Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
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Top comments
dmipotc 0
how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out
youaresofucked 0
OOOOHHH NO!
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Comments (222)
Blanadestroyer 0
You should follow by saying: "Who's your daddy?"
troubledshampoo 0
Creepy.
Cheatx 0
Someone has been spoiled as a child...
Suckfail 0
#12, Blanadestroyer, that was perfect. Thank you for that lol
stonerchu 0
You know it could always be worse. For instance, instead of saying mom you could have said..."Grandma?"
flyingkoalas 0
I think it would have been worse if he said "Dad?"
Zim4 0
or grandpa
12mileCock 0
or Justin beiber
jwp0211 17
Or by saying"Raptor Jesus, my messiah, you have blessed me with this handjob"
HeyyyBrahhh 0
Ewww.
tomdrc12 12
Oh man that's hilarious. Sucks to be you
whateverrrr 0
HAHAHA! well if i was your girlfriend i would laugh EXTREMELY hard and never let you forget about it. i might be a little freaked out but not enough to break up with you or anything. sucks but funny. hopefully everything worked out ;)
hk_fml 9
LOL. Sucks to be you. That is downright weird.
AntiChrist7 0
because a hands rubs your penis, you call out instinctivly "mom"? YDI