Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
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Top comments
dmipotc 0
how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out
youaresofucked 0
OOOOHHH NO!
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Comments (222)
emer_helena 0
#47 i hope your husbands mother was one of those teen moms otherwise he's comparing you to an old lady FYL
VegasMade702 0
Hahaha LoL. That's great. I love how this is written too....and hahah @ #73....
raged_fml 0
morning wood ftw
guitardedman 0
yeah my first reaction when i wake up with someones hand on my dick is to call out mom? jesus.
sovereign_fml 0
I wouldnt worry, your mom gives better handjobs.
sassabrat 0
yeah she was probably weirded out by the fact that you called our your mom's name when someone is rubbing on your hard dick first thing of a morning....
UGADawg08 1
#80: Wow, thanks for the explanation, Captain Moron. I'm sure nobody here got it.
madame_malfoy 4
...uhm...you might want to talk to a psychiatrist about that...
LaTuaCantante 0
OMFG!!!! thats fawked dude.like lol.omg.if i was her id be like 0,.,0 and then leave.but thats just me.
peopleplz2008 0
sounds like an intro to a porno