Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a... - FML

By Ohshit - 17/5/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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Caught red-handed

Vultures

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By shygirl - 20/5/2012 13:13 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 12:00

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

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By Bad Dancer - 5/7/2015 01:48 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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By peele - 25/3/2015 13:10 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

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By paula434 - 5/12/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By ravestradamus - 12/10/2009 12:34 - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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By Pineapple does go on pizza - 24/8/2018 01:30

Overkill or fair?

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

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By taylor124 - 22/8/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

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By iheartkanye - 30/6/2019 20:01

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 20:00

Snoop

Today, I went through my boyfriend’s emails and found out that he cheated on me the day before he asked me to move in with him. FML

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By sucksssssss - 28/1/2010 20:12 - France

Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML

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By pothole - 3/3/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By xoothc08 - 25/2/2009 22:06 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 7/1/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By chris - 23/12/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

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By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Not. Helping.

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I lost my work keys and had everyone running all over the building looking for them. We found them, hanging in the last lock I had used. They now all think I'm a nut. FML

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By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

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By Lesley - 17/2/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 05:16

Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML

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By mississpissi - 14/7/2015 12:00 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By James - 18/12/2012 02:28 - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

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By chaos2007 - 13/5/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 07:39 - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By FuckPollen - 8/7/2015 11:01 - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 20:28 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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By c - 22/7/2012 04:50 - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By myrie - 3/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his contact card. FML

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By Kate - 29/4/2012 15:22 - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

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Top comments

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

By youaresofucked | 0

#205716 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Reply

chromeLegend | 0

#975950 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 20:36

muddafukka

Reply

roobz_fml | 0

#988199 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 10:22

sounds like someone was harrassed when he was younger...

Reply

Aero_boy | 4

#1212987 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:53

"recalling how she smelled like peppermint" yeah, sure. xD.

Reply

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266397 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4767970 - Friday 3 August 2012 14:19

I would've said, "yes sweetie?" heh heh

By TwistedDaydream | 0

#205717 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

x_x Argh. You weren't too careful there were you?

Reply

novakman | 0

#885319 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:23

brutal

Reply

llScarlFacell | 0

#970813 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:35

Meh, no biggie. I say all sorts of stupid things when I just wake up. One time I got up and after comming to some sense my mom told me I had just said, " Pensylvania. I got the bling bling baby. "

Reply

Larryfresh23 | 0

#1425555 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:39

at least he didn't say dad
right

By dmipotc | 0

#205718 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

Reply

VampireKiller59 | 0

#977909 - Sunday 11 April 2010 17:47

dont say anything just enjoy the handjob

Reply

FML_accounT123 | 5

#4200972 - Thursday 22 March 2012 18:19

He said he thought it was his mom because of the smell, not the rubbing

Reply

obnum | 19

#5397309 - Friday 8 March 2013 16:28

Yeah idk about you guys, but when I just wake up I'm not very alert. Sometimes my mind notices one thing and skips over another

By Davidscd | 0

#205724 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

WTF are you still with the girlfriend!? or....with mummy?

By 24788 | 6

#205725 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:12

lol, that's just creepy.

By connerfusion | 0

#205727 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By neverland_fml | 0

#205728 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:16

Ooh, that's gonna be difficult to explain. DX

By readme | 0

#205732 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:19

Think Dear...Think!

You won't be waking up to anymore early morning surprises thanks to that!

By circayouandme | 0

#205734 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:20

Erm.... why would you call out your mother? That's incest, man.

By arienh4 | 0

#205738 - Sunday 17 May 2009 12:22

#4 Serves you right? Implying he had a choice, had that happened?

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6177097 - Monday 19 January 2015 7:13

What did he sa.... Oh... Nvm... I feel so lonely in the future.