Miscellaneous: Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed... - FML

By Sarah - 01/01/2013 15:15 - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 019

You deserved it 5 534

Good kid

Great parenting, dude

Panic

By Anonymous - 17/04/2017 08:00 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 121

You deserved it 576

By Anonymous - 24/01/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 324

You deserved it 6 908

By The Last One - 11/03/2012 06:39 - Canada

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 724

You deserved it 2 222

By Anonymous - 04/06/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 932

You deserved it 6 089

By Anonymous - 14/06/2019 00:01

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 137

Looking for love in Alderaan places

By not4geeks - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 647

You deserved it 73 896

By sleepy125 - 23/01/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, the first guy I've ever loved is going to a fancy rush party with my best friend. He did tell me he needed space to think about us this whole weekend. I guess I know what he's been thinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 184

You deserved it 2 022

By perpetuallyscrewed - 06/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 804

You deserved it 2 169

By holler - 15/09/2011 04:22 - Japan

Spicy

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 046

You deserved it 3 130

By Powerfool - 07/04/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 970

You deserved it 10 694

By LightsOut - 03/05/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 481

You deserved it 3 118

By dmlk - 10/12/2008 11:09 - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 964

You deserved it 5 102

By Rothaar - 26/01/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 203

You deserved it 2 329

A nightmare

By charapos - 05/11/2021 08:00

Today, at 4.20 a.m., I'm awake, scrolling through this app for no reason other than to procrastinate going to sleep and having to deal with yet more inevitable nightmares and weird dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 136

By nattnatt73 - 10/09/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 787

You deserved it 1 858

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 14:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 590

You deserved it 13 052

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 16:18 - United States - Surprise

Spicy

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 894

You deserved it 9 094

By Anonymous - 20/09/2009 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 012

You deserved it 6 575

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, my boss told me that he is really getting scared of Covid-19. He's too cheap for tests. His solution? He'll work from home for 2 weeks while I meet with all employees 1-1. If I don’t get sick, he'll feel OK coming back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 94

By Mitch - 08/11/2016 04:50

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 057

You deserved it 736

By Jamestown of Vagina - 13/09/2014 14:36 - United States - Houston

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 600

You deserved it 3 709

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 277

You deserved it 2 038

By chelseaface - 21/01/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 530

You deserved it 3 613

By soapgirl - 13/08/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 405

You deserved it 64 900

By Flyier - 30/09/2017 04:30

Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 872

You deserved it 260

Teenagers…

By LieutenantDimwit - 30/04/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 126

By Thanks - 27/11/2009 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 302

You deserved it 49 409

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 02:05 - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 946

You deserved it 2 607

By nobody asked you! - 25/03/2019 21:00 - United States - New York

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a "talent fee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 528

You deserved it 180

By nofunforme - 25/06/2019 12:00 - United States - Candler

Spicy

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 841

You deserved it 413

By Wife - 08/08/2011 00:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 356

You deserved it 6 620

By Alice - 28/08/2013 10:33 - United States - Happy Valley

Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 069

You deserved it 5 365

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 3 873

By fuck you right back, cockspit - 14/02/2014 21:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 586

You deserved it 8 307

By ThreeTimesUnlucky - 17/10/2012 18:52 - South Africa - Edenvale

Today, I received another letter of rejection from the university of my dreams. I got it the first time, but thanks for reminding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 009

You deserved it 2 178

By arrrrggggghhhh - 04/03/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 996

You deserved it 5 163

By lucasbeck99 - 31/03/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 241

You deserved it 3 828

By thunder thighs - 11/02/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 444

You deserved it 6 268

Facebook's moderation sucks

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 07:01 - United States - Afton

Today, I got put in Facebook jail for telling a guy fat shaming a girl he was a "s*x*st b*st*rd." Immediately after, FB informed me that a person I reported for threats didn't violate community standards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 296

By man-period? - 02/03/2016 06:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 356

You deserved it 1 619

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Top comments

xxhollilollixx 6

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

heythere131630 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

Comments

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Uh oh he is going to start a new tradition on New Years. Happy New Years! Now here are the divorce papers. Got to start the New Years off right I guess..

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:49

At least he got one of his resolutions done. That's quite admirable in my opinion.

xxhollilollixx 6

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

Well, that's a new one!

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:28

*cock juggling thundercunt

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:17

Penis monger.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:40

Individual of ill manners.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:43

Butt goblin?

realSlimjimShady 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:38

Cum guzzler

Pretty_reckless_fml 18

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:13

For some reason 2's picture just makes this so much better

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 6:52

cockholster..

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:53

I'm sticking to asscandle. God, I love that word.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:12

This is as subjective as it can get.

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Thursday 3 January 2013 6:21

sperm nugget?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Great way to start the year!

TheUnknown_fml 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

I'm sorry for you OP :(

heythere131630 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:38

Asscandle? Asshat? Assfucker? Assbottle?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:43

Ass muncher, Ass strangler, Ass puppet, Ass gremlin.....

botanistjessica 24

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

fuckass

GothickNihilist 15

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:54

Maybe excrement delivery system. :(

perdix 29

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:07

#5, that's what adjectives and adverbs are for.

expertsmilee 26

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:22

Ass cricket

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:37

Fucking ass dick prick

Misskayfoyer 14

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:00

Cum guzzling ass muncher?

perdix 29

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:58

May I interest you in a 2011 Douchenozzle with dual overhead cams and 9, count 'em, 9 cup holders? It's more powerful than even a 2013 Asshole.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 13:54

shithead

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:11

Why is he an asshole?

xSunnyOlivia 17

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

Oh I'm so sorry. Maybe you're not sorry, maybe he was a dick. Oh shit i'm not very good in these kinds of situations..

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:55

Is it just me or does #6 apologize in a lot of her comments?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

sometimes life gives you lemons,now it is divorce papers,sucks for you op :(

BlowinChronic 18

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:53

OP's husband's name is life? That's pretty awesome.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:22

When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a papercut.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:39

I know someone named Leif. It's pronounced as life, though. It's pretty cool, too.

yoursucklives 36

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:58

sometimes, you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:57

When life gives me lemons, I make beef stew.

yahtzeesouls 12

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 21:24

Just make sure to put those lemons to good use. Lemon grenades perchance

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:30

Well, at least you can find someone better now

bubblebuddy22 3

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

ouch I'm sorry

UltimateGIRness 16

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

You should have gave him a midnight kick in the balls

scta 13

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:18

given*

UltimateGIRness 16

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:37

96- sorry,I didn't notice my mistake

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 137

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 89