Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and must have rolled off. When I woke up, I noticed my braces were stuck to the rug. After frantically pulling, my mom finally sawed me off the rug with scissors. FML

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Body issues

No one likes a smart-ass

Time for the ER

By Sundendako - 27/1/2010 10:20 - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By aqua88 - 5/11/2009 15:26 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By PISSED - 7/11/2009 11:58 - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

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By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By moon_paw - 28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 16:42 - France - Beausoleil

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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By unicorn_skies - 18/1/2014 08:33 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - 2/6/2013 20:48 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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By emonsteadman - 28/5/2012 14:05 - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By ontherun2012 - 14/2/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 20:36 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By DEDMan - 28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By gircos - 30/4/2014 00:10 - United States - Westerly

Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 18:37 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, and the 4 months preceding it, my neighbors had been remodeling their house, which meant jackhammer noises every morning. The one day they take a break, my other neighbor decides to start a remodeling project. It'll only be two more months of this. FML

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By grem - 13/4/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 04:49

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

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By BillLumberg - 3/2/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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By getoffthephone - 30/3/2015 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

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By Nikki - 30/5/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - 24/1/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - 15/5/2014 12:02 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 22:02

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 05:27 - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

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By Butterfly - 8/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:58 - United States

Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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By downer - 25/5/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

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By ugh - 8/6/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - 19/2/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By wow - 9/8/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 14:01

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Pissed - 15/10/2012 19:57 - United States - Newton Center

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

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By Loot - 17/2/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

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By they've been broken up for a year. - 19/11/2012 07:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my girlfriend of 6 months yelled at me for not comforting her while she was crying because her ex got a new girlfriend, and "it's just not fair." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Charles City

A Natural Snack!

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

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