Miscellaneous: Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed... - FML

By Sarah - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

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Proactive

Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By doilookold

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Bye gifts

Today, it seemed like a great day. Right up until the point to where I accidentally damaged a friend's MacBook Pro. Not only do I have to pay for it, but the only way I'll be able to afford it is by returning every single Christmas gift I get. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

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By skid kid - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

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By butterbody - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 17:03

That ship has sailed

Today, I realized there’s no point in maintaining a friendship of 20 years. I stopped texting my friend three weeks ago and he never noticed. I texted him daily for at least the past ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Jordan - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By need new job - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By 464424 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML

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By Kait - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

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By Backed up - United States

Help me

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language, "I need a suppository." FML

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By do your own ironing

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudsonville

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

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By SLAB_GIRL15 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By yeah why not - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By Azure_Mist - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

Can't handle it

Today, I feel hung over. Don’t feel up to anything except slouching on the sofa, nursing my headache. Must have been one hell of a party, lots of booze, right? Actually, all I did was go to bed at 11:30 last night, instead of my usual 8.30. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

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By anon - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

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By ang3l4 - United States - Redding

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 08:01

Time to move out

Today, I'm spending $1,400 on rent each month to hear my upstairs neighbor walk from one end of their apartment to the other, and then back again. This occurs pretty much all day and all night. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 a.m. from the banging of steps. My other neighbor played his music so loud, I felt it through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

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By -_- - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By Arizonagirl - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

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Top comments

By xxhollilollixx | 6

#5302594 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

By heythere131630 | 9

#5302606 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

COMMENTS

By ICastillo | 24

#5302593 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Uh oh he is going to start a new tradition on New Years.

Happy New Years! Now here are the divorce papers. Got to start the New Years off right I guess..

Reply

pieman528 | 10

#5302950 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:49

At least he got one of his resolutions done. That's quite admirable in my opinion.

By xxhollilollixx | 6

#5302594 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5302713 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

Well, that's a new one!

Reply

MrPlopper | 9

#5302878 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:28

*cock juggling thundercunt

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5303181 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:17

Penis monger.

Reply

UncleMuscles | 5

#5303221 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:40

Individual of ill manners.

Reply

JONNBOY88 | 9

#5303223 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:43

Butt goblin?

Reply

realSlimjimShady | 7

#5303412 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:38

Cum guzzler

Reply

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5303711 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:13

For some reason 2's picture just makes this so much better

Reply

Brett41 | 10

#5304194 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 6:52

cockholster..

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304711 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:53

I'm sticking to asscandle. God, I love that word.

Reply

dunebro | 15

#5305347 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:12

This is as subjective as it can get.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5306553 - Thursday 3 January 2013 6:21

sperm nugget?

By lyskiss | 10

#5302596 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Great way to start the year!

By TheUnknown_fml | 9

#5302598 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

I'm sorry for you OP :(

By heythere131630 | 9

#5302606 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5302672 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:38

Asscandle? Asshat? Assfucker? Assbottle?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5302698 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:43

Ass muncher, Ass strangler, Ass puppet, Ass gremlin.....

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5302707 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

fuckass

Reply

GothickNihilist | 15

#5302744 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:54

Maybe excrement delivery system. :(

Reply

perdix | 29

#5302987 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:07

#5, that's what adjectives and adverbs are for.

Reply

expertsmilee | 26

#5303189 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:22

Ass cricket

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5303214 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:37

Fucking ass dick prick

Reply

Misskayfoyer | 14

#5303457 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:00

Cum guzzling ass muncher?

Reply

perdix | 29

#5303669 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:58

May I interest you in a 2011 Douchenozzle with dual overhead cams and 9, count 'em, 9 cup holders?

It's more powerful than even a 2013 Asshole.

Reply

lowshadows | 21

#5305135 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 13:54

shithead

Reply

dunebro | 15

#5305342 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:11

Why is he an asshole?

By xSunnyOlivia | 17

#5302607 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

Oh I'm so sorry. Maybe you're not sorry, maybe he was a dick. Oh shit i'm not very good in these kinds of situations..

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304721 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:55

Is it just me or does #6 apologize in a lot of her comments?

By Kradle2022 | 2

#5302613 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

sometimes life gives you lemons,now it is divorce papers,sucks for you op :(

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5302738 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:53

OP's husband's name is life? That's pretty awesome.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5303008 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:22

When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a papercut.

Reply

samasara | 20

#5303044 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:39

I know someone named Leif. It's pronounced as life, though. It's pretty cool, too.

Reply

yoursucklives | 36

#5303105 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:58

sometimes, you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304726 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:57

When life gives me lemons, I make beef stew.

Reply

yahtzeesouls | 12

#6583792 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 21:24

Just make sure to put those lemons to good use. Lemon grenades perchance

By howdeedoo | 22

#5302622 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:30

Well, at least you can find someone better now

By bubblebuddy22 | 3

#5302624 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

ouch I'm sorry

By UltimateGIRness | 16

#5302633 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

You should have gave him a midnight kick in the balls

Reply

scta | 13

#5303717 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:18

given*

Reply

UltimateGIRness | 16

#5303853 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:37

96- sorry,I didn't notice my mistake