By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 08:00

Wrong enemy

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1695

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165

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Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Headache

By anonymous - 6/3/2020 03:17

Next, on A&E…

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

178

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46738

You deserved it

3070

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By S. Michaels - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30251

You deserved it

3605

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By nolife - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30286

You deserved it

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By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14107

You deserved it

1669

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By LD619 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14556

You deserved it

44428

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By not telling you my name - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23565

You deserved it

5754

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By Sandman2015 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21926

You deserved it

1879

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By OhGeez - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91783

You deserved it

22633

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30418

You deserved it

2989

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By lois2lane - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12932

You deserved it

67827

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By tLee - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41310

You deserved it

4508

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By anniecook - United States

Today, I saw an old man who needed help crossing the street. I went over to him and helped him across the street. When he thanked me, I said, "No problem, sir." They responded by hitting me in the happy sacks and screaming that they were a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25878

You deserved it

7195

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By gspotter - Canada - Verdun

Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31039

You deserved it

5001

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24509

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32204

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4192

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 17:02

Late bloomer

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1413

You deserved it

282

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By mattttbob - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18455

You deserved it

35862

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By Rob - France

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32521

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

I agree, your life sucks

513

You deserved it

3032

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By stickyface - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13936

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40433

You deserved it

44758

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By indefiniteforest - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10804

You deserved it

1096

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By queenlatifa101bebe - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30295

You deserved it

16420

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By MotherofET - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31225

You deserved it

4483

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By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1872

You deserved it

148

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By no one - United States - Dallas

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year old son does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37339

You deserved it

3912

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By lotd - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26043

You deserved it

2043

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65477

You deserved it

4351

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By lady_jeni - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has alzheimers and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60361

You deserved it

3221

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35855

You deserved it

3965

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

To each their own

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

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1594

You deserved it

254

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By Alex

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1900

You deserved it

599

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By brrrr that's cold! - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27616

You deserved it

2390

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By Anonymous - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29998

You deserved it

7874

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By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23223

You deserved it

2985

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By Pissy pants

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3083

You deserved it

177

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By Anonymous

Whack-a-Mole

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1413

You deserved it

257

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By jcooh0lla - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53598

You deserved it

7423

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 02:02

Mind your beeswax, Karen

Today, I was carrying some bags out of a store, and my shirt had scooted up a little. I had no free hands, so I ignored it. A woman stopped me to tell me that bare midriffs are only attractive on skinny girls, "not fat ones." I'm 6 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

You deserved it

131

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#7896698 - Saturday 11 April 2020 16:21

1. Inappropriate
2. Basically assault
3. You can get it off without ripping out your beard. Google it!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7896592 - Saturday 11 April 2020 8:22

I hope you mean EX-girlfriend, that is, in a month or so after you can kick her out.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7896592 - Saturday 11 April 2020 8:22

I hope you mean EX-girlfriend, that is, in a month or so after you can kick her out.

By weazle | 13

#7896614 - Saturday 11 April 2020 9:11

Just cut it out? If you can’t cut it out it’s not really a beard anyway.

By nerdove4735 | 14

#7896696 - Saturday 11 April 2020 16:02

Sounds pretty toxic. Hope you can leave her ass

By cacheson | 41

#7896698 - Saturday 11 April 2020 16:21

1. Inappropriate
2. Basically assault
3. You can get it off without ripping out your beard. Google it!

By knotley | 9

#7896810 - Saturday 11 April 2020 22:28

That's uncalled for.

By S3XY_SiNG3R | 5

#7896889 - Sunday 12 April 2020 6:53

Haha 🤣👏🏽! Either she’s a sassy bitch or a cunt! Hahaha 😆

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7897128 - Sunday 12 April 2020 23:22

I hope you mean EX-girlfriend

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7897697 - Tuesday 14 April 2020 16:51

Omg I’m so glad I’m not the only one that needs to lash out🤣😂🤣also warm oil will help remove the strip!

By peithecelt | 28

#7938353 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 4:24

this is REALLY funny 5 months later, still in quarantine.

"funny".... yeah... that's the word.