Intimacy: Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl"...

By coolguy - 06/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 796

You deserved it 46 631

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Hiding from the drama

Gruesome

By Koko - 07/04/2016 16:07 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 726

You deserved it 1 903

By ColdMN - 03/02/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 222

You deserved it 11 090

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 05:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 359

You deserved it 9 012

By anon - 18/07/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 284

By PictureLess - 10/01/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 795

You deserved it 38 114

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 994

You deserved it 1 303

By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 638

You deserved it 2 463

By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 710

You deserved it 676

By WTF - 12/10/2012 23:00 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 1 666

By benoit - 15/03/2013 12:35 - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 046

You deserved it 33 657

Keep it hidden

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 05:01

Today, I posted in one of my groups about my lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and took a pic of my feet to show some of the problems that come along with these diseases (like we all do). Facebook actually covered it, saying it could be offensive! Well damn, talk about their double standards on bullying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 112

By katier8295 - 27/10/2012 12:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 713

You deserved it 34 676

Dumpy baby

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 143

By embarrassed2 - 24/01/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 877

You deserved it 4 766

Smells like… victory

By sickofthesmelltoo - 28/02/2013 10:56 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 573

You deserved it 3 074

By TooShort - 03/05/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 311

You deserved it 8 598

By Sam l. - 10/11/2012 06:51 - United States

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 083

You deserved it 3 633

By For - 28/12/2009 14:00 - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 597

You deserved it 6 978

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 137

You deserved it 47 973

By TayTay - 16/05/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 857

You deserved it 12 413

Spooky

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 20:04

Today. my nana got a text from my dead grandad's phone number. His phone was stolen about 3 weeks before he died, but the shock of suddenly getting a text from him after the funeral gave her a heart attack. The doctor says with her other health issues, she might not make it through the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 33

By bosslady12 - 21/12/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 073

You deserved it 3 295

By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/09/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 495

You deserved it 1 691

By not_trained_for_this - 18/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 947

You deserved it 2 932

Spirits, awake!

By liza - 29/03/2021 16:59

Today, since my alarm didn’t go off at 7 a.m., I awoke to my mother attempting to perform Necromancy on me “as a joke.” She wore a black robe and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 186

By 081013 - 02/03/2013 07:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 346

You deserved it 4 480

By HumanNature - 01/02/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 963

You deserved it 3 163

By Anonymous - 08/03/2014 01:16 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 485

You deserved it 6 881

By thankskimi - 15/03/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566 133

You deserved it 40 171

By mattttbob - 04/02/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 467

You deserved it 35 892

By smoochie - 01/08/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 926

You deserved it 23 259

Pick me

By Brit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 229

You deserved it 46 144

By rock'n roller - 03/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 593

You deserved it 6 444

Awkwaaaaaaard

By Zoe Avila - 09/08/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 826

You deserved it 9 043

By ThisGuy775 - 19/09/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 393

You deserved it 2 968

By qwerki4 - 28/10/2015 19:29 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 047

You deserved it 1 666

Oh no, not you

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 00:01

Today, I had no idea my dad and my fiancé's dad are old enemies, until we brought our families together for the first time since we met and COVID rules were relaxed. Long story short, there was a brawl, lots of drinking, a destroyed back garden and we’re not engaged anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 68

By Mac - 16/09/2009 17:05 - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 370

You deserved it 115 486

By Jason - 05/02/2018 15:30 - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 438

You deserved it 976

By JC - 06/12/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 490

You deserved it 9 830

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Top comments

Rosie_Posie43 12

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:14

Still a better love story than Twilight.

IntoTheClouds 42

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:14

YDI for getting drunk enough to sleep with someone you wouldn't want to sleep with sober.

Rosie_Posie43 12

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:14

Still a better love story than Twilight.

Cairo_Sanchez 8

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:52

Good luck trying to get her off you now

demonte252 1

Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:03

True story

bignut24 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:32

I don't knw bout that I'll rather sleep with Kristen Stewart than an obese man faced girl

Spockx 4

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 18:23

He said obsessive, not obese

princessbits 17

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 18:34

Today, I got a guy from class drunk enough to sleep with me. Ilml/I love my life

koolkat27 13

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 4:51

52- Kristen Stewart is disgusting.

IntoTheClouds 42

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:14

YDI for getting drunk enough to sleep with someone you wouldn't want to sleep with sober.

Posthuman 26

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:23

Drunken actions are...well drunken actions

yodas0da 12

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:38

good luck getting rid of her now haha

KMtheDrummer 6

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:41

Which is like one drink.

unknown_user5566 26

Tuesday 6 November 2012 19:23

2- I agree. If OP drank enough to mask the identity of this girl, I'm surprised he didn't have to go to the hospital.

RS808 6

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:43

I've always watched my drunk friends from a sober point of view, and it has seriously discouraged me from becoming an alcoholic. Stories like this are one reason why. Lmao, suck to be you, OP, but a definite YDI.

dragonfuego 11

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:59

65- I bet you haven't drunk much alcohol. From experience, you can be so drunk you don't even remember the night before, or that you slept with your girlfriends sister and best friend. I woke up feeling great, but still have no memory of the event.

Docbee 11

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:15

Being an alcoholic would make her pretty forever! Except for the side effects, it's a fool-proof plan!

ebonyirony 29

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:20

who needs a liver?

Sandman366 6

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:49

Yeah, aside from having no money and being permanently impaired, it works great!

RentaName 15

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:17

Hope you wore protection.

Posthuman 26

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:19

Protection doesn't protect him from the worst STD of all: obsession with him

free2speak 14

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:41

Abort mission: he stuck his dick in crazy.

ebonyirony 29

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:18

well, "cool guy" how cool do you feel now?

MelTheGreat 23

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:05

Hopefully he doesn't feel a burning sensation.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 13 November 2012 19:10

He got stuck inside a hunka hunka burning love

emeraldisle 30

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:19

Excuse, excuses. You've secretly wanted her all semester. Admit it.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:32

I love my women with for facial hair than myself. But the biggest turn on for me has to be a gal rockin a handle bar mustache. Mmm..haha.

capper44 18

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:38

#7 you reminds me of raj in the latest big bang theory episodes lol

emeraldisle 30

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:21

I've never heard of that show.

zee16 4

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:41

Do you live under rock! How do you not know that show?

emeraldisle 30

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:46

I'm not an American. I don't really watch American tv that much anyway.

GoldenGrizzly 7

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:49

There name is Emerald Isle... so maybe they don't get Big Bang in Ireland?

nado13579 12

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:45

55- I highly recommend watching that show then. It's hilarious! :D

Posthuman 26

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:20

That's one hell of a hangover, seeing man-faced obsessive chicks after a night of drinking. Oh wait, she's actually there. Still one hell of a hangover

BananerzFresh 12

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:22

Oh man. Now she is really never going to leave you alone...

xKites 4

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:24

Classic alcohol related story.....

Enslaved 36

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:24

Maybe you did such a bad job having sex with her that she's bow out peacefully! Who am I kidding? You're screwed for getting screwed!

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:00

Not necessarily. I've had mornings where I looked over and thought/said "oh shit" and then she woke up and said "oh shit". Mutual shame is a very real, and in this case beneficial, possibility.

Enslaved 36

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:11

I think you're over looking the obsession this girl had all semester. She now probably thinks it was meant to be and will be singing, "Yeah, baby give me one more night"!