Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't...

By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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Transportation

Everyone's an expert

Caught red-handed

You snooze, you lose

By quickfingers100 - 22/5/2011 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

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By SpongeAbii2 - 24/1/2012 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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By allykat - 3/12/2014 00:56 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML

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By Username - 5/8/2011 14:05 - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

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By snitcheyes - 9/11/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

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By automotive glass tech - 21/1/2016 18:09 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

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By snapped - 13/11/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By miss cranky pants - 30/10/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2015 07:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 16:25 - Serbia - Beograd

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By dontbadouche - 1/2/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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By TheSuregeon - 18/3/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

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By Carlah - 17/3/2020 20:30

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - 21/1/2010 20:16 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By Bee - 8/6/2011 00:13 - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Sbfreak510 - 16/10/2009 16:30 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work and I put on yesterday's jeans. While at my meeting an employee asked me if 'that' was mine and pointed to something on the floor next to me. Which was yesterday's underwear. FML

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By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By WTA - 20/2/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 05:10 - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

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By mook05 - 21/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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By thisblows - 16/3/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my girlfriend had sold all of my N64 and Atari games and both the consoles and bought me a PS4 with the money. While I was standing there in shock, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "I know, I'm the greatest." FML

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By "catty_13" - 26/9/2017 13:00

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I've received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it's the best way to improve the company. FML

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By neverleavingthehouseagain - 8/12/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 05:06 - Kazakhstan

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend to break up with me. I was upset. One minute later another text from her said "sorry, wrong person." FML

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By notagoodtime - 6/2/2016 20:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

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By syco - 28/12/2010 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By Dejected - 7/12/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven't actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks since he is deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle, in Call of Duty. FML

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By schooyou101 - 4/12/2012 00:53 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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By Blah - 10/10/2019 06:01

Unloveable

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

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By a cat named tiddles - 30/3/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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By brokeandalone - 21/11/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/5/2020 02:00

Late arrival

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 17:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

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By thelarkscaw - 15/6/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

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By cogu - 3/2/2010 19:34 - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

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By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

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Top comments

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

Comments

By Hiktmae | 20

#6089472 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

I have eternal respect for those guys :))

sayyestothedress | 24

#6089640 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:58

Noise cancelling headphones will do the trick!

By catswithhats | 13

#6089473 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Feel sorry for you, I do.

pjsr | 32

#6089649 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 21:19

YLF

By rekkas | 16

#6089474 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:48

Aww but Star Wars is the best

MidnaLink | 32

#6089518 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 18:22

There are some people who don't actually think so. Shocking, I know!

cp399 | 14

#6089613 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:20

Not for fifteen hourse, it isn't

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6089875 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:02

#31 I beg to differ

MidnaLink | 32

#6089886 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 5:35

Well, you're a fangirl. Of course you'd say it.

Box0choklitz | 8

#6090529 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 23:39

A Star Wars fan, OP is not.

orbit | 22

#6091541 - Friday 17 October 2014 6:31

Is it bad I have never seen star wars?

By jaimlee2 | 9

#6089475 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Gotta love it

By devildog562 | 33

#6089476 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:49

Turn up the music and heat. Annoyed they will be.

tony1891 | 22

#6089641 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:59

then you can sing along to "i did it all for the wookie"

By patsrock12bh | 7

#6089478 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Prepare for the greatest car ride of your life!

By Enslaved | 36

#6089479 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:50

Bet you wish you were Solo?.

devildog562 | 33

#6089486 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:54

Please put your Hans together for enslaved .

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6089632 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 20:43

I bet OP wants to Leia smack upside their heads.

redstone7693 | 29

#6089837 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 3:48

great puns

shanebob | 15

#6089920 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 6:47

I bet she's going tObi Wan unhappy driver

EchoSerenity | 15

#6090308 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:15

You guys must of ate awesome for breakfast ^-^

By DrewBob9623 | 10

#6089480 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:51

You got 2 socks. One in each mouth. Problem solved.

By blackonblight | 32

#6089482 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

That sounds like hell. Time to break out a counter irritant. Show tunes, perhaps? Or the song that never ends?

YellowKettleBell | 31

#6089857 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 4:42

stock up on the beef jerky and gas-station beans then let-er-rip!

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6089483 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 17:52

Hang on, you must!