Miscellaneous: Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a... - FML

By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 734

You deserved it 6 785

Own it

Plumbed out

You tried!

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 08:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came into town for the weekend. A proof of vaccination card to enter non-essential businesses also started. My dear boyfriend refuses to sign up for the card. Guess our nights out will be grocery shopping and him waiting outside while I shop anywhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 299

The long goodbye

By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 619

You deserved it 142

By AndieApocalypse - 03/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 935

You deserved it 6 355

By needs_another_loan - 02/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 2 594

By Anony-moose - 11/10/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 075

You deserved it 2 554

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

By Moimoi78 - 01/02/2017 05:00 - Australia - Eatons Hill

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 126

You deserved it 5 071

By oD_Ronan - 29/08/2013 07:39 - United States - Olympia

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 245

You deserved it 4 501

Sharkeisha, no

By TIlly - 23/02/2021 14:01

Today, after seeing an old viral video on YouTube, my boyfriend started calling me Sharkeisha. Our friends thought he was implying that I'm violent with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 644

You deserved it 77

By ohseven6421 - 03/09/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 084

You deserved it 78 869

By funny? - 06/09/2016 04:43 - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 359

You deserved it 3 212

By cait - 30/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 626

You deserved it 100 017

By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 17:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 872

You deserved it 3 351

By and god shat - 11/07/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 201

You deserved it 9 052

By jbthedude - 05/08/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 902

You deserved it 4 568

By stupidlights - 07/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 378

You deserved it 6 245

By Can't Believe It. - 03/02/2014 20:11 - United States - Fairview

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 187

You deserved it 9 181

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:28 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 359

You deserved it 3 513

By yuuupyup - 18/04/2012 00:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 368

You deserved it 2 032

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 870

You deserved it 8 423

By Anonymous - 24/03/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 729

You deserved it 10 487

By bmaas - 17/03/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, I was playing volleyball in gym when I went up for a spike. As I was coming down, I elbowed a girl in the face. It turns she's the second most important lead in our school musical, which we perform on Thursday. Her nose is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 800

You deserved it 6 064

The cheek!

By Anonymous - 01/06/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 912

You deserved it 5 278

By scorned_jacketless_lady - 26/08/2013 04:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 257

You deserved it 16 545

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 881

You deserved it 7 176

By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 674

You deserved it 7 720

By storyofmylife - 15/03/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 485

You deserved it 10 742

By phonesmuggler - 18/04/2013 19:30 - United States

Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 811

You deserved it 5 793

By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 860

You deserved it 2 483

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 228

You deserved it 70 514

By Vampire Teabag - 12/02/2015 16:25 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 722

You deserved it 3 454

By Tired Hungry Geek - 27/10/2015 04:40 - United States

Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 627

You deserved it 10 263

Bobs and vagene

By analeis - 25/03/2012 18:04 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Spicy

Today, I was vomiting after an evening of drinking. My boyfriend was kind enough to hold my hair back while I spewed chunks into the toilet. Apparently he got bored though, because his hands made their way down to my boobs, which he started jiggling while singing Jingle Bells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 799

You deserved it 29 448

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 23:32 - Ireland

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 658

You deserved it 6 540

I'm a meme

By karen - 27/09/2019 14:00

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 387

Handful

By Mary - 19/10/2009 01:11 - France

Today, I was walking my dogs when I noticed one of them had found something, and was eating it. After my command to "drop it" went unheeded, I took it upon myself to scoop it out of her mouth with my finger. After getting it all over my hand, I realized it was a piece of another dog's poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 774

You deserved it 6 908

By smellymcgee - 25/06/2016 17:21 - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 387

You deserved it 777

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 78

Running commentary

By lukey101 - 25/06/2020 17:02

Today, the Snapchat that I was taking of my car being washed, including my commentary like, "Oooh yeah, get into it baby," was replayed loudly through my car via Bluetooth while the workers were inside and all around washing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 1 828

Emo teens

By Blanid - 22/05/2021 08:01

Today, my roommate’s 17 year-old daughter got broken up with. She locked herself in her room and won’t stop playing "Driver’s License" by Olivia Rodrigo on a continuous loop. Not to mention sounding like an agonizing cat while screaming its lyrics. It’s been 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 049

You deserved it 115

By anonymous - 20/02/2010 01:47 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 366

You deserved it 6 692

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:39

Looks like he got dessert with that meal.

xtna 9

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:42

The ass grope. By definition the best way to thank someone.

Comments

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:39

Looks like he got dessert with that meal.

Adree 15

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:45

A piece of ass cake

euphoricness 28

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Saturday 23 November 2013 20:11

A piece of dildo soup

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 23 November 2013 20:42

11 and 23 wha... wha... what? And why?

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Saturday 23 November 2013 20:50

Don't ask, Mr. Sassypants..

8born8 18

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Saturday 23 November 2013 21:37

11 & 23 the sheer stupidity of your comments gave me a headache.

fucMyLifeSoHard 18

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Saturday 23 November 2013 22:07

23- Pray tell, how do you have a piece of soup?

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Saturday 23 November 2013 22:08

Dildo soup, no less.

LowExpectations 30

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Saturday 23 November 2013 22:52

(Zoidberg voice) What's this? Two meals in one week?

XypherDubstep 8

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Sunday 24 November 2013 6:52

I could not find a more perfect comment

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:39

Looks like you gave him more than a meal ;)

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Sunday 24 November 2013 0:46

A meal and a feel! "Do you want the combo?" "Yes… yeeessss…"

Gittoh 21

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:40

better something than nothing I guess

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 24 November 2013 3:42

I'll take the nothing thanks.

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:41

He got a little bit of dessert, eh?

Snorlax_Snarf 10

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Saturday 23 November 2013 21:46

Wow Many down votes Much sadness.

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Sunday 24 November 2013 1:44

Am I the only one who understands that if you say something out of context its not funny?

angiemarie96 25

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Sunday 24 November 2013 3:00

#47 When doing "doge speak" Wow ALWAYS comes last :P

Snorlax_Snarf 10

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Sunday 24 November 2013 3:57

Many downvotes Much sadness Wow ;D there

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Sunday 24 November 2013 7:15

Fuck, someone posted right before me as I was still typing and I just now saw it. Oops.

xtna 9

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:42

The ass grope. By definition the best way to thank someone.

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 23 November 2013 20:44

That's what I'm saying!.... I am not holding up in court so well, however.

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:42

It's the thought that counts!

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 23 November 2013 21:56

I don't understand what everyone's problem with homeless people grabbing their ass is about. I go around grabbing homeless people's asses all the time. They never complain about it!

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Saturday 23 November 2013 22:27

Omg you just won the internet #51

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:42

Homeless guy got two birds with one stone. A meal and a couple of butt squeezes.

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:43

You made his day, so he was simply trying to make yours better!

67FML 5

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:43

Does that qualify as a date?

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Saturday 23 November 2013 19:45

No good deed goes unpunished.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 49

Spicy

Spicy

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 22

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 181