Health: Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking.... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Rock, hard place

By thegoalie - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Yoga for Dummies

Today, I overheard this girl I don't really know say that she had cramps. Trying to be helpful, I turned round and told her she should stretch out where she had them. She then asked how the fuck she was supposed to stretch her ovaries. FML

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By

Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By chucklesman96 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

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By kb123

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

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By Heather - United States

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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By apenglishstudent - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

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By no salt, no burning, just STFU - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

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By ailat0107 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

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By littlelottie - United States

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

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By blairheir721 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

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By AKN - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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By Explicit - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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By ...thanks - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

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By whatjusthappened - United States - Loveland

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By Alexxicks

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

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By Hair Fail - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By Peaches - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By Jims - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

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By JayFri - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By sexychica - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Burden - 12/3/2021 06:31 - India

Supportive

Today, once again, my mom ranted about how she sacrificed so much for me by moving to a better city. I said it was for my education and to stop making me feel like a burden. She scoffed, "Right, you never should've been born. My mistake." FML

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By soontobedumped - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By Roasted Marshmallows

A sand castle

Today, I took a DNA test and it turns out that the person who I thought was my dad is not my actual dad and my real dad is his best friend. FML

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By mushroomtop

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

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Top comments

By gogo44444 | 28

#6579729 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

You should get a restraining order on yourself

By ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6579730 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

More like beat up by the doormat.

COMMENTS

By SOILEDIT | 51

#6579724 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:42

Well, YDI for drinking yourself shitfaced.

By timmay801 | 10

#6579725 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:43

First vote

By thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6579728 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:43

Totally your fault. Definitely deserved that one. Sorry OP- feel better soon.

By gogo44444 | 28

#6579729 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

You should get a restraining order on yourself

Reply

dhiran_singh | 16

#6579753 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:58

And stay 500 m away from yourself LOL

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6579951 - Thursday 14 April 2016 2:55

Best comment ever!

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6580250 - Thursday 14 April 2016 16:17

I'm a bit curious as to how that'll work

By ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6579730 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

More like beat up by the doormat.

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6580251 - Thursday 14 April 2016 16:18

Achievement Unlocked

By TacticalBacon | 10

#6579731 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

Great friends you got their...

Reply

_ravens_ | 11

#6579818 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 22:29

There*

By Xx_Slayer_xX | 22

#6579733 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:45

Elegant..Classy. Cunning and finesse. Simple terms to describe this amazing mess that you managed to pull off. Thanks for making me face palm. ??

Reply

freddygasman | 18

#6580393 - Thursday 14 April 2016 23:31

and the question is, what are four words that don't describe op?

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6579735 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

Sucks that you got hurt, but they do say to drink in moderation for a reason.

By Chikiriwak | 17

#6579736 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

Well... you got drunk...

By everybodysnerves | 5

#6579737 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

decent friends tho, may not have protected your face, but tried to protect your pride

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6579809 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 21:59

Worse in the long run. I would rather have a few scrapes from the floor and know, over marching into the club and demanding to see the footage of myself being beaten up by a rogue employee, only to witness myself falling over. Bad decision from the friends