Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't...

By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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Transportation

Serious times

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

My body, my choice

By picaru - 21/6/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By Embarassed - 15/3/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

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By SeagullsShouldDie - 28/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - 10/12/2013 06:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By jwolt92 - 25/10/2016 02:27 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

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By hwscrewed - 10/11/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

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By wellokaythen - 14/5/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By neverakid - 14/4/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By Z'ev - 5/4/2013 16:34 - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By Steve - 28/4/2012 13:57 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a home-wrecker. FML

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By okseñoryoucrazy - 2/2/2015 00:43 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 12:00 - United States

Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - 15/4/2017 19:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By ShootMe - 7/9/2017 23:15

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2013 09:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - 4/10/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By Arizonagirl - 6/11/2016 07:31 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

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By "mbrider" - 12/8/2017 16:00

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By future missing person maker person thingy - 11/10/2012 20:37 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 05:28 - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

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By luckygirl - 6/6/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

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By ladyhavery - 28/6/2010 13:28 - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

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By meesh22 - 6/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2017 22:00

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By hozzyandie - 14/12/2010 18:02 - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By Michael - 25/10/2011 15:00 - Australia

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

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By yuhan - 22/7/2018 19:00

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

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By thisrllysucks - 5/9/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Gilroy

Today, I was heading out for my flight to Australia. I'd put a padlock on my luggage to keep my wallet and passport safe, only to realize way too late that I'd left the key at home. I couldn't get at my passport and ended up missing my flight and my whole vacation along with it. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By no more tp - 17/2/2011 06:22

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By Earthling - 25/8/2016 02:20 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By DED - 21/3/2019 12:00 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By unicornlovet - 23/2/2019 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I filled in for my absent pregnant co-worker like I have done since she went on disability a month ago, at the job I’ve been doing for 15 months. Today the replacement they hired also came to work, and I had to train her since she has more experience and got the maternity leave position over me. FML

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Top comments

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

COMMENTS

By Hiktmae | 20

#6089472 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

I have eternal respect for those guys :))

sayyestothedress | 24

#6089640 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:58

Noise cancelling headphones will do the trick!

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

pjsr | 32

#6089649 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 21:19

YLF

By rekkas | 16

#6089474 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Aww but Star Wars is the best

MidnaLink | 32

#6089518 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 18:22

There are some people who don't actually think so. Shocking, I know!

cp399 | 14

#6089613 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:20

Not for fifteen hourse, it isn't

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6089875 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:02

#31 I beg to differ

MidnaLink | 32

#6089886 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:35

Well, you're a fangirl. Of course you'd say it.

Box0choklitz | 8

#6090529 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 23:39

A Star Wars fan, OP is not.

orbit | 22

#6091541 - Friday 17 October 2014 6:31

Is it bad I have never seen star wars?

By jaimlee2 | 9

#6089475 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Gotta love it

By devildog562 | 33

#6089476 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Turn up the music and heat. Annoyed they will be.

tony1891 | 22

#6089641 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:59

then you can sing along to "i did it all for the wookie"

By patsrock12bh | 7

#6089478 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Prepare for the greatest car ride of your life!

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

devildog562 | 33

#6089486 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:54

Please put your Hans together for enslaved .

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6089632 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:43

I bet OP wants to Leia smack upside their heads.

redstone7693 | 29

#6089837 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 3:48

great puns

shanebob | 15

#6089920 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 6:47

I bet she's going tObi Wan unhappy driver

EchoSerenity | 15

#6090308 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:15

You guys must of ate awesome for breakfast ^-^

By DrewBob9623 | 10

#6089480 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:51

You got 2 socks. One in each mouth. Problem solved.

By blackonblight | 32

#6089482 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

That sounds like hell. Time to break out a counter irritant. Show tunes, perhaps? Or the song that never ends?

YellowKettleBell | 31

#6089857 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 4:42

stock up on the beef jerky and gas-station beans then let-er-rip!

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6089483 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

Hang on, you must!