Transportation: Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't...

By longdrive - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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Transportation

Late term

Sharing is caring

Great parenting, dude

By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By allocomrade - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By outagrand - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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By veggiepower11028

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Angelo

Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML

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By A2 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

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By BarhydtBran - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

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By Ruinedchristmas - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML

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By buccaneer - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

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By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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By guh - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By SkyDiver

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By sad child - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 05:59

Not quite there yet

Today, I was denied entry into Hong Kong after flying here from Canada and paying thousands of uncancellable dollars for quarantine hotel and other plans, because the immigration company fucked up. FML

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By drummerboy - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats > Babies

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning, he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that he was playing with the cat again. FML

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By dane - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

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By mandapanda - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By firefliiez - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

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By annonn - Brunei Darussalam - Bandar Seri Begawan

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

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By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

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By bananna - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By seriouslystupid - United States

Today, I got it on for the first time with a guy I've been dating. He had to turn the TV up loud so that his mom couldn't hear anything. I'm 20 years old and I lost my virginity with Disney Channel blaring in the background. FML

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By ryan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

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Top comments

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

COMMENTS

By Hiktmae | 20

#6089472 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

I have eternal respect for those guys :))

sayyestothedress | 24

#6089640 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:58

Noise cancelling headphones will do the trick!

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

pjsr | 32

#6089649 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 21:19

YLF

By rekkas | 16

#6089474 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Aww but Star Wars is the best

MidnaLink | 32

#6089518 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 18:22

There are some people who don't actually think so. Shocking, I know!

cp399 | 14

#6089613 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:20

Not for fifteen hourse, it isn't

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6089875 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:02

#31 I beg to differ

MidnaLink | 32

#6089886 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:35

Well, you're a fangirl. Of course you'd say it.

Box0choklitz | 8

#6090529 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 23:39

A Star Wars fan, OP is not.

orbit | 22

#6091541 - Friday 17 October 2014 6:31

Is it bad I have never seen star wars?

By jaimlee2 | 9

#6089475 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Gotta love it

By devildog562 | 33

#6089476 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Turn up the music and heat. Annoyed they will be.

tony1891 | 22

#6089641 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:59

then you can sing along to "i did it all for the wookie"

By patsrock12bh | 7

#6089478 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Prepare for the greatest car ride of your life!

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

devildog562 | 33

#6089486 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:54

Please put your Hans together for enslaved .

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6089632 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:43

I bet OP wants to Leia smack upside their heads.

redstone7693 | 29

#6089837 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 3:48

great puns

shanebob | 15

#6089920 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 6:47

I bet she's going tObi Wan unhappy driver

EchoSerenity | 15

#6090308 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:15

You guys must of ate awesome for breakfast ^-^

By DrewBob9623 | 10

#6089480 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:51

You got 2 socks. One in each mouth. Problem solved.

By blackonblight | 32

#6089482 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

That sounds like hell. Time to break out a counter irritant. Show tunes, perhaps? Or the song that never ends?

YellowKettleBell | 31

#6089857 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 4:42

stock up on the beef jerky and gas-station beans then let-er-rip!

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6089483 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

Hang on, you must!