Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and...

By pissingcontest - 30/5/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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Miscellaneous

Assumptions

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Mixed signals

By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By Shawna - 2/1/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By lifestinks - 23/8/2009 03:29 - United States

Today, my work finally hired someone to replace some leaky pipes at work. I work in the basement by myself, and just as I walk under the newly fixed pipes, I get soaked with water. Apparently it was connected to a toilet. My boss couldn't find a replacement so they made me work covered in piss. FML

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By OhhhNooo - 14/3/2010 23:23 - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By 2ndchoice - 12/12/2009 15:47 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend's name instead of mine. FML

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By UHM - 6/10/2013 21:54 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By Mintspice - 19/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

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By not anymore - 30/10/2015 23:29 - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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By Bug8Frog - 30/7/2013 06:42 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2013 19:04 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By 11321 - 22/4/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By rhcp007 - 13/6/2017 17:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, I went to drop my little brother off at the nursery. As I walked in, a boy punched me in the dick and ran away. FML

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By Username - 27/5/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2012 15:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By jokada - 10/5/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

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By Erasmus - 27/10/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By Kimberly - 22/10/2009 12:26 - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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By :$ - 6/8/2012 22:08 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

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By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

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By WaitingByThePhone - 9/7/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

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By Annie - 31/8/2011 03:17 - United States

Waste

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 07:00 - United States

Today, I had an hour long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 04:00

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2012 22:00 - United States - Waterford

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

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By ItRainedOutside - 6/1/2013 08:49 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 08:45 - Canada

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

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By beanpole - 19/12/2016 19:34 - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

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By Finn - 5/7/2016 06:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

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By oppafucktardstyle - 14/10/2012 20:36 - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

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By pooraf - 4/8/2016 14:42 - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

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Top comments

By jengen | 0

#244372 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:46

that's definitely some serious pee session.

By HeyitsPheddy | 0

#244379 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:48

kinky.

COMMENTS

By XxDemonxX | 0

#244367 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:45

That sucks. but seriously you should of stood normal. one your focused on your man hood. stay alert. lmfao.

and first? ;D

jesbar95 | 10

#2418974 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:10

Maybe you should have stopped pissing.

Atomosk | 3

#4080715 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:57

That comment literally made no sense...

toxic_hippos | 11

#6071900 - Tuesday 23 September 2014 3:46

You can't just stop..

ILookAtFMLs | 13

#6139748 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 17:32

#77 Oh, wow. I thought it figuratively made no sense.

By jengen | 0

#244372 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:46

that's definitely some serious pee session.

ryguy997 | 0

#977421 - Saturday 10 April 2010 20:39

serious? hah lol

ryguy997 | 0

#977423 - Saturday 10 April 2010 20:40

a serious piss? WTF!?!? hah lol.

DAMN ANTI FLOOD!!!!!

By HeyitsPheddy | 0

#244379 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:48

kinky.

By BaldOuting | 0

#244382 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:49

YDI. end of story.

By Hazimius | 0

#244386 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:50

FYL for poor bladder control.

By arcturusvi | 0

#244389 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:51

That sucks. It's hard not to get too relaxed with those kinds of pisses.

By Lifey66 | 0

#244396 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:53

this is why its better to be a girl sometimes.

By plethora | 3

#244402 - Saturday 30 May 2009 9:56

"A serious piss"? Ahahaha.

Pissing r srs bizness!

By redbluegreen | 40

#244409 - Saturday 30 May 2009 10:03

Hahaha, I almost wish i was there to see that.

#8 made my day.

By rallets | 22

#244413 - Saturday 30 May 2009 10:07

jeez man, you sprayed all over me. there i am, taking a piss, when all of a sudden, OLD FAITHFUL out of nowhere.

ryguy997 | 0

#977426 - Saturday 10 April 2010 20:42

HAHAHAHAHA ROFLMAO!

DAMN ANTI FLOOD!!!!!!!!

DAMN ANTI FLOOD!!!!!!!!