Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed... - FML

By Sarah - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

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Understandable

Horsing around

Still pining

By - United States - Spokane

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By Lizzie - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

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By CatLover - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By crashednowcrushed - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By sadcase - Australia

Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML

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By WishesWasDeaf - United States

Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included "I want to go to the car" followed by "Me too, but I don't have a condom." FML

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By Dr.Octopus454 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

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By mooseknuckle - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

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By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By lol - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By Raaaaage - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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By weirdedout - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

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By girlllll - Denmark

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

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By furryballoon - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

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By max - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By potatohead

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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By Jen1444 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By _TaToRtOt_ - United States

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

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By PureFallPain

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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By BrokenVow - Canada

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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Top comments

By xxhollilollixx | 6

#5302594 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

By heythere131630 | 9

#5302606 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

COMMENTS

By ICastillo | 24

#5302593 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Uh oh he is going to start a new tradition on New Years.

Happy New Years! Now here are the divorce papers. Got to start the New Years off right I guess..

Reply

pieman528 | 10

#5302950 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:49

At least he got one of his resolutions done. That's quite admirable in my opinion.

By xxhollilollixx | 6

#5302594 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

What a cock gargler.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5302713 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

Well, that's a new one!

Reply

MrPlopper | 9

#5302878 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:28

*cock juggling thundercunt

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5303181 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:17

Penis monger.

Reply

UncleMuscles | 5

#5303221 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:40

Individual of ill manners.

Reply

JONNBOY88 | 9

#5303223 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:43

Butt goblin?

Reply

realSlimjimShady | 7

#5303412 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:38

Cum guzzler

Reply

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5303711 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:13

For some reason 2's picture just makes this so much better

Reply

Brett41 | 10

#5304194 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 6:52

cockholster..

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304711 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:53

I'm sticking to asscandle. God, I love that word.

Reply

dunebro | 15

#5305347 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:12

This is as subjective as it can get.

Reply

ajeppsen | 25

#5306553 - Thursday 3 January 2013 6:21

sperm nugget?

By lyskiss | 10

#5302596 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

Great way to start the year!

By TheUnknown_fml | 9

#5302598 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

I'm sorry for you OP :(

By heythere131630 | 9

#5302606 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

This is a situation when the term "asshole" just isn't quite strong enough.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5302672 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:38

Asscandle? Asshat? Assfucker? Assbottle?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5302698 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:43

Ass muncher, Ass strangler, Ass puppet, Ass gremlin.....

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5302707 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

fuckass

Reply

GothickNihilist | 15

#5302744 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:54

Maybe excrement delivery system. :(

Reply

perdix | 29

#5302987 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:07

#5, that's what adjectives and adverbs are for.

Reply

expertsmilee | 26

#5303189 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:22

Ass cricket

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5303214 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:37

Fucking ass dick prick

Reply

Misskayfoyer | 14

#5303457 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:00

Cum guzzling ass muncher?

Reply

perdix | 29

#5303669 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:58

May I interest you in a 2011 Douchenozzle with dual overhead cams and 9, count 'em, 9 cup holders?

It's more powerful than even a 2013 Asshole.

Reply

lowshadows | 21

#5305135 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 13:54

shithead

Reply

dunebro | 15

#5305342 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 16:11

Why is he an asshole?

By xSunnyOlivia | 17

#5302607 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

Oh I'm so sorry. Maybe you're not sorry, maybe he was a dick. Oh shit i'm not very good in these kinds of situations..

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304721 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:55

Is it just me or does #6 apologize in a lot of her comments?

By Kradle2022 | 2

#5302613 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

sometimes life gives you lemons,now it is divorce papers,sucks for you op :(

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5302738 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:53

OP's husband's name is life? That's pretty awesome.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5303008 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:22

When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a papercut.

Reply

samasara | 20

#5303044 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:39

I know someone named Leif. It's pronounced as life, though. It's pretty cool, too.

Reply

yoursucklives | 36

#5303105 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:58

sometimes, you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5304726 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:57

When life gives me lemons, I make beef stew.

Reply

yahtzeesouls | 12

#6583792 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 21:24

Just make sure to put those lemons to good use. Lemon grenades perchance

By howdeedoo | 22

#5302622 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:30

Well, at least you can find someone better now

By bubblebuddy22 | 3

#5302624 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

ouch I'm sorry

By UltimateGIRness | 16

#5302633 - Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

You should have gave him a midnight kick in the balls

Reply

scta | 13

#5303717 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 1:18

given*

Reply

UltimateGIRness | 16

#5303853 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:37

96- sorry,I didn't notice my mistake