Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend...

By Harry Dare - 2/9/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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Love

The end of the road

Race against the clock

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 29/8/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

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By Username - 5/12/2010 17:04 - United States

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

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By crayons128 - 24/1/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By oopsydaddy - 14/8/2018 06:00

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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By jmove - 7/8/2019 06:00 - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By Tired - 12/1/2015 14:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

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By WhatTheFuck - 30/7/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

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By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - 31/1/2013 11:34 - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

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By wickedbeauty333 - 26/9/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

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By BigDT - 28/1/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

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By why?? - 24/5/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

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By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By zbaby - 23/5/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

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By JB - 7/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By *sigh* - 8/12/2015 22:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By Great... - 9/11/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

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By blacktyaffair - 9/11/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By Oh dear - 5/7/2012 22:15 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines - Kingstown

Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML

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By nicky - 31/3/2011 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

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By CreepedOut - 9/3/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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By williebees - 28/11/2012 17:43 - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

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By wtf?! - 30/5/2020 05:00

Purple rain, purple rain

Today, out of boredom, I decided to dye my hair. I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders. My insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having sex with a boyfriend I don’t even have. She won’t listen, and I’m grounded for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 13:54 - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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By Ava K - 1/10/2019 16:02 - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 04:19 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

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By the other woman - 26/6/2018 01:30

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

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By notmyfault - 14/1/2016 22:21 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By xXx - 16/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - 10/4/2013 17:41 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2016 09:46 - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By misshb - 18/1/2010 01:26 - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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Top comments

By ThatGenericGuy | 6

#3224513 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:44

Admit it, that turned you on.

By enonymous | 8

#3224540 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:48

She probably has to put up with your
Dutch ovens. Only fair

COMMENTS

By ThatGenericGuy | 6

#3224513 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:44

Admit it, that turned you on.

IdontWanna69 | 8

#3224518 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:45

I'm getting hard from just reading this ;)

FarSide | 22

#3224560 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:53

My wife does that to her navel.

WCARlover | 34

#3224564 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:53

Not as much as your picture does

futtbuck101 | 1

#3224565 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:53

Mmm kinky

FFPulley | 9

#3224609 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:04

If her pits stink that bad, imagine what everything else must smell like. Yummy!

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3224616 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:05

remember not to breathe in threw your nose, OP

DinosaursAreCool_fml | 8

#3224673 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:17

Buy her deodorant for Christmas?

Pixxio_O | 11

#3224718 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:29

At least she didn't smell your armpits and started gagging...

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3224724 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:30

Spray her down with Febreeze while she's sleeping. Then hang some pine tree air fresheners from her toes.

yoursucklives | 36

#3225406 - Saturday 3 September 2011 2:32

i imagine this like in the sims. do green stink lines come from her pits!?

laneylovesu2 | 3

#3225593 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:16

You can play this off... Take a hot shower together;)

LostSaiyan | 3

#3225788 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:55

#70 win!

hope540 | 0

#3226454 - Saturday 3 September 2011 6:40

Oh, what a keeper!

nromanyuk | 4

#3226884 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:51

70 - best advice!!

RainbowHeadache | 2

#3227291 - Saturday 3 September 2011 9:25

We all sniff ourselves when we think you men aren't looking.

macman23 | 4

#3227335 - Saturday 3 September 2011 9:46

At 25 who dat gonna beat dem saints? Im pretty sure the Seahawks did haha

WeemanIsBack | 3

#3227529 - Saturday 3 September 2011 11:26

70 - Smooth!

tahvoh | 3

#3230320 - Saturday 3 September 2011 21:59

hahahaha! GENIUS!

stevenJB | 25

#3445224 - Monday 17 October 2011 15:38

The best outcome to this situation :D

By lannie1234 | 0

#3224516 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:45

Mmmm sexy, you loved it abd know it(;

max_wilder | 9

#3224735 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:33

^^^^^^ ^^^^^^
• •
/.
___

max_wilder | 9

#3224745 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:35

^^^^^^ ^^^^^^
• •
/.
___

drawmesunshine | 17

#3224756 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:36

I like the eyebrows.

Madiluvsyuh98 | 2

#3224804 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:50

41... Your pick is very... Disturbing

ukrage | 1

#3226465 - Saturday 3 September 2011 6:45

And yours isn't :)

Madiluvsyuh98 | 2

#3227830 - Saturday 3 September 2011 13:33

Hahahahaha neither is yours :)

kkmwong | 11

#3230544 - Saturday 3 September 2011 22:49

Love the picture 41

drawmesunshine | 17

#3234073 - Sunday 4 September 2011 17:57

Thank you (:

By kablooey_01 | 3

#3224517 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:45

eww

animalover721 | 3

#3226261 - Saturday 3 September 2011 5:49

Hey! Tell your girlfriend there is this new thing! It's called, DEODORANT.

By perrymaker | 0

#3224520 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:46

What's wrong with that? She's saving water from not showering :P

Jacobt24 | 19

#3226414 - Saturday 3 September 2011 6:22

If they really want to save water they can shower together

djack0113 | 0

#3241870 - Monday 5 September 2011 19:08

Ya she's just trying to save the environment

By lbeer | 1

#3224523 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:46

So everyone stinks people just cover it up

By daydreamer244 | 13

#3224530 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:47

she's a keeper!

hockey199813 | 5

#3224580 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:57

In the basement

poopybutt12345 | 0

#3225694 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:34

Chained to the radiator...

jellybeans4833 | 7

#3226741 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:27

with million dollars worth of some kind of air freshener or fragrance.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3227132 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:34

73 that'll just make her sweatier.

By PiXiEdUsT07 | 7

#3224534 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:47

deodorant?

Molzen | 3

#3224596 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:00

Stinky*

Mysanitywins | 10

#3225604 - Saturday 3 September 2011 3:19

Original comment.

By RaineLee | 5

#3224535 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:47

Kinky.

By KaelaKhaotic | 5

#3224538 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:48

That's sexy and you know it. ;]

theten_fml | 9

#3225302 - Saturday 3 September 2011 2:12

Clap your hands

swimchica22 | 0

#3226059 - Saturday 3 September 2011 4:58

Kaela

swimchica22 | 0

#3226098 - Saturday 3 September 2011 5:08

By enonymous | 8

#3224540 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:48

She probably has to put up with your
Dutch ovens. Only fair