By Getmeoutofhere - 10/8/2017 17:15 - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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Does it taste good?

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

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By LonelyHeart - 22/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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By Username - 13/12/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/5/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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By giantsfan2010 - 23/9/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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By singleandthankful - 23/2/2013 23:18 - United Kingdom - Beaconsfield

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

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By Sundendako - 27/1/2010 10:20 - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By shorty - 21/4/2014 04:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I suffer from dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

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By Username - 11/6/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 01:36 - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By Britney - 24/10/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

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By WhyMe - 27/11/2018 17:30

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - 26/4/2014 19:55 - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2013 19:34 - United States - Coatesville

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

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By Anon - 9/2/2016 12:39 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Ivan - 2/3/2011 10:10

Today, at work I tried to help an old man by opening the door for him. He flipped me off because I was wearing a Kansas State University shirt. FML

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By dole_out_the_fml - 20/5/2009 17:36 - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

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By brando2k5 - 6/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

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By Reasondon - 13/12/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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By France Howell - 10/5/2018 15:00

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:10 - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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By adamwilcockson - 18/9/2014 04:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 23:30 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By dwood08 - 7/11/2014 01:55 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

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By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By EpicFail - 4/2/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By msassy - 19/5/2012 02:46 - United States - Lexington

Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML

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By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

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By ad4 - 31/1/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By notsomuch - 1/8/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

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By Venus - 26/4/2019 20:00

Today, despite the fact that I live with my parents and pay rent, my mom decided the best spot for my brother, his wife and one-year-old son was my bedroom. So I'm sleeping on the couch, because it would, "take too long to clean her room." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

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By phlox_fml - 30/5/2020 08:00

Hammocking yourself

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

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By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

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By opposableouch - 27/10/2009 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7528242 - Thursday 10 August 2017 23:26

Not sure what a female would do with a coconut, but seems like that would have been better tbh.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7528248 - Thursday 10 August 2017 23:38

Poontang!

Usually, men like that smell, so you should be relieved he didn't in that context.

Comments

By pjsr | 32

#7528242 - Thursday 10 August 2017 23:26

Not sure what a female would do with a coconut, but seems like that would have been better tbh.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7528248 - Thursday 10 August 2017 23:38

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By whackypaks | 1

#7528396 - Friday 11 August 2017 9:48

oh WOW u got BUSTED!!! ;-);-);-)

By jkjorn | 14

#7528507 - Friday 11 August 2017 15:49

Props for the callback to the coco-nutting post!

By Zanquis | 22

#7528523 - Friday 11 August 2017 16:36

Something smelled a bit fishy...

By dharmaint | 15

#7528527 - Friday 11 August 2017 17:02

People saying female but there's no way of knowing

Reply

jkjorn | 14

#7528602 - Friday 11 August 2017 20:12

Depends how you're viewing the site- on a web browser on my desk computer I can see a tiny little "female" icon next to the poster's name, but I don't think the app has that feature.

Reply

Lemou_fml | 25

#7529792 - Monday 14 August 2017 18:21

Why on earth would you be able to smell precum that strong smelling?

By KrDizzy | 16

#7528700 - Friday 11 August 2017 23:41

Your dad smelled you masturbating? Does masturbation typically make a strong smell? I don't quite follow..

Reply

choslayer | 20

#7528719 - Saturday 12 August 2017 0:32

when you cum it has a strong scent

Reply

Lemou_fml | 25

#7529795 - Monday 14 August 2017 18:23

In case you were wondering - women do in fact have a scent in a sexual context. When it comes to men, it's usually the semen itself, if it even smells.

By lccc_ | 18

#7528828 - Saturday 12 August 2017 10:54

thats so gross lmao. why wasnt your door locked?

By tibtak01 | 8

#7528966 - Saturday 12 August 2017 18:06

Okay so I'm confused... what did he smell exactly?

Reply

thatsme293 | 28

#7529388 - Sunday 13 August 2017 19:13

Her cum

Reply

alucard724 | 9

#7529467 - Sunday 13 August 2017 22:09

her pussy

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7529569 - Monday 14 August 2017 4:29

it's weird to see so many people who don't understand that an aroused vagina gives off a certain scent. given that it's her DAD, I'm guessing he knows that scent fairly well.