Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a... - FML

By Ohshit - 17/5/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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Proactive

Toxic parents

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 17:19 - United States

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

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By awkward - 6/11/2013 21:16 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

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By hrtbrkn - 16/7/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 20:37 - United States - Brookhaven

Today, my 45-year-old child of a mother made such a dramatic scene over finding a hair in her food that the initially apologetic owners ended up kicking my family out. FML

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By mer - 8/2/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I told my best friend of 10 years that somewhere along the way I fell in love with him and I think we should be together. His response: "I appreciate the sentiment." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 02:55 - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

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By William - 25/11/2008 04:27 - France

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

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By yourfault - 2/9/2013 15:10 - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By Czechplease - 3/11/2011 14:23 - United States

Today, my mom told my girlfriend an embarrassing story about me, along the lines of whenever my parents would take me school clothes shopping, I'd cry because I hated all the choices they gave me. The most recent incident of this? Last year. I'm 18. FML

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By UnSupported - 14/8/2014 15:28 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By umm...no - 31/10/2016 14:33 - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By chris - 14/6/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Jodie - 3/2/2012 12:48 - Australia

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By Rowden - 26/4/2010 09:58 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By ummm eww - 12/6/2020 20:05

Disclosure

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

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By rUs7up1d - 8/4/2015 14:43 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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By SmileEveryday - 17/3/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

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By redcherries90 - 8/12/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By - 16/3/2019 09:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By Rich - 26/11/2011 20:50 - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By Fykkhttdsetkkhvln - 26/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

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By lifebecrazed - 17/1/2013 16:57

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

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By parched - 2/11/2009 17:30 - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 05:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

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By toomuchlove - 2/8/2010 23:32 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By RavingLunatic - 1/5/2015 22:17 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

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By UnhappyLips - 16/12/2016 09:43

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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By maddie - 27/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2014 02:29 - United States - Hedgesville

Today, I was throwing rocks into a pond while our class was on a field trip. The teacher started to pass around an old rare civil war bullet. As the bullet got to me, I threw another rock in the river, only to notice a rock in my hand and the bullet gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend just told me the picture of "him as a baby" was really his son. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

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By smh - 10/9/2015 06:09 - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

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By SingleSara. - 2/3/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 17:00

Baller

Today, my popular friend stole another girl's boyfriend. She didn't keep him very long, though. In fact, she only kept him until I finally got together with my crush. Then she decided she had to have HIM. She succeeded, too. FML

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Top comments

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

COMMENTS

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#975950 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 20:36

muddafukka

Reply

roobz_fml | 0

#988199 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 10:22

sounds like someone was harrassed when he was younger...

Reply

Aero_boy | 4

#1212987 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:53

"recalling how she smelled like peppermint" yeah, sure. xD.

Reply

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266397 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4767970 - Friday 3 August 2012 14:19

I would've said, "yes sweetie?" heh heh

By TwistedDaydream | 0

#205717 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

x_x Argh. You weren't too careful there were you?

Reply

novakman | 0

#885319 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:23

brutal

Reply

llScarlFacell | 0

#970813 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:35

Meh, no biggie. I say all sorts of stupid things when I just wake up. One time I got up and after comming to some sense my mom told me I had just said, " Pensylvania. I got the bling bling baby. "

Reply

Larryfresh23 | 0

#1425555 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:39

at least he didn't say dad
right

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

Reply

VampireKiller59 | 0

#977909 - Sunday 11 April 2010 17:47

dont say anything just enjoy the handjob

Reply

FML_accounT123 | 5

#4200972 - Thursday 22 March 2012 18:19

He said he thought it was his mom because of the smell, not the rubbing

Reply

obnum | 19

#5397309 - Friday 8 March 2013 16:28

Yeah idk about you guys, but when I just wake up I'm not very alert. Sometimes my mind notices one thing and skips over another

By Davidscd | 0

#205724 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

WTF are you still with the girlfriend!? or....with mummy?

By 24788 | 6

#205725 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

lol, that's just creepy.

By connerfusion | 0

#205727 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By neverland_fml | 0

#205728 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:16

Ooh, that's gonna be difficult to explain. DX

By readme | 0

#205732 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Think Dear...Think!

You won't be waking up to anymore early morning surprises thanks to that!

By circayouandme | 0

#205734 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Erm.... why would you call out your mother? That's incest, man.

By arienh4 | 0

#205738 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:22

#4 Serves you right? Implying he had a choice, had that happened?

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6177097 - Monday 19 January 2015 7:13

What did he sa.... Oh... Nvm... I feel so lonely in the future.