Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes...

By UkuleleTime - 10/6/2015 05:25 - United States - Garner

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

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Work

Proactive

Out of it

Instadrama

By F U mil - 12/8/2020 23:05

I'll get right on it, chief

Today, my mother-in-law called me selfish, lazy and a bad mother for giving my kids chores, like picking up toys and shoes. When we got married, my husband didn’t even know how to load a dishwasher or run a load of laundry. According to her, a "real mother" waits on her family hand and foot. Yeah, OK. FML

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By Badhairday - 11/6/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By Yoooooo0 - 29/11/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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By owmyballs - 17/12/2009 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2019 16:00

Today, it's my birthday, I received two cards, one from my mum and one from my son, that my mum gave to him to give to me. My entire family said they couldn't be bothered going out for dinner for my birthday. My two 'friends' didn't even send a card, never mind a gift or want to meet up. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - 11/9/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By rachele321 - 20/8/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By OG Pinecone - 23/7/2019 20:11 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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By fiercehawk - 18/2/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

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By Fucked - 16/1/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

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By bushburn - 1/6/2020 02:00

Pubes of steel

Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML

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By nolove - 14/11/2012 10:36 - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

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By wut? - 4/5/2020 14:00

Notice me please

Today, my daughter has been locked in her room screaming and sobbing for the past 2 hours. Apparently, I didn’t make a big enough deal of her coming out, so I must not care about her. What I said was I didn’t care if she was gay, and that it wouldn’t change anything. Sorry for being accepting I guess. FML

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By nicknack22 - 1/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

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By cheshirealyce - 5/3/2015 17:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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By ugh - 31/1/2012 00:25 - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

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By LOTRfail - 27/7/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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By Pandathepilot - 10/11/2017 15:00

Say hello to my plastic friend!

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

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By John - 22/8/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I took my 15 year old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML

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By "willkftw" - 14/4/2019 16:00

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

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By litterbox_girl - 19/8/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house while his plumbing was being redone. I really had to pee, but the toilet wasn't working, so I peed in his cat's litterbox. His cat got defensive, and started attacking me while I peed. My boyfriend walked in and saw the whole thing. FML

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By rileym797 - 17/6/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By Luke - 7/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 16:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By Blamethepostman - 16/9/2016 15:10

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By John Brown - 24/7/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

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By jimboxo - 26/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML

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By myself - 30/1/2012 05:24 - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

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By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - 3/9/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

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By Tylerdirdin84 - 28/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

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By mr.palendrome - 6/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By rippedoff - 4/3/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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Top comments

By laurenhem | 26

#6316189 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:18

Oh my gosh that is so gross, FYL indeed OP :(

By mds9986 | 24

#6316314 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 18:10

Why do people continue to get so angry over terrible puns?

COMMENTS

By Llama24 | 14

#6316186 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:15

What a crappy way to start off the day, I'm sorry OP

By mds9986 | 24

#6316188 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:16

That guy is a turd for not cleaning it up better.

By laurenhem | 26

#6316189 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:18

Oh my gosh that is so gross, FYL indeed OP :(

By udderbutter | 15

#6316192 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:19

Sounds like a crapy job

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6316304 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 18:00

Why do people continue to make these terrible puns?

mds9986 | 24

#6316314 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 18:10

Why do people continue to get so angry over terrible puns?

By zahidnasir | 22

#6316193 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:20

tch would be your worst day ever FYL

By stargazing | 17

#6316196 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:21

That's disgusting.

By lennon_ | 16

#6316200 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:26

It's not that bad OP, way better than human crap right?

Zevon | 10

#6316312 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 18:07

Obviously this is why you should always hold shoes by the side when taking them off, especially someone else's shoes.

By AddictGamer | 16

#6316205 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:28

Incoming 'that's shitty' comments.

nhbasskid13 | 23

#6316441 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 20:02

I think they're already here.

By esamolwan | 18

#6316206 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:28

it makes me sick even imagining it

By jesuis_julie | 21

#6316211 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 16:34

I'm sorry OP!! That's really disgusting and I hope you didn't have to clean all that up yourself