Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my... - FML

By birthdaygirl - 11/3/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Generosity

Yappy neighborhood

By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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By lovingpsychosis - 26/5/2011 07:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

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By Lickmebaby - 12/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By Iris - 12/10/2016 13:53 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today I bought a 50$ voucher card to refill my phone. After I purchased it, I threw the receipt in the dustbin. When I got home, I found out that the 14-digit pin code was on the receipt. I basically threw 57 bucks in the dustbin. FML

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By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By HitbyIce - 7/2/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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By Username - 28/7/2010 11:20 - France

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was "So does yours." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 12:37 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By ragsy - 14/8/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML

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By Justus Buhler - 3/3/2017 02:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

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By Username - 17/5/2012 14:37 - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 16:00 - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By omfgnooo - 9/9/2011 23:22 - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By tinaburrito - 26/1/2010 21:33 - France

Today, I found out my bank account was in the negative because my work gave me a check that didn't clear. I went to my bank to get a statement of charges so my job could reimburse me. They told me requesting a statement costs 8 dollars, which I don't have because my account is in the negative. FML

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By Makeitdance - 11/5/2014 14:46 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By dateless - 21/9/2012 11:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2016 21:35 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By lovethateuropeanblood - 8/12/2014 14:12 - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

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By frustrated - 3/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Gosport

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

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By wsumt - 29/1/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

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By scaredshitless - 10/4/2019 18:00

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

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By SwaggyP - 9/5/2019 16:00

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 21:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

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By inchetogb - 15/1/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 04:27 - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - 24/7/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By thenewgirlfriend - 26/5/2013 14:15 - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

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By pwib - 18/3/2012 07:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By Bridget - 28/8/2019 18:00

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

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By pontwa - 23/8/2015 13:45 - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

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By Fuckup - 5/8/2013 18:09 - United States - Naples

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By Lazy - 20/9/2009 12:03 - Australia

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

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By Boo - 14/7/2011 08:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By 3lavyaa - 7/10/2009 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By bummerdood - 26/8/2012 04:15 - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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Top comments

By GameRater01 | 0

#26267 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:31

awww, happy birthday from me and other random strangers on the internet, at least

By amelinat | 0

#26266 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:30

At least its not as bad as that guy that got the Nickelback CD

COMMENTS

By amelinat | 0

#26266 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:30

At least its not as bad as that guy that got the Nickelback CD

Reply

Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#3165372 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 10:44

Oh man I would've laughed so hard at you, you have no idea

Reply

Zareen | 0

#3794702 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:22

Hope ur birthday lasted better later on!!

Reply

BillyDisselhorst | 3

#4366158 - Saturday 28 April 2012 17:06

Why is it only girls see the need to show everybody its their birthday. Unless were dating or your a close friend I couldn't give a shit.

By GameRater01 | 0

#26267 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:31

awww, happy birthday from me and other random strangers on the internet, at least

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#941143 - Saturday 13 March 2010 3:55

happy birthday!!!!! or, non-happy birthday????

By MadRhetoric | 0

#26288 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:07

happy birthday, sorry it was a rough one.

By Tarion | 0

#26303 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:37

Oh God. That's not a very happy birthday.

Heels are the devil. Sensible shoes are very much for the win.

By Thrice | 0

#26306 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:42

#1 bahahahaha Good call. I love you for saying that.
And that is just total balls, hope the rest of the birthday went well

By billchilled | 0

#26308 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:44

My birthday was yesterday to. That sucks more then having honey n maple syrup poured on your head from a condom and then having 5 giant bags of chips poured on you though.

Reply

Daft_Punk709 | 0

#986500 - Thursday 29 April 2010 8:23

OMG! I hate when that happens to me!!!!

By z4opv14 | 0

#26324 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 15:04

I hope the rest of your day was alright.

By dwaynasangel | 0

#26333 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 15:19

Aw i'm sorry.. Happy Birthday to you.

By AliSama | 17

#26416 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 16:24

happy birthday!

By nativebacon | 0

#26420 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 16:26

Lol, at first I thought it said "Today, I decided to get dressed for school because it's my birthday." It's the only day you get to wear your birthday suit, why would you even consider getting dressed?

Anyways, I hope the rest of your birthday goes well! :-)