Health: Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 258

You deserved it 64

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 1 087

19/07/2017 20:00

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 925

You deserved it 934

This Charming Man

Walk on the wild side

New life

29/05/2012 22:24

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 542

You deserved it 4 898

08/11/2011 06:11

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 978

You deserved it 8 503

17/08/2011 06:50

Spicy

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 835

You deserved it 6 369

25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 787

You deserved it 557

21/05/2013 22:47

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 694

You deserved it 3 390

28/06/2009 18:44

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 383

You deserved it 49 653

09/01/2014 16:01

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 576

You deserved it 5 668

06/03/2012 18:55

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 746

You deserved it 23 285

19/08/2010 04:12

Spicy

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 613

You deserved it 4 185

09/01/2012 04:07

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 3 353

17/07/2012 00:58

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 657

You deserved it 3 249

08/03/2009 19:08

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 424

You deserved it 10 843

25/12/2010 00:00

Spicy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 334

You deserved it 7 747

Rock Bottom Riser

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 08:19

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 259

22/04/2016 03:30

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 615

You deserved it 12 146

25/11/2010 23:39

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 3 219

24/09/2012 19:16

Spicy

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 6 477

15/09/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 363

You deserved it 574

22/02/2010 00:31

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 841

You deserved it 2 874

No sex for you

By oops - 03/07/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, I gave my mom a shirt as a birthday present. Apparently, she already had the exact same shirt, so asked me for the receipt so she could return it and get a different one. When she read the receipt, she grounded me. I forgot I bought a box of condoms when I bought the shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 809

30/08/2014 16:40

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 636

You deserved it 6 666

23/02/2014 14:36

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 311

You deserved it 22 518

Don't feed the animals

By Sara - 22/09/2020 07:54

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 160

12/06/2012 13:02

Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 746

You deserved it 3 091

14/05/2016 00:58

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 292

You deserved it 1 240

21/12/2009 18:12

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 825

You deserved it 13 965

12/06/2012 11:58

Spicy

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 9 086

Get it on, bang a gong

By DrySpellcaster - 07/10/2020 16:57

Spicy

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 204

07/06/2011 20:07

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 320

You deserved it 11 803

12/11/2012 06:50

Today, on my way to school, I was shouted at by an obnoxious businessman for sitting down on the train when a "full fare paying passenger" was standing. I would normally have given him the seat straight away, except I have a broken leg. I showed him my leg and crutches. He still made me get up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 368

You deserved it 3 479

25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 175

25/12/2010 07:31

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 228

You deserved it 5 836

28/12/2012 15:14

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 436

You deserved it 15 988

25/02/2014 16:59

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 983

You deserved it 8 137

08/02/2012 11:27

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 092

You deserved it 2 069

03/02/2010 01:16

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 766

You deserved it 11 558

17/03/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 332

You deserved it 210

13/10/2008 08:31

Spicy

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 908

You deserved it 41 473

15/08/2018 20:30

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 702

You deserved it 418

16/01/2015 01:08

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 872

You deserved it 17 205

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 July 2017 20:20

This is totally understandable because we often forget our daily routines when we're absent from them for about a week. That alarm clock had to have been really terrifying!

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 July 2017 20:46

sigh. another I peed myself story. apparently bladder control is a big issue with people.

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 July 2017 20:20

This is totally understandable because we often forget our daily routines when we're absent from them for about a week. That alarm clock had to have been really terrifying!

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 July 2017 20:46

sigh. another I peed myself story. apparently bladder control is a big issue with people.

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Thursday 20 July 2017 3:14

Yeah, I have an insanely weak bladder, but even I'm like "Jesus people, enough already."

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 July 2017 23:05

such an alarmingly wake up call. hope you got enough sleep and had time to clean yourself up, or your co-workers may dispute your next vacation request.

Send a private message

Thursday 20 July 2017 9:28

Omg funniest thing I've read tonight

Send a private message

Thursday 20 July 2017 20:52

Wow.... you're a real pisser!

Cali 54

Send a private message

Friday 21 July 2017 16:52

I've never peed myself awake but I have fallen out of the bed. Mornings are difficult.