Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML
Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML
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Top comments
watchme 11
I suggest locking your door at night
shorty6823 28
I don't think he's old enough to really understand death... And how permanent it is
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Comments (169)
kentuckyguy 4
"Love ya honey,but nothing to do here"
asherm 15
He sounds sweet. Time for a priest or psychologist
olpally 33
Stewie griffin trying to kill Lois?? Lmao. Yikes!
Softballchhickk 11
haha it's a perfect plot for a family guy episode
BlackPhenom 9
He's possessed! Might be your wife next.
DracoSpirita 21
Or, y'know, husband. Because most women are straight.
MartiOan 8
You're so heteronormative
DracoSpirita 21
Not really. I'm a lesbian, and have been with my girlfriend for seven months now. But in my experience, most women are straight, because in my life I've only met three other women who lean towards being with other girls, one of whom is my girlfriend.
FrankHotpants 31
This can't be good, I would be legitimately concerned.
_parth 20
Beat him up like when we were kids we use to get beat up for doing stupid stuff.
titibug823 11
I think its time to get your son some help.
uhmaizing 3
i am pretty sure at least once in history a 5yr old has committed matricide. dont be number 2
NBL_fml 8
He wants to be batman.
KM96 24
Creepy ...