Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom... - FML

By todaddy - 23/5/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

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Rock, hard place

You can't win sometimes

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By AllieG33 - 5/9/2014 02:59 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

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By jaybob18 - 17/6/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By hwscrewed - 10/11/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 07:53 - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

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By JFC - 17/7/2016 19:56

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2015 23:08 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By SimpleSadie - 22/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML

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By waitress - 12/4/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2016 13:50

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

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By oops - 31/3/2015 01:52 - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 17:52 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband yelled at me for not doing any household chores. I can barely move my hand without suffering excruciating pain, due to recent surgery to ease my arthritis, and my other hand is as bad as ever. I can barely work this phone, let alone wash dishes and iron clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By trp007 - 7/4/2014 03:03 - United States - New Castle

Today, after cleaning my house because I'd thrown a party all weekend while my parents were gone, I still got caught because somebody tried to make beer popsicles with Q-Tips in the ice trays in my freezer. FML

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By shadowfigure - 23/1/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By . - 16/10/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

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By poncho31 - 22/5/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

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By justme - 9/2/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By Joe - 19/10/2009 04:32 - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By ljennette25 - 23/9/2016 04:51 - United States - Princeton

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By EPICfml. - 2/3/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By ART - 6/3/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By lonelyniceguy - 24/3/2010 23:50 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. FML

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By ambushcat - 6/7/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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By Ouch - 28/2/2015 02:25 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

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By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Empathy

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Santa Monica

She used me

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

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By apple - 16/7/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By Jessey - 18/6/2009 13:05 - United Kingdom

Today, we were having a school prize giving. I heard my name called and I walked up to the stage waving and smiling, feeling rather proud of myself. I stood by the microphone and started my acceptance speech, only to be tapped on the shoulder by the girl they actually called up. FML

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By spougeineye1 - 3/4/2012 16:37 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

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By NoSexForMe - 13/7/2014 07:46 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 01:33 - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

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By Female_Lucifer - 20/10/2013 13:02 - United States - New Lebanon

Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML

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By rainey - 3/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 20:19 - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 15:00

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

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By Darcy - 26/10/2011 06:58 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML

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Top comments

By 715chiefs | 15

#5954282 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

By henney2464 | 6

#5954279 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

Comments

By henney2464 | 6

#5954279 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

Reply

md101 | 18

#5954396 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:05

Sounds like a ball breaker of a day.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954417 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:49

#1, he's trying to stomp out all future competition for his dad's love.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5954452 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:25

Sounds like your son is learning Krav Maga...

Reply

blancoing | 14

#5955489 - Sunday 25 May 2014 3:32

what a great father...

By 715chiefs | 15

#5954282 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

Reply

DragonPorn | 15

#5954327 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:29

How did this get thumbed down?

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5954393 - Saturday 24 May 2014 2:58

Because that's not how reproduction works

By Wingnuts | 12

#5954285 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:08

Tell him he killed his soon-to-be-brother.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5954349 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:57

And why would you ever say that to a 5-year old?

By cartoonboy | 26

#5954290 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Just drop him off at the adoption place

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954412 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:41

Go to timeout and think about what you've done. If you still believe that was appropriate, stay in the corner and think some more.

Reply

Queenie2014 | 11

#5954617 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:13

WTF?!

By SwtCherryPie | 26

#5954293 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

Because you can't admit your son hurt you? and maybe in the process teach him to be careful around such sensitive areas?

Reply

imasquealer | 1

#5954340 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:39

Exactly. My son is four and knows not to jump on daddy's balls.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954414 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:43

Why shouldn't he jump on your balls? Does it have anything to do with your screen name?

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5954598 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:59

^^^^ I am dying of laughter.

By Sp1k3FML | 14

#5954295 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Fyl,you chose to have kids.

Reply

gshocker20 | 21

#5954325 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:28

Coming from the prepubescent teenager.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5954353 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:58

So did your parents. Think they regret it?

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5954450 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:24

That's YDI for choosing to have kids. Getting ball busted comes with the territory of child raising.

By kelsorg | 21

#5954299 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

explain to him how one day he will share the same "happiness" lol

Reply

Saikon1357 | 25

#5954693 - Saturday 24 May 2014 7:50

Son, someday in the future you will understand why daddy is crying.

By Jiplo | 18

#5954303 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:14

Kids. Gotta love 'em.

Reply

Shmatterhorn | 38

#5954441 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:20

Especially when they get to choose which nursing home you get to go to at the end.

By chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5954311 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:21

I would have explained it to him a different way!!! The old fashion way.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954415 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:44

I can't help but picture your "old fashioned" way involving OP punching his son in the groin and saying "hurts don't it?".

Reply

chosha_fml | 25

#5955029 - Saturday 24 May 2014 18:06

For accidentally hurting him? Sometimes the old-fashioned way is just the asshole parent way.

By warsun | 27

#5954315 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:24

You sound like an awesome dad :D