Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML
Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML
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Top comments
watchme 11
I suggest locking your door at night
shorty6823 28
I don't think he's old enough to really understand death... And how permanent it is
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Comments (169)
sassy2085 16
That's no more late night movues for him. :$
pedinhuh 23
I wonder if he is The Good Son....
JoshArson 22
Sounds like most episodes of Family Guy.
worldclassrager 41
He's little doesn't understand everything yet...he'll realize that he needs a mother in his life for a long time...
babegirlprecious 12
U have a crazy, awesome son!
TheyCallMeDamien 18
Seek help immediately because having your own personal Stewie is only cute on TV.
msbrendabella 10
You need to not let him watch family guy anymore.
Ray_of_midnight 23
Maybe it's because I've seen too many Enfants Terribles (as TVTropes calls them) on TV and in the movies, but damn...that kid sounds like he needs some serious help.
HopelesslyCiara5 19
What. The. ****. Children these days....
limclean 5
It's Stewie from Family Guy but real life..