By master6

Today, I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 10/6/2020 14:19

My cousin the shitgibbon

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

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By Cougar - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

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By Che_likes_you - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By non-baker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By orcatheseapanda - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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By betrayed - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

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By best_friend - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By appropriatepolice - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

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By nohalloweenforus

Today, it's Halloween and my boss changed his mind at the last minute, telling us we're no longer allowed to carve pumpkins in our lunch hour because, "It would be too distracting". What are we supposed to do with 12 pumpkins now? FML

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By Anonymous

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By JeffeeBojangles - United States

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

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By oooops - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By Jacoobic

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

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By TooNoisy4Me - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By NoJob - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By promposer - United States - Dobbs Ferry

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

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By thx. - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

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By dangeronpa

Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

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By Vac - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

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By StillHurt - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By fuck you, dad - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By knoppad - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

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Top comments

By darkfaery | 0

#64458 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:02

If you two are not married, then technically, she IS single. And if you don't want her to be single, then you ought to put a ring on it!

By Carolaaine | 0

#64441 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:47

As long as she doesn't try to kiss another boy (or boyS) you're quite safe.. It's just a song

COMMENTS

By Nofuckyourlife | 1

#64437 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

tsim_fml | 0

#2364698 - Sunday 17 April 2011 22:25

no thats what he gets for not saying "my girlfriend and i"

heyyitslo | 6

#2646135 - Thursday 9 June 2011 4:55

hahaha go grammar nazis!

bluerara912 | 12

#5579864 - Sunday 14 July 2013 16:35

I agree the club scene is beyond stupid

Riku714 | 25

#5710997 - Thursday 10 October 2013 13:51

You mean "that's" what he gets.
You may be a grammar nazi but you need work on your punctuation good Sir.

threer | 30

#5717374 - Tuesday 15 October 2013 19:37

Grammar altogether, actually...

By Carolaaine | 0

#64441 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:47

As long as she doesn't try to kiss another boy (or boyS) you're quite safe.. It's just a song

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3110634 - Monday 15 August 2011 6:44

Look at the name "dumpedattheclub" DUMPED at the club

By Jschro14 | 0

#64446 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:49

My girl loves that song and it makes me laugh every time I hear it too. Not really FML though. She was just into the song.

frolick123 | 0

#2624792 - Sunday 5 June 2011 18:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

shutterbug1190 | 14

#3210315 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 8:24

Dudes 23.... Lol...

MrsDruidess | 23

#6410369 - Monday 14 September 2015 9:01

the song is about marriage so yeah, in the context of the song, shes single.

By zoomster | 0

#64450 - Saturday 28 March 2009 10:55

definitely not an fml

By Kick62 | 0

#64455 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:01

You're an insecure manchild, she is having some fun at a club, she's not blowing some guy in front of you

Jbiebs82 | 0

#985312 - Monday 26 April 2010 23:06

I luv ur pic

Jbiebs82 | 0

#1001934 - Saturday 22 May 2010 6:55

Everyone thinks your insecure.. and not an fml.. IT'S NOT AN FML!! She was havig fun!

By darkfaery | 0

#64458 - Saturday 28 March 2009 11:02

If you two are not married, then technically, she IS single. And if you don't want her to be single, then you ought to put a ring on it!

ryguy1997 | 0

#973659 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:13

no not true if you are in a bf gf you are in a relationship so yeah go check your reasoning.

mathewneill | 0

#1615644 - Thursday 28 October 2010 12:01

ryguy you totally missed the point.have you got no sense of humour?

skizzlerz | 0

#2504636 - Friday 13 May 2011 23:31

actually yes she is technically single. at weddings they ask for all single women to catch the bouquet, and women with boyfriends are included in that.