Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a... - FML

By Ohshit - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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This Charming Man

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mama's boy

By gagus123

Karma sucks

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

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By Mc'xplosive

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

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By candy man - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By Failed Parent - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

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By college estudiata

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

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By Scarlet

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By anon - United States - Pleasantville

Today, one of my coworkers asked if I hated my life and was depressed because of how I look most of the time. This is just my facial expression. FML

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By xoxoblondee - United States - Valley Village

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

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By the other woman

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

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By Lionman - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

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By Help. - United Kingdom

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

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By BoohooBouquet

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML

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By notsexy - United States

Choking hazard

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By lostforlife - United States - Camden

Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - United States - Los Angeles

The big con

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

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By ameremanapparently - United States - Carlisle

Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By Bad Mommy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

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By Claire - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 05:02

Alexa, play "Glad to be Unhappy" by The Mamas & The Papas

Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By Madagascar - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

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By dead man walking? - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By Mika_Ookami - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

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By gross - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By bluewatersify - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By no_hullabalo - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By crushed - Australia

Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML

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By nicrus - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

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By disturbed - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

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By mindlost - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

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By Anonymous

Complete mockery

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By panicelement - United States - Carbondale

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mckinney

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML

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Top comments

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

COMMENTS

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#975950 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 20:36

muddafukka

Reply

roobz_fml | 0

#988199 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 10:22

sounds like someone was harrassed when he was younger...

Reply

Aero_boy | 4

#1212987 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:53

"recalling how she smelled like peppermint" yeah, sure. xD.

Reply

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266397 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4767970 - Friday 3 August 2012 14:19

I would've said, "yes sweetie?" heh heh

By TwistedDaydream | 0

#205717 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

x_x Argh. You weren't too careful there were you?

Reply

novakman | 0

#885319 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:23

brutal

Reply

llScarlFacell | 0

#970813 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:35

Meh, no biggie. I say all sorts of stupid things when I just wake up. One time I got up and after comming to some sense my mom told me I had just said, " Pensylvania. I got the bling bling baby. "

Reply

Larryfresh23 | 0

#1425555 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:39

at least he didn't say dad
right

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

Reply

VampireKiller59 | 0

#977909 - Sunday 11 April 2010 17:47

dont say anything just enjoy the handjob

Reply

FML_accounT123 | 5

#4200972 - Thursday 22 March 2012 18:19

He said he thought it was his mom because of the smell, not the rubbing

Reply

obnum | 19

#5397309 - Friday 8 March 2013 16:28

Yeah idk about you guys, but when I just wake up I'm not very alert. Sometimes my mind notices one thing and skips over another

By Davidscd | 0

#205724 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

WTF are you still with the girlfriend!? or....with mummy?

By 24788 | 6

#205725 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

lol, that's just creepy.

By connerfusion | 0

#205727 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By neverland_fml | 0

#205728 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:16

Ooh, that's gonna be difficult to explain. DX

By readme | 0

#205732 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Think Dear...Think!

You won't be waking up to anymore early morning surprises thanks to that!

By circayouandme | 0

#205734 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Erm.... why would you call out your mother? That's incest, man.

By arienh4 | 0

#205738 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:22

#4 Serves you right? Implying he had a choice, had that happened?

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6177097 - Monday 19 January 2015 7:13

What did he sa.... Oh... Nvm... I feel so lonely in the future.