Kids: Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom...

By todaddy - 23/05/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 135

You deserved it 4 714

Kids

Mother of the year

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Check yourself

Trauma

By SkipLegDay - 03/08/2016 08:48 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 343

You deserved it 3 268

By get a grip, son - 30/05/2014 20:37 - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 105

You deserved it 10 814

By Anonymous - 16/07/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I decided to try and seduce my boyfriend of 2 years. He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt and bra, and gave him a hug from behind. What I didn't know was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 470

You deserved it 48 252

By anonymous - 11/04/2011 03:26

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 228

You deserved it 8 239

By XxMe123xx - 19/08/2010 00:51 - France

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 393

You deserved it 10 899

The customer is sometimes devious

By dontgivemechecks - 16/03/2020 14:00

Today, I found out that I accidentally returned a customer her $147 check she had written out to pay for her groceries and receive cash back. The lady got free groceries and money, and I'm now losing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 633

"Nice alarm you've got there"

By JoanT - 14/07/2020 09:43

Today, I woke myself up by pinching my nipple between my elbow and the bed. This isn’t the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 40

By Anonymous - 09/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 504

You deserved it 4 049

By a - 21/05/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 853

You deserved it 49 543

By anonymous - 06/03/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 605

You deserved it 32 080

By egsrox95 - 01/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 743

You deserved it 324

By screwed - 04/01/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 325

You deserved it 3 638

By ugh - 19/01/2011 19:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 330

You deserved it 9 467

By Anonymous - 20/09/2014 15:28 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 028

You deserved it 14 034

By wellthen - 24/08/2015 21:56 - United States

Today, I expressed my feelings to a guy I've liked for a long time. He basically turned me down because I have the same name as his mom, and dating me would be too weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 510

You deserved it 2 135

By MovingOut - 16/01/2015 01:21 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 967

You deserved it 2 484

By scumbag i guess - 08/09/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 886

You deserved it 53 220

By Embarrassed - 01/10/2010 13:06 - United States

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 379

You deserved it 6 054

Post-it

By Lalalala - 06/09/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 98

By anonymous - 24/03/2016 03:02

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 571

You deserved it 1 456

By poopiter - 27/07/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 881

You deserved it 4 745

By uglychick - 05/09/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 704

You deserved it 9 707

By sonofaneuroticwench - 20/08/2014 20:08 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 567

You deserved it 3 373

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 17:51 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 518

You deserved it 6 388

By pissedoffexgirlfriend - 15/02/2018 06:00

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 778

You deserved it 561

Money ain't a problem when you've got it

By Anonymous - 07/10/2011 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 558

You deserved it 4 026

By lyssuhhhh - 26/09/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 536

You deserved it 6 568

By wmhh26 - 14/07/2019 00:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 125

Not so ready to rumble

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 14:00

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 136

By Goldar - 10/04/2013 02:44 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 882

You deserved it 20 277

By charmed - 12/08/2016 08:53

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 210

You deserved it 1 903

By Elevated fear - 24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 188

You deserved it 542

By nobody asked you! - 25/03/2019 21:00 - United States - New York

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a "talent fee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 523

You deserved it 180

By stevenr579 - 23/01/2013 23:33 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 863

You deserved it 7 546

Gambled and lost

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 10:59

Today, I found out that my mom found a paper with my long lost username and password to an old crypto wallet with 17 bitcoins. She'd thrown it in the garbage bin before realising what it was. The bin was empty when I went running to check it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 218

By unknown - 12/06/2013 17:33 - United States - Tulare

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 906

You deserved it 4 469

By disapointed girl - 28/12/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 888

You deserved it 5 841

By ohno. - 19/08/2009 08:44 - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 367

You deserved it 5 665

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 063

You deserved it 42 101

By nice education you've got there - 09/04/2013 21:04 - United States - Monroe

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 270

You deserved it 7 271

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Top comments

715chiefs 15

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

henney2464 6

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

henney2464 6

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

md101 18

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Saturday 24 May 2014 3:05

Sounds like a ball breaker of a day.

cakefete2 30

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Saturday 24 May 2014 3:49

#1, he's trying to stomp out all future competition for his dad's love.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 24 May 2014 4:25

Sounds like your son is learning Krav Maga...

blancoing 14

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Sunday 25 May 2014 3:32

what a great father...

715chiefs 15

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

DragonPorn 15

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:29

How did this get thumbed down?

domolovesyoshi 33

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Saturday 24 May 2014 2:58

Because that's not how reproduction works

Wingnuts 12

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:08

Tell him he killed his soon-to-be-brother.

AlaskanG 27

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:57

And why would you ever say that to a 5-year old?

cartoonboy 26

Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Just drop him off at the adoption place

cakefete2 30

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Saturday 24 May 2014 3:41

Go to timeout and think about what you've done. If you still believe that was appropriate, stay in the corner and think some more.

Queenie2014 11

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Saturday 24 May 2014 6:13

WTF?!

SwtCherryPie 26

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

Because you can't admit your son hurt you? and maybe in the process teach him to be careful around such sensitive areas?

imasquealer 1

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:39

Exactly. My son is four and knows not to jump on daddy's balls.

cakefete2 30

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Saturday 24 May 2014 3:43

Why shouldn't he jump on your balls? Does it have anything to do with your screen name?

asnakelovinbabe 16

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:59

^^^^ I am dying of laughter.

Sp1k3FML 14

Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Fyl,you chose to have kids.

gshocker20 21

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:28

Coming from the prepubescent teenager.

AlaskanG 27

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:58

So did your parents. Think they regret it?

junkman6 22

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Saturday 24 May 2014 4:24

That's YDI for choosing to have kids. Getting ball busted comes with the territory of child raising.

kelsorg 21

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

explain to him how one day he will share the same "happiness" lol

Saikon1357 25

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Saturday 24 May 2014 7:50

Son, someday in the future you will understand why daddy is crying.

Jiplo 18

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:14

Kids. Gotta love 'em.

Shmatterhorn 38

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Saturday 24 May 2014 4:20

Especially when they get to choose which nursing home you get to go to at the end.

chris4u2nv5 19

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:21

I would have explained it to him a different way!!! The old fashion way.

cakefete2 30

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Saturday 24 May 2014 3:44

I can't help but picture your "old fashioned" way involving OP punching his son in the groin and saying "hurts don't it?".

chosha_fml 25

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Saturday 24 May 2014 18:06

For accidentally hurting him? Sometimes the old-fashioned way is just the asshole parent way.

warsun 27

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Saturday 24 May 2014 1:24

You sound like an awesome dad :D

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 74

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284

Trauma

The customer is sometimes devious

"Nice alarm you've got there"

Post-it

Money ain't a problem when you've got it

Not so ready to rumble

Gambled and lost

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