Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a... - FML

By Ohshit - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32334

You deserved it

92494

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Triage

Who's a good boy?

By Sarcasmo - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13766

You deserved it

1273

Tweet

Share

By Mills - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46126

You deserved it

2319

Tweet

Share

By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32459

You deserved it

3417

Tweet

Share

By WIIslave - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11887

You deserved it

28926

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6439

You deserved it

622

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30219

You deserved it

2801

Tweet

Share

By crybaby - United States - Elmont

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going well until I noticed a picture of a dog hanging on the wall, which reminded me of the ending of Marley and Me. I started crying and had to be escorted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22973

You deserved it

79687

Tweet

Share

By EmbarrassedBather

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1872

You deserved it

314

Tweet

Share

By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1418

You deserved it

112

Tweet

Share

By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31920

You deserved it

3846

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48904

You deserved it

4936

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26905

You deserved it

15203

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59196

You deserved it

3865

Tweet

Share

By oh my soul

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5746

You deserved it

2008

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1309

You deserved it

484

Tweet

Share

By LiLGeek - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36477

You deserved it

9113

Tweet

Share

By diapermommy - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16958

You deserved it

46333

Tweet

Share

By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12991

You deserved it

872

Tweet

Share

By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51668

You deserved it

4002

Tweet

Share

By knighton16 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17104

You deserved it

58508

Tweet

Share

By agstadra - Canada

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33882

You deserved it

3184

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking along when I saw this girl kissing her boyfriend. I thought to myself "I wish I had a boyfriend like that". I'm a guy, and straight. At least I thought I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39250

You deserved it

14295

Tweet

Share

By asdfghjkl

Today, it took me four tries to find the right position to swipe my debit card. My mom screamed "Oh, for God's sake, why don't you ever get it right the FIRST time?" She then apologized to the cashier for having "such a stupid child". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3987

You deserved it

895

Tweet

Share

By munchkin - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11819

You deserved it

42377

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 17:01

Just a prank, dad

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1439

You deserved it

136

Tweet

Share

By Sad Nerd - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38432

You deserved it

18306

Tweet

Share

By ohgod. - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29140

You deserved it

3155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31777

You deserved it

2871

Tweet

Share

By scratchy

Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36110

You deserved it

2727

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26907

You deserved it

3947

Tweet

Share

By StupidBerk - United Kingdom

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27513

You deserved it

3140

Tweet

Share

By -.- - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45175

You deserved it

5191

Tweet

Share

By darthinvader - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21960

You deserved it

27593

Tweet

Share

By brit - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27580

You deserved it

2956

Tweet

Share

By lonerboner - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17985

You deserved it

37098

Tweet

Share

By jennybrev - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45609

You deserved it

2841

Tweet

Share

By Sleeping Beauty - United States - Jamestown

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21970

You deserved it

3746

Tweet

Share

By awhmaaan - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40884

You deserved it

5788

Tweet

Share

By manoloonfire - 21/12/2020 15:04 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Thanks, dad

Today, I'm a MD who graduated with honors. I can't work right now because I'm preparing myself for the medical residence exam. I want to be a cardiovascular surgeon. My dad is ashamed of me and treats me like shit, because I don't work and I'm 26 years-old, living with my parents while I'm studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1113

You deserved it

74

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1824

You deserved it

160

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

COMMENTS

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#975950 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 20:36

muddafukka

Reply

roobz_fml | 0

#988199 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 10:22

sounds like someone was harrassed when he was younger...

Reply

Aero_boy | 4

#1212987 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:53

"recalling how she smelled like peppermint" yeah, sure. xD.

Reply

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266397 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4767970 - Friday 3 August 2012 14:19

I would've said, "yes sweetie?" heh heh

By TwistedDaydream | 0

#205717 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

x_x Argh. You weren't too careful there were you?

Reply

novakman | 0

#885319 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:23

brutal

Reply

llScarlFacell | 0

#970813 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:35

Meh, no biggie. I say all sorts of stupid things when I just wake up. One time I got up and after comming to some sense my mom told me I had just said, " Pensylvania. I got the bling bling baby. "

Reply

Larryfresh23 | 0

#1425555 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:39

at least he didn't say dad
right

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

Reply

VampireKiller59 | 0

#977909 - Sunday 11 April 2010 17:47

dont say anything just enjoy the handjob

Reply

FML_accounT123 | 5

#4200972 - Thursday 22 March 2012 18:19

He said he thought it was his mom because of the smell, not the rubbing

Reply

obnum | 19

#5397309 - Friday 8 March 2013 16:28

Yeah idk about you guys, but when I just wake up I'm not very alert. Sometimes my mind notices one thing and skips over another

By Davidscd | 0

#205724 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

WTF are you still with the girlfriend!? or....with mummy?

By 24788 | 6

#205725 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

lol, that's just creepy.

By connerfusion | 0

#205727 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By neverland_fml | 0

#205728 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:16

Ooh, that's gonna be difficult to explain. DX

By readme | 0

#205732 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Think Dear...Think!

You won't be waking up to anymore early morning surprises thanks to that!

By circayouandme | 0

#205734 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Erm.... why would you call out your mother? That's incest, man.

By arienh4 | 0

#205738 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:22

#4 Serves you right? Implying he had a choice, had that happened?

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6177097 - Monday 19 January 2015 7:13

What did he sa.... Oh... Nvm... I feel so lonely in the future.