Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a...

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 402

You deserved it 92 784

Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 529

You deserved it 62 905

By notsohandy - 03/01/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 942

You deserved it 8 124

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 06/04/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 921

You deserved it 5 119

Freudian intensifies

By mouthwash - 11/11/2014 05:05 - United States - Gallipolis

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 742

You deserved it 4 611

By Harry Dare - 02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 988

You deserved it 4 322

By hotboxed - 13/07/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 391

By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 256

You deserved it 4 985

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 454

You deserved it 808

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 391

You deserved it 1 914

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 553

You deserved it 1 153

dmipotc 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

Blanadestroyer 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:23

You should follow by saying: "Who's your daddy?"

troubledshampoo 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:23

Creepy.

Cheatx 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:23

Someone has been spoiled as a child...

Suckfail 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:31

#12, Blanadestroyer, that was perfect. Thank you for that lol

stonerchu 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:33

You know it could always be worse. For instance, instead of saying mom you could have said..."Grandma?"

flyingkoalas 0

Sunday 14 February 2010 9:18

I think it would have been worse if he said "Dad?"

Zim4 0

Saturday 20 March 2010 3:26

or grandpa

12mileCock 0

Monday 1 August 2011 1:09

or Justin beiber

jwp0211 17

Wednesday 24 October 2012 3:52

Or by saying"Raptor Jesus, my messiah, you have blessed me with this handjob"

HeyyyBrahhh 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:36

Ewww.

tomdrc12 12

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:39

Oh man that's hilarious. Sucks to be you

whateverrrr 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:50

HAHAHA! well if i was your girlfriend i would laugh EXTREMELY hard and never let you forget about it. i might be a little freaked out but not enough to break up with you or anything. sucks but funny. hopefully everything worked out ;)