Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking.... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16504

You deserved it

11279

Tweet

Share

And today, on Dr Phil…

Intense

Cute trick, asshole

By Nose Numb - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33225

You deserved it

3458

Tweet

Share

By unprofessional - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17914

You deserved it

24304

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21088

You deserved it

25875

Tweet

Share

By Soaked - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32298

You deserved it

4669

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31666

You deserved it

2995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22017

You deserved it

1771

Tweet

Share

By Danana - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10518

You deserved it

22728

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1514

You deserved it

904

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14701

You deserved it

53326

Tweet

Share

By Lars - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34874

You deserved it

5825

Tweet

Share

By Holls - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27750

You deserved it

14100

Tweet

Share

By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1352

You deserved it

89

Tweet

Share

By rachele321

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2775

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By thanks, fuckface - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41003

You deserved it

4124

Tweet

Share

By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41111

You deserved it

5438

Tweet

Share

By philip708 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22615

You deserved it

1809

Tweet

Share

By WitchQueenLiz - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65606

You deserved it

3105

Tweet

Share

By MBC - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31161

You deserved it

3705

Tweet

Share

By lifesux - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33941

You deserved it

3934

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22555

You deserved it

7778

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31338

You deserved it

4908

Tweet

Share

By Hello - United States

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31352

You deserved it

3955

Tweet

Share

By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27930

You deserved it

4147

Tweet

Share

By bestiality, not even once - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68262

You deserved it

6684

Tweet

Share

By shtidsfpa - United States - Shelby

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27302

You deserved it

55709

Tweet

Share

By eyeamcool - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63402

You deserved it

2691

Tweet

Share

By cavgirl - United States

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

146014

You deserved it

11203

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40273

You deserved it

2711

Tweet

Share

By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25834

You deserved it

3401

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was putting my horse away into her pasture, when I slipped in the mud. In a haisty attempt to support myself, I grabbed the electric fence in on hand, and my horse with the other. The shock from the fence traveled through me to her, sending her running and leaving me with 2 broken teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45048

You deserved it

6758

Tweet

Share

By well damn - United States - Columbus

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19847

You deserved it

1817

Tweet

Share

By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5437

You deserved it

893

Tweet

Share

By xXEndlesslullabyXx - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33541

You deserved it

2783

Tweet

Share

By Tragics - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40355

You deserved it

3405

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40831

You deserved it

2887

Tweet

Share

By KeepOnTruckin' - 7/5/2020 05:00

OK doomer

Today, it's been 3 weeks since I, a 17-year-old, have been working 50 hours a week at a grocery store trying to keep our shelves stocked during coronavirus panic-buying. It was also the day a customer informed me that, "All you teenagers are lazy and that's why the shelves are empty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2292

You deserved it

133

Tweet

Share

By always amazed - Canada - Barrie

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19095

You deserved it

2997

Tweet

Share

By ForeverAlone - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25336

You deserved it

1938

Tweet

Share

By cay - United States - Holley

Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39187

You deserved it

3229

Tweet

Share

By Jolene - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49427

You deserved it

3817

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By gogo44444 | 28

#6579729 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

You should get a restraining order on yourself

By ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6579730 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

More like beat up by the doormat.

COMMENTS

By SOILEDIT | 51

#6579724 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:42

Well, YDI for drinking yourself shitfaced.

By timmay801 | 10

#6579725 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:43

First vote

By thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6579728 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:43

Totally your fault. Definitely deserved that one. Sorry OP- feel better soon.

By gogo44444 | 28

#6579729 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

You should get a restraining order on yourself

Reply

dhiran_singh | 16

#6579753 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:58

And stay 500 m away from yourself LOL

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6579951 - Thursday 14 April 2016 2:55

Best comment ever!

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6580250 - Thursday 14 April 2016 16:17

I'm a bit curious as to how that'll work

By ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6579730 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

More like beat up by the doormat.

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6580251 - Thursday 14 April 2016 16:18

Achievement Unlocked

By TacticalBacon | 10

#6579731 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:44

Great friends you got their...

Reply

_ravens_ | 11

#6579818 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 22:29

There*

By Xx_Slayer_xX | 22

#6579733 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:45

Elegant..Classy. Cunning and finesse. Simple terms to describe this amazing mess that you managed to pull off. Thanks for making me face palm. ??

Reply

freddygasman | 18

#6580393 - Thursday 14 April 2016 23:31

and the question is, what are four words that don't describe op?

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6579735 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

Sucks that you got hurt, but they do say to drink in moderation for a reason.

By Chikiriwak | 15

#6579736 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

Well... you got drunk...

By everybodysnerves | 5

#6579737 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 20:46

decent friends tho, may not have protected your face, but tried to protect your pride

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6579809 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 21:59

Worse in the long run. I would rather have a few scrapes from the floor and know, over marching into the club and demanding to see the footage of myself being beaten up by a rogue employee, only to witness myself falling over. Bad decision from the friends