Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom... - FML

By todaddy - 23/5/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Boozehound alert

Deep-seated resentment

By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By Mug - 24/4/2012 20:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 16:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Dash and dine

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

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By me - 7/5/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

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By revenueempire - 9/12/2016 21:48

Today, a client says his new website design isn't what he expected at all and wants a full refund or else he will sue me in court. The design is exactly what he picked out when I presented the mock-ups. FML

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By black hoodie - 19/5/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

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By Sl3vin - 19/1/2010 14:17 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - 25/9/2012 17:42 - Norway - Myre

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

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By douchetard - 26/3/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

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By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Juliett - 29/8/2019 19:00 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By I get the hint - 18/9/2013 06:19

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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By doh - 10/1/2009 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

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By crippled shopper - 27/1/2013 05:23 - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

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By Dani - 5/12/2014 21:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By no compassion - 16/4/2013 10:50 - United States - Aurora

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this man. FML

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By Grossed out - 14/2/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML

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By EllieJ - 23/3/2011 15:22

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By ew - 12/4/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By Crap - 30/7/2015 00:57 - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By you fucking idiot - 19/12/2013 17:20 - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 02:00

Goldfinger

Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML

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By Liz - 27/9/2010 19:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 14:27 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Sady_Ct - 15/5/2019 12:12

Be careful what you wish for…

Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML

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By em - 3/6/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I was working and some woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 19:11 - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

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By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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By inboxbuddies - 16/6/2009 10:35 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

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By newmother - 5/12/2010 13:38 - Australia

Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he'd take me to the hospital. FML

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By maidmyday - 12/8/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By OhJoy - 2/11/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

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By Keisha - 10/10/2019 00:01

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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Top comments

By 715chiefs | 15

#5954282 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

By henney2464 | 6

#5954279 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

COMMENTS

By henney2464 | 6

#5954279 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:04

Haha, he probably feels so special

Reply

md101 | 18

#5954396 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:05

Sounds like a ball breaker of a day.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954417 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:49

#1, he's trying to stomp out all future competition for his dad's love.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5954452 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:25

Sounds like your son is learning Krav Maga...

Reply

blancoing | 14

#5955489 - Sunday 25 May 2014 3:32

what a great father...

By 715chiefs | 15

#5954282 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:07

He started out in your balls, he was just trying to find a way back in.

Reply

DragonPorn | 15

#5954327 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:29

How did this get thumbed down?

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5954393 - Saturday 24 May 2014 2:58

Because that's not how reproduction works

By Wingnuts | 12

#5954285 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:08

Tell him he killed his soon-to-be-brother.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5954349 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:57

And why would you ever say that to a 5-year old?

By cartoonboy | 26

#5954290 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Just drop him off at the adoption place

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954412 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:41

Go to timeout and think about what you've done. If you still believe that was appropriate, stay in the corner and think some more.

Reply

Queenie2014 | 11

#5954617 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:13

WTF?!

By SwtCherryPie | 26

#5954293 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

Because you can't admit your son hurt you? and maybe in the process teach him to be careful around such sensitive areas?

Reply

imasquealer | 1

#5954340 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:39

Exactly. My son is four and knows not to jump on daddy's balls.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954414 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:43

Why shouldn't he jump on your balls? Does it have anything to do with your screen name?

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5954598 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:59

^^^^ I am dying of laughter.

By Sp1k3FML | 14

#5954295 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:10

Fyl,you chose to have kids.

Reply

gshocker20 | 21

#5954325 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:28

Coming from the prepubescent teenager.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5954353 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:58

So did your parents. Think they regret it?

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5954450 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:24

That's YDI for choosing to have kids. Getting ball busted comes with the territory of child raising.

By kelsorg | 21

#5954299 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:12

explain to him how one day he will share the same "happiness" lol

Reply

Saikon1357 | 25

#5954693 - Saturday 24 May 2014 7:50

Son, someday in the future you will understand why daddy is crying.

By Jiplo | 18

#5954303 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:14

Kids. Gotta love 'em.

Reply

Shmatterhorn | 38

#5954441 - Saturday 24 May 2014 4:20

Especially when they get to choose which nursing home you get to go to at the end.

By chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5954311 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:21

I would have explained it to him a different way!!! The old fashion way.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5954415 - Saturday 24 May 2014 3:44

I can't help but picture your "old fashioned" way involving OP punching his son in the groin and saying "hurts don't it?".

Reply

chosha_fml | 25

#5955029 - Saturday 24 May 2014 18:06

For accidentally hurting him? Sometimes the old-fashioned way is just the asshole parent way.

By warsun | 27

#5954315 - Saturday 24 May 2014 1:24

You sound like an awesome dad :D